


Castle of Glass

by ShippersList



Series: Desired [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alpha Castiel, Alpha Sam, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eventual kid!fic, Eventual mpreg, Fertility Issues, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Misunderstandings, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Omega Dean, Omega Kevin, Omega Verse, Self-Esteem Issues, Traumatic childbirth, Writing as a coping mechanism, oblivious!Cas, possessive!dean, post-partum depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-04-26 04:54:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 60,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4991023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShippersList/pseuds/ShippersList
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The four years they have been mated, have been the happiest of their lives. However, the arrival of Balthazar jumpstarts a chain of events that will have long-lasting effects on all their lives. It will take Castiel and Dean a long and painful journey to find their way back to each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will be angst with a happy ending. I will provide appropriate warnings on each chapter that needs them. However, check the tags. This will be a rough ride.
> 
> Title from [Castle of Glass](https://open.spotify.com/track/1r1fPuhj9H4VdXr7OK6FL5) by Linkin Park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starts from the epilogue of Wicked Ways.

[](http://imgur.com/sS9zHCB)

Castiel sighed and rubbed the base of his nose.

He had been working on the translation for several hours in a row, and his head was pounding. The dialect of this particular text was an old and obscure one, and, despite his experience, he was having a hard time with it. It was eluding him, like he was missing a key point, and he had no idea what it was. It was annoying and frustrating. Scowling at the manuscript in front of him, he decided it was time for a break.

He glanced at the clock on the wall and wasn’t surprised to realize how late it was. Once again, he had totally forgotten the passage of time, what with being hunched over his work, completely absorbed with the ancient text. He had the habit of drowning himself in his work, closing off the world around him until nothing else mattered but the scribble he was trying to decipher. Dean teased him mercilessly about his ability to concentrate on his work, snarking about his ”professor glasses” and wool cardigans, but Castiel didn’t mind. After all, he needed the glasses to read, his cardigan was comfortable, and Dean had practically crawled into his lap enough times for Castiel to know that Dean liked his appearance very much.

Castiel smiled a small one and let his mind wander for a moment.

He and Dean had been mated for four years now. With a pang, he realized their anniversary had slipped by in September. They had both been too busy to remember to celebrate, what with Castiel’s challenging translation work and Dean’s piling schoolwork. But it didn’t mean they couldn’t celebrate afterwards.

Come to think of it, they _should_ celebrate it.

Groaning a little, Castiel stretched his hands over his head and grimaced at the popping in his back. He was really getting too old to hunch over the desk all day. He stood up (a bit stiffly, to be honest), gathered half a dozen empty tea mugs from his desk, and wandered into the kitchen. It was a little past three, which meant Dean’s classes should be over by now. Pursing his lips, Castiel glanced at the calendar on the kitchen wall. It was Thursday, which meant that Sam would be in his study group until eight, and, if Dean was about to come straight home, they would have several hours to themselves.

With a small grin, he made his decision, and sent Dean a text.

> HI LOVE COMING HOME SOON+

He knew well enough that him using caps and mutilating grammar made Dean smile every time he read the messages. It was exactly the reason Castiel kept writing them like he did.

The answer didn’t take long.

_> Just left, I'm on my way. Need anything from the store?_

> MILK BREAD TEA

_> Got it._

Dean’s trip to the grocery store would take him another half an hour or so, and Castiel decided to use the time well. He cleaned up his desk, piled his paperwork into neat stacks to continue later, washed up the dishes soaking in the sink, and then hurried upstairs to change the sheets on their bed.

As he removed the old sheets, he revelled minutely in the leftover scent of _Dean_ that wafted from them. He knew there really was no reason to scent the sheets — he did wake up beside his gorgeous mate every morning, after all. But still, he couldn’t help it. He had a borderline Pavlovian reaction to Dean, whether it was his scent or the person himself.

At times, Castiel still wondered if he was living in a dream. After all, he had lusted after Dean for so many long, agonizing months, trying to keep himself from giving in and mating the boy. The fact that Dean — brilliant, sparkling Dean — had wanted him back was still somewhat mind-blowing. Dean had been (and still was) a young and stunning omega who could’ve chosen any alpha he wanted. For some reason, he had wanted Castiel, and pursued him with a determination that would put most omegas in shame.

As time had passed, Dean had filled his frame beautifully, morphing from an adorable twink into a sleek, muscular omega a couple of inches taller than Castiel, which had been a small surprise, since Castiel himself wasn’t exactly a small man himself. The growth spurt had caused Dean some heartbreaking moments of insecurity, battling the society’s expectations about his size and temper. Castiel would have none of it. First of all, the world around them could go to hell for all he cared. Secondly, their sizes didn’t really matter, because Castiel was more than able to manhandle his mate with his alpha strength, if he so wanted (which he did, often).

Most importantly: Castiel loved every single inch of his Dean. The more there was of Dean, the more there was for the alpha to worship.

It had proved a compelling argument at times.

Dumping the sheets into the laundry basket, Castiel shook his head to get rid of his daydreams. Not that dreaming was a bad thing as such, but he needed his blood in his head rather than his cock that was, once again, trying to do the thinking for him. It was a common occurrence, when he thought about Dean.

”Down,” Castiel muttered futilely, well aware that, in Dean-related issues, his cock had a will of its own.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, his alpha was purring, eagerly waiting for its mate to return home so that it could have its way with him. Castiel rolled his eyes and tried to distract himself with remaking the bed with a fresh set of sheets. It worked just as well as was to be expected, which was not-at-all.

Their bedroom was a small and compact one, although a bit cluttered. The same could be said of the whole house. The building was probably never meant to accommodate a family of a bonded pair and a teenager, but it had adjusted and molded itself around their lives. It was crammed and stuffed, but it was home. None of them had ever seriously considered the idea of moving, no matter how much they complained about the lack of space.

On his way to the bathroom, Castiel peeked into Sam’s room to check if there was any laundry on the floor to take care of. Of course, it was unnecessary: for a sixteen-year old high schooler, Sam kept his room surprisingly clean. It reflected his diligent view of the world: the young alpha was storming through high school with high scores, steadfastly working his way to get a full ride to Stanford, to become a lawyer, and specialize in CPS. It was something he had wanted ever since the fire had burned away their childhood years ago. The brothers had avoided being fed into the system mainly due to Dean’s slowly blossoming relationship with Castiel and the interference of the OIAA. But the near brush had been enough for Sam, and, with a fervor not usually seen in teenagers, he had set his goal and was determined to achieve it.

Not for the first time, Castiel wished that John and Mary were there to see the exceptional people their sons had grown to be.

By the time Castiel had changed the sheets, dumped the laundry, and turned the washing machine on, he was slightly sweaty. He contemplated about taking a shower, but then decided against it. He wasn’t gritty, as such, and he just happened to know that Dean liked him slightly sweaty. Apparently, it enhanced his natural scent, something Dean had pointed out he liked.

And, because Castiel was a good alpha, he was prone to please his mate.

He glanced at the clock and smiled. Dean should be home soon.

 

* * *

 

Castiel was rinsing cherry tomatoes for the salad, when he heard the familiar growl of the Impala's engine. He shook the tomatoes to get rid of excess water and poured them into the bowl. Dean wasn’t that keen on salad, but there were a couple of dishes Castiel had managed to introduce to him. Tabbouleh was one of their common favorites, and, since it was easy and quick to make, Castiel had hastily put it together to let it rest while he and Dean, well, _didn’t_.

When he heard another car pull over, he frowned. Dean hadn’t informed him about a friend, and Sam would’ve sent a text if his study group had been cancelled. Castiel checked the calendar, just to make sure that he hadn’t missed a note about a visitor.

Strange.

He wiped his hands to a towel and walked to open the door.

Dean was standing beside his behemoth of a car, watching a man getting out of a cab. Castiel narrowed his eyes. There was something very familiar about the man, the way he carried himself and in the way he sauntered over to Dean to ask him something, but he couldn’t grasp exactly what. He shook his head, shrugged, and stepped onto the porch.

The man turned and smirked.

"Hello Cassie.”

Castiel stared.

It couldn’t be — why on earth — after all these years? Why was he back? What was he doing here?

”Balthazar,” he finally managed after an awkward silence.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Dean’s head jerk up, and then the omega turned to retrieve the groceries and his backpack before walking toward the house. Dean’s shoulders were tense and he avoided Castiel’s eyes.

Castiel blinked and was about to walk to meet him, but he was interrupted by Balthazar.

”So, you still live here,” Balthazar said airily.

It wasn’t a question, but Castiel opted to answer anyway. ”Obviously.”

”Well, how about that…” Balthazar smiled and crossed his arms across his chest. His eyes followed Dean walk past Castiel to the house, and something in his gaze stopped Castiel from reaching out for Dean. He realized his mistake when Dean gritted his jaw and closed the door behind him with a bit more force than was necessary.

Balthazar raised his brow and sauntered closer. Castiel didn’t move.

”Really, Castiel?” Balthazar asked amusedly, when he came close enough to scent him. ”How old is he exactly — fifteen?”

”Not anymore,” Castiel answered calmly. ”What are you doing here, Balthazar?”

The omega spread his hands out. ”Visiting an old friend!” He exclaimed. ”And I brought wine, too,” he added, clapped Castiel on the shoulder and walked calmly in.

Castiel had no choice but to follow.

Dean was sitting at the kitchen table with his homework. He didn’t look up, but his shoulders were rigid. Castiel frowned, probed gently at their bond, and blinked at the thundering emotions. What on earth had made Dean so angry?

Of course, Balthazar barging in uninvited didn’t help. Castiel sighed and wished he knew how to get rid of his ex as swiftly as possible.

Unfortunately, Balthazar had always been too aware, too calculating of Castiel’s social awkwardness. He set the wine on the kitchen table and turned slowly around, taking in his surroundings.

”Well, this place hasn’t really changed much, has it? The same furniture and curtains — except that your desk used to be in the office, if I remember correctly? The room has a better use, then?”

”Yes,” Castiel answered curtly.

”Cassie, you sly dog!” Balthazar exclaimed with a leer, his back to Dean again. ”A young mate does have its perks, doesn't it? How many pups have you bred with him already?”

Castiel opened his mouth to answer, but shut it with an audible snap, when Dean practically growled.

”None. The study has been my brother’s room for four years already.”

Balthazar whirled around to look at Dean with slightly narrowed eyes. Dean hadn’t raised his head, but kept resolutely on staring at his book.

”Oh,” was all Balthazar commented, before turning his back on Dean. ”Never cared about pups myself. Noisy things.”

Castiel sighed. ”Would you care to tell why you are here?”

”I’m moving in. Well, not _here_ , obviously, but into town. I got a job.”

Castiel raised his brow. ”Really? Where?”

”Tenure position teaching French at the local college. I started last week. It’s a nice little college, nothing fancy or special, but enough for a small town like this,” Balthazar shrugged. ”I thought I might just as well try and settle down, at least for a while. Besides, I remembered that you live here,” he added with a wink.

Castiel blinked. Local college? ”That’s Dean’s college, then.”

Balthazar turned slowly around to take another look at Dean. ” _You're_ in college,” he said. ”What’s your major?”

Something about Dean’s posture told Castiel that he had made another mistake, but he had no idea what it was.

”Haven’t decided yet,” Dean muttered. He wasn’t still meeting Castiel’s eyes, and the alpha started to feel decidedly uncomfortable.

Castiel tried to come up with something to divert Balthazar’s attention from Dean, and jumped into the first thought that crossed his mind.

”You? A teacher?”

”I got my degree from the Sorbonne a couple of years back,” Balthazar answered airily. ”My mother was French, remember, and, after our little… fallout, I decided to take an extended trip to France.”

Balthazar launched into an elaborated narration about his travels, and, out of habit, Castiel tuned him out.

Something was wrong with Dean.

He was far too subdued and wound-up for his usual self, and Castiel wanted to get rid of Balthazar to concentrate on his mate. He figured that Dean’s mood was at least partially his own fault, and, in addition to that, Balthazar had made Dean tense for some reason.

”— so there I was with a double degree in French and art history. As it turned out, your charming college was in need of a teacher, and they contacted me. I have no idea for how long I’ll be here, but it seems for this school year, at least.”

Balthazar stopped, clearly expecting a reaction of some sorts. Castiel was at a loss of words, but managed a polite, ”Well, congratulations,” anyway.

”Thank you! Actually, I came here to ask you out for dinner, but… well. Would you happen to have anything to eat for a starving old friend?”

Behind Balthazar, Dean twitched. Castiel was too flummoxed at Balthazar’s behavior and the whole situation was more than a bit surreal, so he only nodded and went to the fridge.

”Oh, tabbouleh! My favorite,” Balthazar crooned.

Dean tensed up more, and the smell of his distress made Castiel even more anxious. He had always been at a loss with social situations, and Balthazar was still able to  confuse him. This was nowhere near how he had pictured his evening with Dean to go. As he put the salad bowl on the table, he bent down to give Dean a kiss on the top of his head. It didn’t relax his mate at all.

Seemingly all at ease, Balthazar flopped to sit down opposite Dean, while Castiel set the table with plates and three wine glasses. It earned him an amused smile from their guest, but he decided to ignore it. He opened the wine bottle to let it breathe for a moment, and turned to cut some bread to go with the salad.

”I had completely forgotten how _domestic_ you are, Cassie,” Balthazar mused. ”It’s endearing.”

Castiel closed his eyes for a split second.

Years back, his liking to cook and take care of his home had been the basis of several of their biggest arguments. Balthazar had deemed Castiel too soft and un-alpha like, not that he actually had ever been that keen on housekeeping himself. Despite his efforts, Castiel had never gotten a clear answer how to deal with chores to Balthazar’s liking.

Castiel didn’t bother rising to the bait. ”I like it,” he shrugged. ”Besides, since I work at home, it’s only logical that I take care of things here.”

”Of course,” Balthazar hummed, then cocked his head at Dean. ”Doesn’t his mothering bother you… I’m sorry, what was your name again?”

Dean raised his eyes slowly to meet Balthazar’s gaze.

”No, it doesn’t. I like it,” he grinned, showing too much teeth for a genuine smile. Castiel didn’t miss the fact that Dean didn’t give Balthazar his name.

”Ah, of course,” Balthazar placated, and stood up to pour wine.

When Castiel realized that the older omega had skipped Dean’s glass on purpose, he suddenly understood what was going on. He was about to intervene, but Dean had enough.

”Hey!” Dean said, irritation clear in his voice. When Balthazar didn’t react, he repeated, a bit louder: ”I said ’Hey!’”

”Yes, you did. Twice. Good for you,” Balthazar smirked.

Castiel barely had time to blink once, when Dean shot up from his chair, leaning over the table, and growled at Balthazar, before he stormed away from the kitchen.

Balthazar had a slightly bewildered look in his eyes. ”Having a tantrum, is he?” He quipped, trying a joke that fell flat.

Castiel whirled around to face Balthazar and, with a low, vicious growl, bared his teeth at him. The alpha was furious, both at himself for being so slow to catch up and at Balthazar for blatantly insulting the claim of another omega.

Balthazar’s jaw dropped and his eyes went wide with shock. Whatever he had thought to accomplish with his actions, it was pretty clear _this_ wasn’t the reaction he had predicted. He scrambled hastily from his chair, swallowed, and, averting his eyes, slowly tipped his head to the side in submission.

Castiel kept completely still for a good while, trying to get his snarling alpha under control. When he felt he could manage talking again, he set the bread knife on the breadboard behind him and leaned back against the counter, pointedly relaxing his hands on his sides and breathed in deeply.

”Other than slighting my mate and trying to court me, did you have an actual reason to come over?” He asked when he felt he no longer wanted to rip Balthazar’s throat open.

Balthazar blinked and cleared his throat. ”Ah — yes. The college is actually in need of another teacher. They decided to offer a course in translation and linguistics, but the lecturer they had secured decided to die. I told them about you and promised to ask you.”

”I’m not a teacher.”

Balthazar waved his hand dismissively. ”You have a PhD.”

Castiel crossed his arms across his chest. He had never considered teaching a class, but he couldn’t deny how much he had always enjoyed his talks with Sam. Teaching a college class would mean he would teach people who actually wanted to be there. It could be interesting, something completely different from his normal work. Besides, Dean always said he needed to get out more.

Speaking of Dean…

”I can’t promise you anything yet. I need to talk with Dean first.”

Balthazar rolled his eyes. ”The pup has truly whipped you. Honestly, Cass —”

The deep growl stopped Balthazar from continuing his sentence, and the older omega closed his mouth with a snap.

”I will not warn you again.” Castiel hadn’t moved a muscle, but his alpha was near enough the surface to make his point clear.

Balthazar blinked and something in his demeanor changed. He cocked his head and looked at Castiel for a long time. ”I’ve never seen you like that,” he finally said quietly, something wistful in his voice.

”You never deserved it.”

Balthazar grimaced. ”Fair enough. What’s your story, anyway? How did you manage to snare a gorgeous, young mate like him?”

”I didn’t ’snare’ anything. He pursued me.”

”Really? Why?” Then Balthazar winced. ”That came out wrong. I meant —”

”I know what you meant,” Castiel interrupted. ”But that’s something you have to ask Dean.”

”Eh, perhaps some other time, when he’s not ready to bite my head off.”

”Remembering that he is actually legally permitted to do that, you can only blame yourself for that,” Castiel said flatly.

”I know,” Balthazar smiled ruefully. ”So, he has a brother? Is he also an omega?”

”No, Sam’s an alpha. He’s sixteen and on his way to be a lawyer.”

”Really? Good for him.”

For a moment, they traded bits and pieces of stilted small talk. Then Balthazar gave Castiel the contact info to the college and reminded him to call them as soon as possible.

”There’s already sixteen students on the list, you know. The lecturer they had had in mind had been quite a celebrity on his field,” Balthazar mentioned with a quirked brow. ”You’d probably have the freedom to conduct your lessons the way you see fit, because of your subject.”

Castiel nodded. ”I’ll talk to Dean,” he repeated.

”You do that.” Balthazar stood up to make his leave. ”Castiel,” he then said and hesitated. ”I’m sorry.”

Castiel shook his head. ”It’s not me you need to apologize to,” he reminded.

Balthazar pressed his lips together in a tight line. ”True,” he acknowledged, inclining his head in an apology.

Castiel didn’t walk him to the door. Instead, the alpha sighed and started cleaning up the mess that was their ruined dinner. Glancing at the clock, he saw it was only six, although it felt like much later. The tension had taken its toll on him, and he felt tired to the bone.

He had no intention serving Dean wine provided by a rival omega, so he poured it away.  
He covered the leftover tabbouleh, shaking his head when he realized that none of them had even tasted it. Somehow he doubted either he or Dean would have any appetite for it, but fortunately Sam was a bottomless pit of teenage hunger and would happily devour whatever leftovers he found in the fridge.

With their bond still vibrating with barely suppressed hurt and anger, Castiel knew he had to talk to Dean, and not only about the possible job at the college. He now understood what had bothered Dean from the start, and, frankly, he was deeply embarrassed for not realizing Balthazar’s attempts right away. In his defense, he hadn’t seen Balthazar for over a decade, and he was completely unaccustomed to being flirted with.

However, Castiel also knew his Dean. No matter how unnecessary his jealousy might be, his claim as an omega _had_ been violated, and Castiel had been too slow in every way to make his opinion clear. Dean’s upset omega side would take some time to calm down, and Castiel didn’t even want to think how his mate’s other issues were faring.

Steeling himself, Castiel brew a cup of Dean’s favorite tea, piled chocolate cookies on a small tray, and started for the bedroom.

He had a mate to appease.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may notice, POV changes. Odd chapters are POV Castiel, even chapters POV Dean.

As Dean stormed upstairs, Balthazar’s quip burned in his ears.

 _That_ was Balthazar? _The_ Balthazar who had, ages ago, dated Cas for several years, never really wanting to mate him, and then dumped him as soon as they had received the mating rejection letter from the OIAA? What the hell was he doing in their home, trying to court Cas in front of his bonded omega?

The fuck?

Gritting his teeth, Dean slammed the bedroom door shut behind him and collapsed on the bed. Earlier today, he had been in a pretty good mood while leaving the college grounds, but now that mood was gone. He had actually wanted some quality time with Cas (or, well, some slow fucking if he was being honest), but the living embodiment of sultry sex in their kitchen had effectively cockblocked him. Balthazar, with his witty remarks and tales from his multiple adventures around Europe, had pretty much benched Dean’s sad little ass, and Cas hadn’t even noticed, too busy fussing around his ex.

Fucking smarmy dick, Dean seethed, punched his pillow, and turned around to face the wall.

Yeah. He was jealous, so fucking what?

It wasn’t like he didn’t know what a prize he had gotten, snatching Cas to himself years ago. At the age of fourteen, Dean had been so determined to mate Cas, but even with the mindset of a freshly presented, horny omega, he hadn’t quite believed his luck. Now, at nineteen, he still didn’t fully understand how he had managed it, but he wasn’t about to complain. Far from it.

In all these years, Cas had never given him any reason for jealousy, though, not before tonight. And, if Dean was being brutally honest (which was about as cheery as stabbing himself in the eye), Cas _still_ hadn’t given any reason, he just… hadn’t exactly objected Balthazar’s advances. His alpha was so oblivious to flirting that it was almost funny, until it wasn’t.

Dean sighed and rubbed his face. Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm down and think like an adult, mentally going through the incident.

There was no point being angry at Cas, because technically, he hadn’t done anything wrong, it was all on Balthazar. Trying to make a pass on a mated alpha was a serious insult, and doing so in the plain sight of said alpha’s mate was downright obscene. Instead of being angry and jealous, Dean should’ve been amused about Balthazar making a complete fool of himself.

So what the hell was his problem?

Growling with frustration, Dean flopped on his back and tried to glare a hole in the ceiling.

Balthazar was… smooth, educated, intelligent, and smoking hot, and — well. Dean was not. In his ripped jeans and worn Henley, he really didn’t pass as classy, and, when compared to Balthazar, he looked like a stray. Like — yeah. Like some rebellious teenager to the older omega’s effortless style.

Because of his less than stellar upbringing, Dean had always been more or less self-conscious. Their family had been on the road for pretty much his whole childhood, what with dad trying to find enough odd jobs to provide his family and mom trying to scrape enough together to feed them all. They had lived in shabby motels and dingy trailers, and while it had acquired him and Sam an extensive knowledge about the small towns across the US, it had left them ignorant about what could be considered an average childhood, including education. Sure, whenever dad had managed to get a longer gig, mom had put Dean and Sam in school, but as soon as dad’s job had been done with, they had taken off again.

Back then, Dean hadn’t minded so much, because he had never been that into school anyway, and the constant moving had been fun enough. Sam, on the other hand, had suffered every time he had been wrenched from his new school and friends.

When Dean had presented and the OIAA had stepped in, their lives had been turned around. They had gotten the OIAA money to buy their own house, and Sam had been ecstatic about staying in one place and having a chance to finally attend school properly. Dean had mostly been over the moon about having his own room for the first time of his life. For him, school had mainly been a compulsory inconvenience.

But thinking about that house made Dean’s chest clench. Even after all these years, not a day went by without him missing his mom and dad, but, in situations like these, the longing was almost like a physical pain. It was more than just heartache, it was a deep craving for someone to talk to, for someone to _understand._ Mom could’ve been able to explain things to him. She and Dad had fought a lot, and even as a barely presented teen, Dean had realized that jealousy was something his mom was painfully familiar with.

But Mom and Dad had also loved each other very much and had chosen to stay together — even in death.

Not for the first time, Dean wondered what Mom and Dad might’ve said about Cas and his bond. He knew that Mom had seen it coming and that she had been supportive in her own, silent way, but Dad, on the other hand… Dean had never really gotten to the core of Dad’s disdain towards Cas. He didn’t know if it had been because of Cas being always so polite and reserved, the massive age difference, or his choice of occupation. After all, Dad had been all about that macho alpha posturing BS, the complete opposite of Cas, who preferred a calmer and gentler lifestyle.

So, had Dad’s attitude been about Dean choosing something so blatantly different from his own father?

Groaning, Dean threw his arm across his face. After the confrontation in the kitchen, his omega side was restlessly clawing inside his brain, and there was a splitting headache building behind his eyes. All this thinking just made his head hurt more, and it wouldn’t really accomplish anything anyway. Mom and Dad were long dead, and no matter how much he tried posthumously to interpret their actions and motivations, he’d never know the truth. He might just as well stop his wallowing, suck it up, and go on with his life. Fact was, he was blissfully happy with Cas, and could only hope that Cas shared the sentiment.

Armed with that thought, he decided to stay put for a while, just in case it helped to stave off the headache.

He must’ve dozed off, because he started awake when the mattress tipped. Cas was sitting at the edge of the mattress with slightly awkward air around him, balancing a tray with a mug of tea and some cookies on his lap. Dean blinked, shifted to sit up, and wordlessly took the tray from Cas.

Over the years, they had grown pretty good at reading each other, and, therefore, usually used their bond to communicate only on special occasions (and during sex of course, but that was totally different). This seemed to be a special occasion, Dean mused, when Cas pushed his feelings through and let Dean feel his confusion, regret, and love freely.

Dean inhaled softly and closed his eyes. He was more used to the bond being the warmly thrumming connection in the back of his mind, and its strength took him by surprise whenever it was fully and actively open.

Cas’s feelings made Dean feel even more stupid and embarrassed about his unfounded jealousy. Uncomfortable, he stifled his urge to fidget and didn’t look at his mate in the eye while he drank his tea and ate the cookies. Cas didn’t say anything, just sat patiently and waited for him to finish up. It was so Cas, to be calm and collected and let Dean work out his thoughts in peace.

When Dean was done, he reached out to place the tray on the nightstand and glanced briefly at Cas.

”We need to talk,” Cas said softly.

”Okay.” It sounded petulant and Dean cringed inwardly.

Cas sighed. ”First of all, I’m sorry. Balthazar was way out of line, and I was too slow to realize what he was doing.”

”Yeah.” Despite his best efforts, it came out as a slightly strangled snarl.

”Would it help if I told you that, after you stormed off, I growled at him?” Cas’s eyes were soft and sincere.

”Really? Sorry I missed it.”

A small smile twitched across Cas’s lips, but it was enough. Dean reached out his hand to tug Cas and guided them lie down. He sighed and snuggled against Cas’s chest, wedged his leg between Cas’s thighs, and buried his nose into the hollow of his throat, breathing deeply in his alpha’s scent. Cas didn’t say anything, just held him tight, like he always did when Dean was feeling edgy.

After some time, Cas cleared his throat. ”He did actually have a reason to see me.”

Dean let out a noncommittal noise against Cas’s skin.

”Your college is offering a course in translation and linguistics, but their intended lecturer passed away suddenly. Apparently Balthazar informed the board of my expertise, and, for some reason, they want to offer me the job.”

Despite himself, Dean tensed. ”Okay. What did you say to him?”

”I told him that I would speak to you first.”

Dean lifted his head and looked at Cas with a frown. ”Why? I have no say about your job.”

”I would be in the same faculty as him,” Cas said carefully. ”I’m interested in the job, but I won’t say yes if it makes you uncomfortable.”

The bond was still open, and Dean could feel Cas’s hesitant enthusiasm. It was pretty obvious what his mate wanted to do, and, to be honest, it would do Cas good to get out of the house. But Dean couldn’t shake the ugly feeling of jealousy that surged through him. Intellectually, he knew that the college was a good environment since there were always people around, but his omega snarled at the thought of its mate spending more time with a known rival, and it was pretty much ready to rip Balthazar’s throat open at the slightest provocation.

It was a jarring sensation, something Dean had never actually needed to deal with before. For a moment, Dean chewed his lip, then made his decision.

”You should do it,” he said with a conviction he didn’t thoroughly feel. ”At least you could see other people than just me and Sam.” Dean forced his tone to be light, although Cas could probably hear the tension anyway.

Then a sudden thought hit him. ”What about us? You’d be a teacher then, right? Would I be even allowed to — I don’t know, share a lunch with you?”

Cas’s furrowed his brow. ”I have no idea. I didn’t even think about it, really.”

Dean shrugged awkwardly with one shoulder and buried his nose back to the crook of Cas’s neck. ”Doesn’t probably matter,” he mumbled. ”It’s not like you’d be a full-time teacher, anyway.”

He felt Cas nod. ”True,” he rumbled and rubbed slow circles to Dean’s back. Then he paused. ”Would you want to —”

”No,” Dean interrupted. ” ’m not in the mood. I just wanna be here,” he muttered and snuggled even closer.

He could do this. He could act like an adult and let his mate to have a job he so obviously wanted. He could push his insecurities back and rein in his omega brain.

Yeah. He could push them down.

Safely encircled in Cas’s arms, Dean was sure he could do it.

 

* * *

 

”So, what bit you in the ass, chief?” Benny poked him with an amused grin.

Dean rolled his eyes and shoved him in the shoulder. ”Nothing,” he grumbled and took a sip of his coffee, pretending to watch the occasional student drifting into the cafeteria.

’Nothing’ wasn’t exactly true. Two weeks after Balthazar’s visit, Dean was moody and irritable, and he was seriously pissed at himself for not figuring out why. Despite having several long conversations with Cas, the jittery and uneasy feeling hadn’t dissipated, and it was fucking _annoying._ He really should’ve had everything under control by now!

After a long consideration and thorough consultation with both Dean and Sam, Cas had finally accepted the job at the college. He had been adorably nervous and excited at the same time, eager to talk about the topic he loved to a bunch of fresh ears.

Dean had wanted to accompany Cas to the college on his first day, but his own classes had started at 9am, whereas Cas weren’t until noon. The alpha had apologized and promised to text Dean as soon as he was done with his orientation, but he never had. Dean had felt oddly abandoned, which was just dumb.

When he had finally made his way home that night, Cas had explained that he had been swept away by colleagues, lesson plans, and the college library, and had lost his sense of time. Dean had swallowed his disappointment and shrugged. It wasn’t like it had been the first time Cas lost himself in his work, but, for some reason, this time it had felt worse.

Then the college theology professor had had a stroke on the first week, and the college had been in urgent need of a stand-in teacher. As it was, Cas had already been slotted in the system and it had taken relatively little persuasion for him to take on the new responsibilities. With an odd sense of foreboding, Dean had given his alpha a congratulatory blowjob and settled back to see how things would turn out.

And now, after Cas had been teaching for a couple of weeks, things had fallen into an odd routine: Cas spent his mornings working at home and his evenings either teaching or planning his lessons, and, with Sam in his eternal study groups, Dean found himself often home alone. It was disconcerting and slightly depressing, and fuck he was a girl for feeling all teary-eyed.

”Bullshit,” Benny stated flatly. ”You smell distressed. Come here.” He unceremoniously hugged Dean under his arm and rested his chin on top of Dean’s head. ”You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong, but don’t say it’s nothing, when I can smell you’re lying.”

Dean closed his eyes and breathed in Benny’s scent. The young bear of an alpha was his best friend and, besides Sam, the only alpha Cas allowed to touch Dean like this. They had met in high school, where Benny had declared himself totally uninterested in omegas even before he had told Dean his name. He had later proved it by escorting Dean home that one time his heat had hit without a warning a week early. Benny being completely unaffected by Dean’s heat pheromones had convinced Cas to trust him.

”I dunno,” Dean mumbled. ”I just feel — restless or something.”

”Heat creeping in on you?”

”No. I just had one in September, and I’m not due until the middle of January.”

Benny hummed. ”Wouldn’t be the first time you were irregular.”

Dean lifted his head from his friends shoulder to give him an unimpressed look. ”Dude, not _that_ irregular. I can be off cycle by one or two _weeks,_ not _months.”_

”How should I know? I’m just an alpha!”

”Yeah? Hadn’t stopped you from being a know-it-all before, asshat.”

Benny answered with a shit-eating-grin and pinched him in the ass.

They sat in companionable silence for a while and finished their watery coffees. The cafeteria was quiet what with the majority of students still in class, and the few that had found their way in were either half asleep or too absorbed with their books to pay them any attention.

After a moment, Dean sighed. ”I honestly don’t know, and it pisses me off.”

”Something about your alpha?”

”No. Yeah. Fuck if I know.” Dean huffed in annoyance and raked his hand through his hair. ”I saw his ex,” he finally muttered.

Benny’s fingers stopped their lazy drumming against the tabletop. ”Did you now?” He drawled slowly.

”Yeah. He came to our house a couple of weeks ago.”

”Hmm. How was it?”

”Fucking peachy. He made a pass at Cas.”

Benny turned sharply to stare at him. ”And?”

”I almost jumped on him.”

”Why didn’t you?”

Dean looked at his jeans. They were soft and frayed, and there was a small hole on the right knee. He picked at the thread unraveled from the edges of the hole and shrugged.

Benny dropped his arm and turned to fully face him.

”Dean. Why didn’t you? It would’ve been in your rights.” When Dean still didn’t answer, Benny set his jaw and let a tiny sliver of alpha seep into his voice, something he did very, very rarely. _”Dean.”_

”Because he’s fucking gorgeous, that’s why!” Dean snapped. ”He’s older than me, smart as fuck, educated and — and like walking statue of sex. He treated me like I was some uppity teenager Cas had found under a bridge. Oh, yeah, and he’s the new French teacher here.” He paused and then quietly added, ”He knew the house, Benny. I thought he’d never been there, _but he knew the house.”_

Benny didn’t say anything, just hauled Dean against his chest. The position was awkward as fuck and Benny’s back would probably cramp in any time now, but Dean didn’t really care. He leaned to the touch, reveling in the feeling of being _small_ for change. Benny had that effect on him.

”You know Castiel would never do that, right?”

Benny rarely used Cas’s name, usually going with ’your mate’ or, most commonly, ’your alpha.’ On the rare occasions Benny actually said Cas’s name, he meant serious business.

”Yeah, I guess,” Dean mumbled against Benny’s shirt.

”Um, no. No guessing,” Benny countered flatly. ”Seriously, Dean. I’ve never seen an alpha so smitten with their mate like your alpha is. And what’s with this jealousy thing, anyway? It’s not like you actually have the reason for it, you know.”

Dean banged his head gently against Benny’s chest. He hated this, abso-fuckin-lutely _hated_ talking about his insecurities, but he knew that if he didn’t talk, Benny would make him. It was their thing, really, talking about pretty much everything. Usually it was Benny who talked, but sometimes, when it _really_ mattered, Benny made Dean talk, instead. It was a knack even Cas hadn’t fully mastered. Probably something about being too close or some shit.

”It was like before,” Dean finally said quietly. ”He made me feel like I was back in the trailer again.” _Poor, stupid, and unworthy,_ his mind provided helpfully. He didn’t need to say it aloud, because Benny already knew.

Benny made a noncommittal sound and tapped his fingers lightly on the small of Dean’s back. ”And how much of this is really about your anxiety about your continuous indecision over your major?”

”Oh, fuck you, Benny.”

”I love you too,” Benny grinned.

Benny was right, of course. It was Dean’s second year in college, and he still had no fucking clue what to major in. The OIAA paid for his education, but it didn’t ease his mind; on the contrary, he felt guilty and slightly panicky, wasting away their money for nothing. He had tried to go over his options over and over again with Cas, Sam, Benny, his tutors, and the school counselor, but so far nothing had really piqued his interest. Over time, he had been suggested pretty much everything from nursing to forensics, from art history to animal behaviorism, from psychology to _ballet,_ for fuck’s sake.

In addition to that, he still had significant difficulties concentrating in the class, which was a thing he had been lectured about for as long as he could remember.

Dean knew he wasn’t stupid. He just had really, _really_ hard time figuring out the point in sitting still and staring at a book. He was much more a hands-on person anyway. He was pretty sure he had learned a fuckton more about mechanics and engineering in the summer he had spent fixing Baby than in the three years he had wasted in high school. Too bad that Bobby, the grumpy old mechanic who had helped him, didn’t have the money to hire him as a help, and hanging around without a pay would’ve been too awkward.

Oh, yeah. That was another thing to stress about: the money. His monthly OIAA allowance was going to dry up in January when Dean turned 20, and the thought of being a freeloader on Cas’s salary made Dean cringe, even though the alpha had repeatedly reminded him that they had enough money to go by. It just made Dean feel like a charity case, and, combined with his issues — yeah. Not going there.

He should start to ask around for a part-time job like yesterday, but he had no idea where to begin. Apart from fixing Baby, he had no skills.

All in all, he felt like he had no idea what to do with his life.

With a little sigh, he pulled back from Benny’s embrace, poking him in the abdomen as he went. Benny made a face, but it was affectionate, like always.

”Better?”

”Yeah. Thanks,” Dean said, and it was only partially a lie. He felt calmer already, just like he always did when Benny put his hug therapy into practice.

He would go home smelling like Benny, but it would just tell Cas that Dean had been stressed, and Benny had helped him to calm down. By now, it had happened often enough.

Or, it would tell, if Cas was home. Which he probably wasn’t, since it was Thursday and he had a lesson.

Dean sighed and steeled himself for another lonely evening in an empty house.


	3. Chapter 3

_”’Funnier in Aramean’_ — really, Paige?”

Castiel grinned at the quip on the paper he was grading.

His class was filled with bright minds, but this particular student of his was exceptionally talented and snarked repeatedly at him via her homework. Castiel was more than willing to admit he enjoyed the mutual word wars a great deal. Lesson wise, they were still in the basics, but several of his students, including Paige, had already shown true talent, a natural grasp of the nuances and meaning behind the words. Castiel couldn’t wait for the spring semester to introduce them to the more challenging texts.

Had someone asked him a year ago if he was willing to teach a bunch of college students, he would’ve thought them insane. But now, after a mere month, he realized he was having more fun than he had ever thought possible. Even his theology students were interested and focused, and, more often than not, Castiel found himself engrossed in a deep conversation after lessons.

It had taken him about a week to get a hang of the teaching routine, and then some more when Dr. Green’s classes had been turned over to him. Surprisingly enough, Balthazar had been a great help. Being around him was strange, because Castiel didn’t remember him being this… competent, back when they had been together. Of course, that Balthazar had been in his early twenties. This new Balthazar was more mature and stable, although he still was cynical, obnoxious, and, at times, downright rude. His fierce intelligence and sharp sense of humor were the same as ever, but time and life had smoothed out the rough edges somewhat.

It was a relief, really, since Castiel remembered Balthazar being almost cruel with his puns and remarks. He had always enjoyed a bit too much of his own superiority for Castiel’s liking.

The true relief was that, after the confrontation in their kitchen, Balthazar had behaved himself, acting like was proper for an unbonded omega around a mated alpha. Had Balthazar continued with his improper advances, working in the same faculty would’ve proved practically impossible. Nevertheless, things were still somewhat tense whenever they brushed anything concerning Dean, even if it was a side note mention of what Dean had cooked for dinner the previous night. It was more than obvious that Balthazar wasn’t particularly fond of the younger omega, but he never made the mistake of insulting him again.

Castiel stifled a snort when he encountered another one of Paige’s quips. The girl was almost too snarky for her own good.

After seeing a couple of the papers, Balthazar had started teasing him mercilessly about his ’starry-eyed young protégés.’ At the beginning of the semester, Castiel had found the situation confusing and mildly uncomfortable, although none of his students had actually acted out of line. He couldn’t deny, however, the heady feeling of being looked up and listened to. He had always been the unassuming, bland, and silent alpha, preferring to be left alone to work at his own pace. It was disconcerting to be in a situation where in every class he had twenty young, bright minds hung on his every word and treated his lessons like they were the word of God.

Apart from Dean, no-one had ever paid him much attention.

Speaking of Dean…

Castiel sighed. Something was wrong. Castiel could feel it in his bones, sense it through the bond, and smell it on his mate. But Dean didn’t talk about it, and Castiel wasn’t sure how to ask without being too pushy. He wished that, at some point, Dean would open up and just _trust,_ but in the meanwhile, there was little else he could do but to wait. Dean liked to talk, babble even, but he rarely talked about his feelings or deepest fears, preferring to evade and hide behind cocky exterior and snarky comments.

Of course, Castiel knew Dean worried about still not having a major. Truth was, Dean was completely at a sea about what he wanted to be when he ’grew up,’ as he liked to express. Castiel had tried to reassure him over and over again that he didn’t have to decide it yet, that the OIAA wouldn’t cut his college funding if he failed to come up with a major he was interested in. But Dean was morose. He had this deeply ingrained, weird sense of inferiority in him, and, despite his best efforts, Castiel hadn’t been able to weed it off. It surfaced only occasionally, and was often gone so quickly that Castiel didn’t get a hold of what it actually was.

He did have a pretty good hunch, though.

When faced with Dean’s charismatic personality, it was easy to forget that his childhood hadn’t been exactly a conventional one. Over the years, they had brushed over it, several times, but had never really talked about it, not in a thorough way. From what Castiel had managed to put together from the snippets Dean and Sam had given out, and the little he remembered from his talks with Mary, Castiel knew it hadn’t been pretty. Living a nomadic life in trailers and dingy hotels while their whole lives were based on uncertainty left a mark on person, no matter how hard their parents had tried to make things work.

Although he had suffered more from the constant changing of schools and moving around, Sam had been better in brushing off the shadows of their past. Perhaps it was his trusting nature, the fact that he was the younger (and, therefore, the more sheltered) one, or that he had always accommodated easily enough, as long as he had been given a chance at normalcy, a comparatively steady home base, and a school to attend.

Dean on the other hand…

After presenting as an omega and his family finally settling down, Dean had faced a steady school routine for the first time in his life. It hadn’t ended well. He had been repeatedly written off as a mouthy and uppity omega, harassing other students with his jittery moving and continuous questions. Things might have been slightly better had Dean been an alpha (or even a beta), but as an omega, he had been expected to _behave._

Dean had always been very good in hiding his insecurities, and it had taken Castiel almost two years to dig out the real reason why Dean disliked school so much: he simply didn’t know how to study, and, at the age of fourteen, kids were expected to know. But, due to his mismatched school history, no-one had had the time or even the chance to guide him to learn his own strengths or tell him that he wasn’t stupid when he didn’t learn anything just by staring at a book. As a result, Dean had never developed the necessary learning skills or a working study routine, opting to improvise and talk himself through classes instead.

High school had been an agony and Castiel was sure Dean wouldn’t have made it without Benny’s help. The two teens had hit off almost immediately, and had soon developed a deep friendship. If Castiel was being honest, their closeness had worried him a bit, but he had soon realized that Benny had absolutely no interest in omegas, a fact made clear when Benny had calmly escorted a full in-heat Dean home once. Afterwards, Castiel had thanked him and had practically given him permission to act as Dean’s stand-in alpha when Castiel wasn’t available.

The steady presence of the young alpha acted like a balancing buffer between Dean and the rest of the school world, a thing that continued to be necessary when they were in college. Of course, Castiel knew Dean and Benny shared something he wasn’t part of, and Dean talked to Benny about things he didn’t discuss with Castiel, but he was okay with it. He didn’t feel like he needed to be the sole trustee in his mate’s life. It was, once again, a thing that separated Castiel from other alphas.

The arrangement had proven useful in a way Castiel hadn’t predicted: whenever Dean came home smelling like Benny, Castiel knew something had upset his mate to the extent that Benny had felt the need to step in. By the time he got home, Dean was usually calmer, and sometimes they even managed to talk things through. Lately, however, Castiel had smelled Benny on Dean almost every day, but whenever Castiel had tried to initiate conversation, Dean had dodged his attempts.

He knew he had been preoccupied with his lessons, and, combined with his regular translating responsibilities, he had very little spare time at the moment. Regrettably often Dean was home long before Castiel, and when the alpha finally made his way home, he was often too tired to give his mate the attention he deserved.

Castiel knew he was to blame, but he wasn’t sure how to fix it.

He set his pen on the table and rubbed his face. While deep in thought, he had lost his drive for grading, and he knew he wouldn’t do justice to his students if he pushed himself to continue like this. His heart sunk when he realized it was already 7pm. He had promised Dean he would be home earlier today, but it seemed like he had failed his promise, yet again. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, gathered his papers, and arranged them neatly to continue his grading tomorrow.

He was on his way to pull on his coat, when Balthazar peeked in.

”I hoped I was wrong when I saw the lights being on, but obviously, I wasn’t,” Balthazar sighed. ”Good Lord, what are you still doing here? Don’t you have a home to go to?”

Castiel made a face. ”I didn’t notice it was this late.”

Balthazar cocked a brow. ”You’re not avoiding going home, are you? I mean, you are here almost every night, way longer than you need to. Is there trouble in Paradise?”

”Balthazar…” Castiel warned.

”I’m sorry,” the omega raised his hand in a placating gesture. ”I know, I know, not my business. I just wondered. And —” he raised a finger, ”— before you growl at me _again,_ I’m not trying to hit on you. I did learn my lesson the first time, thank you very much.”

”No, I’m not avoiding anything. I just… work too much.”

Balthazar watched him for a moment. ”Have you made that clear to Dean too?”

Castiel frowned. ”What?”

”You spend your evenings here instead of at home with your mate. I just wondered if he’s okay with that.”

Checking his phone, Castiel was about to snap his answer. Then he saw the message Dean had sent him an hour ago.

_> Call me if you need a ride home._

He blinked and glanced at Balthazar. ”Um. Sorry, I —”

Balthazar waved his hand in a yeah-go-on move. Castiel turned around as he dialed.

The phone rang only once.

_”Hi Cas.”_

”Dean, I’m sorry. Somehow, I lost the sense of time. Again. I’m leaving now. Do you want me to wait in the parking lot?”

The beginning of Dean’s answer was drowned under Balthazar’s ”I can give you a lift. I’ll drive past your house anyway.”

Silence.

Castiel frowned. ”Dean?”

_”Was that Balthazar?”_

”Yes. He just popped in to throw me out of the building.”

_”Oh.”_

”He offered to drop me off on his way home.”

 _”Yeah, okay.”_ A pause, then, _”I gotta go, see you at home.”_

Dean’s voice was odd, but before Castiel had the chance to ask if he was alright, he ended the call. Castiel blinked and dropped the phone in his bag. When he turned, he met Balthazar’s assessing stare.

”What?”

”Are you absolutely sure Dean knows that you are just working here?” Balthazar asked slowly.

”Instead of what, exactly?”

”Well, shagging me, for instance.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. ”First of all, I wouldn’t touch you even with a ten-foot pole. No offense.”

Balthazar winced. ”Ouch. None taken.”

”Secondly, I’m mated. Even if I _could_ cheat on Dean — which I really couldn’t, by the way — I couldn’t cheat on our bond.”

Something flashed in Balthazar’s eyes. ”Are you sure about that?”

”Yes," Castiel said firmly. "Now, are you giving me a ride or do I need to call a cab?”

Balthazar opened his mouth, but then changed his mind, pressing his lips together in a tight line and shaking his head a little. He turned to go, jerking his head at Castiel to follow.

The ride home took only about fifteen minutes, but it felt a lot longer. Castiel stared out of the side window, clutched his bag, and wondered what he was to meet when he got home. To his dismay, he realized Balthazar’s words were an unpleasant itch under his skin.

”You know, you really should talk to him,” Balthazar said after a moment. He didn’t look at Castiel, but kept his eyes at the road.

Castiel was suddenly exhausted. ”Why are you doing this?”

Balthazar didn’t pretend he didn’t know what he was talking about.

”Believe it or not, I actually care,” he sighed. ”Not about Dean, as such, but about you. Funny about that, the caring stuff. Now that I don’t have to pretend that I love you, I find that I actually like you. To an extent.”

”Thank you,” Castiel said dryly. ”I guess.” Balthazar admitting he had only pretended to love Castiel still stung, even though he had guessed it a long time ago.

”You’re welcome. Anyway. Because I like you, I have to ask you what the hell were you thinking, Cassie? You practically mated a pup.”

Castiel turned his head to give Balthazar an incredulous look. ”A moral lecture? From you, Balty?”

”Touché,” Balthazar grinned. ”But of all the things I’ve done, none of them is even close to this. Did I really break you so badly that you had to jump on a teenager?”

When Castiel didn’t answer, Balthazar’s grin died. ”Bloody hell. I did, didn’t I? Break you, I mean.”

Castiel turned to look out of the window again. He really didn’t want to talk about this. He had made his peace with Balthazar’s actions a long time ago, and picking at the old wound would only irritate it for nothing.

”I never meant that,” Balthazar said quietly. ”I admit I was a coward. I used the OIAA’s rejection letter as a perfectly good excuse to bolt, instead of breaking up with you properly. You deserved more than I was willing to give you then.”

Castiel didn’t turn his gaze from the window. ”Did you know that had we mated and bonded, the OIAA wouldn’t have done anything?”

”Pardon?”

”I take that as a ’no’ then,” Castiel nodded. ”Dean knew. He did his research and used the OIAA’s own regulations against them.”

”Smart.”

”He is,” Castiel said with a soft smile.

They arrived to the house and Balthazar pulled over. As Castiel reached out to open the door, Balthazar grabbed his arm. When Castiel frowned and looked at Balthazar, he rolled his eyes and dropped his hand from Castiel’s arm.

”As I said, I care about you,” Balthazar said. ”I don’t know if it’s genuine or some leftover guilt about the way I treated you when I left. But, Cassie… Clear this thing between you and Dean. I’ve seen what jealousy can do to bonds, and I’d hate you two lose this tooth-rotting happiness of yours over misplaced feelings.”

”Dean has no reason to —”

”We know that,” Balthazar interrupted. _”He_ doesn’t.”

Balthazar slapped Castiel’s shoulder once, then shooed him out of the car, and drove off. Castiel was left standing in the driveway, frowning, and staring after him.

What was he supposed to think of all this?

Sighing deeply, he shook his head, turned, and went inside.

”Dean?” He called, as soon as he opened the door. The house was silent, but with Dean’s shoes on the floor and his jacket in the coat rack, he knew his mate was home. Sam was still in his study group (ethics tonight, if Castiel remembered correctly), and would probably be home soon.

Castiel shed his coat, jacket, and shoes, and dropped his bag beside his desk in the living room, before going upstairs, frowning at the silence.

The bedroom was dark, but he smelled Dean well enough to know he was inside. He didn’t want to disturb him by flicking the lights on, so he waited for a moment to let his eyes adjust to the dimness.

Dean was curled on his side, his back to the door, the blanket tightly around him. He was tense, and by his forcibly even breathing Castiel knew he wasn’t sleeping.

The alpha sat on the edge of the mattress and reached out a hesitant hand to touch Dean on the shoulder. When his mate jerked slightly at the touch, Castiel wasn’t sure what to think about it.

”I’m sorry,” he offered tentatively.

Dean stayed tense and didn’t turn around.

”Dean —”

”I’m tired, Cas,” Dean said gruffly and tugged the blankets tighter around him.

Something clenched painfully inside Castiel.

”I — I think I’ll be in the kitchen then?” It came out as a question.

Dean didn’t answer.

Troubled, Castiel walked downstairs. When he walked into the kitchen, he took in the table set with candles, and his heart sank. Dean had obviously put an effort to this night, and Castiel had screwed up. Royally.

No wonder Dean was mad.

With a sigh, Castiel brewed himself a pot of tea, sat at the table, and tried to think about how to fix this.

Later that night, when he crawled into bed and looked at Dean, still curled away from him, he had no idea.

 

* * *

 

When Castiel woke up, he was alone, and, when he touched the mattress on Dean’s side, it was already cool. It was odd, because it was only 7am and Dean didn’t get up early unless he absolutely had to.

Castiel frowned and clambered up. He snatched some clothes and looked around as he dressed up, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary, the bedroom looked exactly as it had the day before. On his way to the bathroom, he sneaked a look in Sam’s room, but there was no Dean, just Sam, sprawled on his bed, snoring softly.

The bathroom held only a hint of humidity and Dean’s towel was almost dry. A strange feel of foreboding crept over him, and Castiel had to take a steadying breath before he took the stairs down. Calling softly for Dean, he glanced into the living room and found it empty. His alpha was growing restless, looking for a sign, any sign of its mate, but Castiel’s conscious mind already knew what he would see when he looked at the driveway.

It was empty.

Castiel wasn’t sure how he managed stagger into the kitchen to sit on a chair instead of just sliding to the floor. When he realized his hands were shaking, he pressed his hands together and leaned forward to press his forehead on his joined hands.

Dean was gone. Dean was never gone this early, not without informing him first.

Castiel drew a shaky breath and forced himself to think.

The bedroom had looked like it always did. The bathroom had still held all Dean’s stuff. The coffee table in the living room still had Dean’s books laying around. So, Dean was gone. But he was coming back. Absolutely. Castiel refused to think otherwise, because it might drive him insane. His alpha was snarling, demanding to be let loose and track down its mate, but Castiel kept it on a tight leash.

There must be a reasonable explanation to all this. Right?

Why was Dean gone?

Castiel rested his forehead on his hands, squeezed his eyes shut, and forced his breathing to even out.

Facts. He should concentrate on facts.

Things had started to change when Balthazar had showed up. Dean had been moodier ever since, even though he had tried to hide it. Castiel had wanted to make sure Dean was okay with his new job, and he had believed when Dean had reassured him that he was. Had he been too hasty? Had he been too eager to have this new thing in his life to actually stop and listen to his mate? Did he really know what Dean thought about his new job?

Thing was, they had spent significantly less time together, and, with them both tired with their workload, they hadn’t had the energy to sit down and talk properly, let alone do anything else. Castiel felt a bitter sting of regret when he realized he had been so wrapped up with his new work that he had overlooked his mate. He had repeatedly promised to be home earlier, and he had repeatedly broken that promise.

But it wasn’t like Dean didn’t know where he was; on the contrary, Castiel spent his evenings in his office at the college. It wasn’t like he was running loose somewhere, ogling random omegas. Besides Dean, the only omega he was continuously around was Balthazar.

…Balthazar. Who had tried to hit on Castiel.

A chill went down Castiel’s spine, as Balthazar’s words from the previous night echoed in his mind: _”We know there’s nothing going on. He doesn’t.”_

Did Dean really think he was cheating? How could he? Castiel had never given any reason for Dean to suspect anything! Ever since he had met Dean, Castiel didn’t even see other omegas, not even when they were blatantly flirting at him. He had always considered himself strictly monogamous, and the fact that he and Dean were bonded, made cheating pretty much impossible.

Didn’t it?

Castiel remembered Balthazar’s tone when he had questioned Castiel’s conviction about his inability to cheat when bonded. Something in his tone had hinted that Balthazar knew more about the topic, but Castiel really didn’t want to think about why or how.

Just to ease his mind, Castiel reached for the bond, and went completely cold.

The bond was mute.

Terrified, he reached deeper, called out for Dean through their connection, and received only silence. The meaning of a muted bond dawned somewhere inside him, but he shied away from it.

Dean wasn’t — he couldn’t be —

Castiel felt his alpha claw its way to the surface, desperate and panicked, and he no longer had any interest in keeping it under control. Its mate was gone — _lost_ — and its only purpose was to find its mate or die trying.

Castiel was distinctly aware of a distressed sound, and it took him some time to realize it was him. He was going under, and he had no way to stop it.

”Cas? _Cas!_ What’s wrong? Where’s Dean? _DEAN!”_

Someone was calling out for him, but Castiel was unable to answer, curled forward on his chair, shaking his head. A low, broken wail escaped from his throat, and he felt himself slowly slide on the floor.

Somewhere, someone was talking urgently —

_”— the hell are you? It’s fucking 7:30am, Dean! Get the hell home, Cas is going feral or something — I don’t know! Look — no idea — Dean, I woke up with him whining in panic, and found him in the kitchen falling apart and — GET THE FUCK HOME!”_

— and then everything went black.


	4. Chapter 4

_”Cas is going feral — GET THE FUCK HOME!”_

Dean blinked at the phone without understanding a word.

Why would Cas be going feral at 7:30am on a Tuesday morning?

Confused and tired to the bone, Dean tried to crawl out of the bed, only to kick Benny in the side on the way.

”Dean? What the hell?”

After he had woken Benny at 4:30am to crawl into his bed to wallow in his self-pity, the young alpha wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about the second interruption to his sleep. A tired Benny was an impatient Benny, and he was in no mood for bullshit.

”Dean?” Benny warned.

”Sam called and said Cas is going feral,” Dean said stupidly.

”He said _what?”_ Benny hissed and scrambled up. ”Move it Dean. I’ll drive you.”

Dean blinked again, somewhat dazed about the turn of events, but he followed Benny readily enough, scrambling out of bed and down the stairs, hailing Benny’s parents having breakfast. If they were surprised to see Dean, they didn’t comment on it. Both being betas, they had probably learned to dismiss everything Dean and Benny did as some alpha/omega things they understood nothing about.

When they reached Baby, Dean didn’t say a word when Benny snatched the car keys, pushed him to Baby’s passenger seat, and took the wheel himself.

”I don’t understand,” Dean muttered, when Baby’s engine roared to life and Benny sped up.

”How didn’t you feel it? You’re bonded, brother. You should be able to feel these things!”

”Oh yeah, the bond,” Dean breathed, embarrassed, and glanced at his sternum.

Of course, he knew he couldn’t actually see the bond, but he had always imagined it sort of resting at the centre of his chest. So, yeah… the bond.

He frowned. Why didn’t he feel it? Was it because he had purposefully pushed it from his mind for weeks now, ever since things had started to go off between him and Cas?

Annoyed, he closed his eyes, concentrated, and reached deeper.

The bond felt odd, foggy and sluggish, and it was like there was this… resistance?

Dean shook his head, set his jaw, and _pushed._ The resistance held for a fleeting moment longer, and then the bond surged wide open, washing over him with —

_panic — loss — terror — regret — dean — dean — dean — dean_

Dean’s head thumped back against the headrest and he whimpered at the onslaught of the raw emotions, fighting to remember how to breathe. He was distantly grateful that Benny was driving, because he was barely coherent with the bond gone haywire. From somewhere, he heard Benny’s steady low murmur of _”hang in there chief, not long now,”_ and Dean clung on his every word like a lifeline.

The ride took forever, and with each passing second, the bond tore at Dean’s chest like it was a living thing trying to break free. His omega was clawing its way to the surface, desperate to find and soothe its mate. Dean clenched his hands on his thighs, dug his nails into the flesh and used the pain to ground himself, to prevent himself from going feral.

As soon as Benny stopped the car on the driveway, Dean scrambled out, and promptly fell on down. In a second, Benny was there, helping him up and supporting him, practically carrying him inside. Sam was already waiting for them on the doorway, his face white and eyes wide with fear, and he all but pushed them inside and into the kitchen.

The sight waiting for him would’ve dropped Dean on the floor, if Benny hadn’t been holding him up.

Because there was Cas in a shivering heap on the floor, letting out a continuous, low wail.

Benny helped Dean move a little closer to Cas before letting go, and Dean lurched towards his alpha on unsteady feet, fell on his knees, crawling the last couple of feet, and hauled Cas onto his lap. He guided Cas’s nose to the crook of his neck, cradled the alpha into his arms, and started rocking back and forth in a slow, swaying motion.

It took too long, _way_ too long for Dean’s liking, for Cas to recognize he was on Dean’s lap. When he finally did, he let out a strangled noise and shot his arms around Dean, gripping him almost painfully tight. But Dean didn’t mind. Cas had scared the hell out of him, and, for all Dean cared, the alpha could go and crack his ribs, if it meant he was finally coming back to consciousness.

Dean kept rocking his mate, until Cas’s wail slowly subdued into a barely-there-whine. Then the whining stopped, and there was a short moment of silence. A short moment later, Dean felt Cas’s lips move against his skin, and he had to strain to hear his mate.

”Dean. _Dean,”_ Cas whispered brokenly.

”Yeah, I’m here, Cas,” he said softly. ”What the hell happened?”

”I couldn’t feel you. I tried, and I couldn’t feel you. It was mute, everything was silent. I tried and I couldn’t — I thought you were — _Dean,”_ Castiel babbled, his every word a painful rasp.

”Hey, it’s okay. I’m here, Cas. I’m not going anywhere.”

Somewhere in the back of his mind there was a seed of an idea of what this clusterfuck was all about, but Dean couldn’t concentrate on it now. He had to get Cas coherent, and that meant they needed to get off from the kitchen floor. Dean was aware that Sam and Benny had discreetly retreated into the living room, far enough to give them some privacy, but staying close in case they were needed.

”Guys?” He called softly. ”A little help?”

The young alphas approached slowly, eying Cas warily for a possible attack. Dean sighed and shook his head.

”Don’t worry. He’s not feral.”

Sam frowned. ”What is it then?”

Dean averted his eyes. He didn’t actually want to voice his suspicion, and he _really_ didn’t want to do it now. But he also knew that avoidance wasn’t an option, not after what had happened and with both Sam and Benny staring at him. Dean sighed again.

”I think it’s pseudo broken-bond shock.” He grimaced at Sam and Benny’s sharp inhale and hurried to add, ”And no, I don’t want to talk about it now. Help us up and to the bedroom. Please?”

Sam and Benny shared a wary look, but obeyed. Dean wasn’t surprised when Cas clung onto him and refused to let go, which forced the young alphas to help them as a package. As a result, Sam supported Dean as Benny practically lifted Cas up, and, together, they managed to shuffle upstairs. It was slow and awkward going, and when they finally reached the bedroom, everyone but Cas was sweating and out of breath.

”I need to get our clothes off,” Dean panted. ”Leave the boxers.”

It took both Benny and Sam’s joined effort to pry Cas’s hands away from around Dean. When they finally managed, Dean ducked away and stripped quickly down to his panties, while the alphas wrestled the shirt and pajama pants from Cas. His alpha’s breathing turned ragged, like he was in physical pain when not in contact with Dean, and Dean hurried to move the blankets out of the way and crawled into the middle of the bed. Benny and Sam supported Cas to the bed, and the alpha practically fell on top of Dean, instantly curling himself around the omega with something akin to a sob, and buried his face into Dean’s neck.

As soon as Cas was out of their hands, Benny backed hastily out of the bedroom. Despite being a close friend, he wasn’t family, and he didn’t want to complicate things.

Sam stayed behind. He tucked them in hesitantly, then hovered, worried.

”Do you want me to stay home today?”

Dean shook his head minutely. ”No, thanks. But could you toss me some water bottles, fruit bars, and my phone?”

Sam nodded and hurried off to return a short while later with things Dean had asked for.

”Will you be alright?” Sam’s voice was hesitant and quiet. It was clear that he was asking about a lot more than just about the current situation.

Dean swallowed. ”I hope so.”

Sam nodded again. ”Okay. I’ll be off to school then. I’ll keep my phone in my sight at all times, so, if you need anything, call me. Okay?”

”Yeah, okay,” Dean said with a wan smile. ”Thanks Sammy.”

”Anytime, Dean.” Sam turned and left, leaving the bedroom door open.

Dean turned his attention to Cas. The alpha was quiet, but he was still breathing raggedly, and his skin was clammy with a grayish tint. Every now and then Cas shook with a slight tremor that made him grip Dean tighter.

”Oh my alpha. What the hell did we do to ourselves?”

 

* * *

 

Cas hovered in that weird twilight zone for what seemed like hours. Dean stayed awake, the kitchen encounter playing in his head in a constant loop. He had caught about zero sleep the previous night, but, despite his physical and mental exhaustion, he just couldn’t relax.

What the hell had happened? How the fuck had Cas pushed himself into a pseudo bond-break shock?

The previous night, Dean had been so fucking angry at Cas and had felt so betrayed that he had just flipped and left.

The sense of detachment had built slowly but steadily over the weeks, ever since Cas had accepted the job in the college. He had been away a lot, pretty much the whole time, and Dean had felt — well — abandoned, to be honest.

It was stupid, really.

During the first week, when Cas had lost himself in his new job and forgotten to come home in time, Dean had just chortled. His workaholic of a mate had tried to prove himself to his students and to the school, and had forgotten to eat and actually come home. Cas had been sheepish and Dean had teased him about trying to be a good employee, and had then proceeded to send him a fuckton of cheeky texts during his classes.

As the fourth week rolled in, Cas was being away practically every night. Dean had stomped on the slimy feeling of jealousy and steadfastly refused to acknowledge it. Cas had finally found himself something of his own, something he enjoyed doing, and Dean had been annoyed at himself for being bitchy when Cas hadn’t been home all the time. Besides, at the end of the day, Cas had always come home to him, hadn’t he? Dean had kept on sending the texts anyway, but they weren’t so cheeky anymore.

By the sixth week, Dean had sort of deflated.

After his lessons, he came to an empty home (because Sam was usually in his never ending study groups), did his homework, prepared dinner, ate alone, and tried to kill time with Netflix and calling Benny to whine about mundane things. He had gradually drifted off from texting, because Cas never answered. Actually, it seemed like he hadn’t even noticed Dean didn’t text him anymore, and wasn’t that just encouraging as fuck.

It had worked just fine, until Benny had snapped.

”You need to talk to _him,_ seriously. I’m not your goddamn alpha!”

But Dean wasn’t so sure how to talk to Cas.

The situation was like nothing they had faced before.

Dean could tell Cas that he thought his alpha was the hottest thing on earth and that he loved him and adored him, but he couldn’t tell Cas how empty he felt inside. He could ask Cas what Cas wanted from him, but he couldn’t ask things for himself. He never had.

It was something Cas had been working on pretty much since they had mated, and it frustrated his alpha to no end. Cas got seriously miffed when Dean didn’t think himself as smart or good as the others, even though it was true.

Besides, what was he supposed to have said, anyway? ”Hey, Cas, I want you to stop spending time at school because I’m lonely and you’re not here? Oh, and I know I’m not as smart as your students or Balthazar, but just dumb down your preferences for me, wouldja?”

Yeah, not gonna happen.

It was just too damn perfect that Cas worked in the same faculty as the smarmy dick Balthazar. Dean had bitched about the older omega to Benny, and he had told him to shut it and stop being a jealous idiot for nothing. But Dean hadn’t been able to shake the ugly feeling of jealousy that gripped him every time he thought about Cas spending time with Balthazar.

In a way the whole thing mocked him big time. Balthazar might have lost Cas in the past because the choices he had made, but now he had Cas with him almost every single night during school week. The two of them could share things Dean didn’t know anything about, things he had never learned. They could talk about things they had done and places they had visited before Dean had even been born. It was…

Fuck it, Dean didn’t know what it was.

So, he had started to text Cas again. Usually it was about the dinner (what he was making and when), sometimes it was to ask if Cas needed a lift. The weather had grown steadily chillier with the approaching winter, and Cas wasn't that keen on cycling to work anymore. So, Dean tried to be a good mate and ignored the clammy feeling in his gut when Cas didn’t answer all his texts right away.

Yesterday, when Cas had agreed to come home earlier to have a proper dinner, Dean had been ecstatic, setting the table with candles and shit. Yeah, he _had_ been, until the time his alpha had promised to be home had come and gone, and Cas was still at school. Dean had sent him a text, asking if Cas needed a ride, but he hadn’t answered.

An hour past their dinner time, when Cas had finally called and apologized, hearing Balthazar’s voice in the background had really been the last straw.

Dean had felt completely numb.

He had packed the overcooked dinner away (it wasn’t wasted as such, because Sam would eat it anyway), shuffled upstairs and crawled into bed. The bed had been cold and the blankets were somehow too heavy, too light, and too suffocating at the same time.

Feeling completely alone, he had pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes and had refused to cry.

Somewhere along the weeks they had stopped touching almost entirely. Oh, the fleeting touches and soft brushes of goodnight-kisses were still there, but it had been a long time since Cas had touched him with want. At first, it had been because of the exhaustion, both of them more interested in sleeping than fucking. Then, the intimacy had sort of… faded away, and by the time Dean had realized how bad it had gotten, he had already felt too rejected to reach out.

And last night, when Cas had come home smelling like Balthazar, Dean just couldn’t help but flinch away from his touch. Cas had apologized, but that’s what he always did. It didn’t make anything better, it never had. Dean had acted like a butthurt princess, Cas had left the bedroom, and with each step his alpha had taken, Dean had felt his heart shatter.

Somehow, he hadn’t been surprised that Cas hadn’t touched him when he had come to bed later.

Dean had stayed awake at night, curled away from his mate, trying to figure out what to do. He had felt nauseous, his head had been a mess, and he hadn’t been able to think, so he had texted Benny and asked if he could crawl into his bed to have at least a little sleep. Fortunately enough, Benny hadn’t asked anything, but had just sent an ”OK.”

And when Dean had slipped out of bed, Cas hadn’t even stirred.

Now he was, once again, lying awake in bed, except now he had a trembling alpha wrapped around him. Their bond was a murky mess of incoherent emotions, and Dean’s mind wasn’t much better off. 

  
How the fuck had they created this mess?

 

* * *

 

Despite of the turmoil in his brain, at some point Dean drifted off. After getting tired of the the company of his own mind, Dean had drunk a little water and eaten half a fruit bar, trying to distract himself from his thoughts. He had barely managed to move without Cas letting out these distressed whimpers, and he had hurried back to cradle his alpha. Cas had plastered himself tightly against Dean’s chest, and, before he even realized, Dean had been out like a light.

When he woke up, it was to a splitting headache and an aching bladder. Cas was still wrapped around him, but Dean managed to slip from under him relatively easily, and hurried to take a leak. The air was cold against his skin after the long skin contact, and Dean shivered. He didn’t linger, but did his business, brushed his teeth and headed back to the bedroom as fast as possible.

He didn’t make it further than to the door, when Cas scrambled out of the bed and practically jumped on him.

”I thought — I thought you were gone,” Cas said, his voice strangled.

Dean blinked. ”I just took a leak. I wasn’t gone that long.”

”Oh. Right. Sorry,” Cas mumbled, but didn’t let go.

Dean guided him gently towards the bed, sat him down, and made him eat a fruit bar. Cas obeyed mechanically, not really paying attention to his surroundings, his whole being curled towards Dean. Dean thought it was weird and more than a little frightening.

”So. I think we need to talk,” he finally said, after Cas had finished eating.

”I’m not having an affair with Balthazar,” Cas blurted, desperation pouring through their bond. ”I’m sorry. I’ll quit my job if you want me to. I’ll do anything you want, just don’t leave me, Dean. Please.”

Dean gaped and blinked, trying to wrap his head around Cas’s jumble of words.

”I’m not — Okay, stop, Cas. Just — stop.”

Dean drew a ragged breath and rubbed his face. This whole clusterfuck had gone south way faster he had imagined possible. He couldn’t look at Cas and the raw anguish in his eyes, and stared at his hands on his lap instead.

”How did this happen, Cas?” He asked quietly. ”How did we end up here — me believing that you were having good times with Balthazar and you thinking I would ever leave you?”

The alpha let out a pained sound. ”I would never cheat on you. You must know that!” Cas said, panicky. ”How could I? You are my mate and I love you. And we are bonded, Dean.”

Dean glanced at Cas from the corner of his eye. ”Bonds don’t prevent people from cheating, you know.”

In another situation, the look of utter bewilderment on Cas’s face might have been amusing. Now, it only alleviated how fucking wrong Dean had read everything. Cas was so damn naïve that the idea of a mating bond not being a hindrance for extrabond affairs obviously hadn’t even crossed his mind.

Cas was silent for a moment. Then he asked, hesitantly, ”Did you really think I was having an affair? With Balthazar?”

Dean turned his head away and shrugged.

”Dean, please.”

”You seemed to like his company more,” Dean finally muttered.

Cas sighed. It wasn’t the frustrated kind of a sigh Dean was used to, but a heartbroken, hopeless one. The mattress rocked a bit when he stood up, and Dean thought Cas was going to go. When the alpha sank onto his knees in front of him, Dean looked up, surprised.

”I’m so sorry, Dean,” Cas said hoarsely, his whole heart in his eyes. ”I’ve been too absorbed with my work and I’ve neglected you. I can assure you that I would never cheat on you. I’ve never wanted anyone else like I want you, and Balthazar knows that. Actually, he said he’d never seen me like I am with you, and I told him he had never deserved it. You, on the other hand, you deserve everything. Your doubt means I’ve failed you.”

Dean stared at his alpha, speechless. Cas must’ve misunderstood his silence, because he grabbed Dean’s hands between his own and searched his eyes with desperate intent.

”Please let me make it up to you. Let me prove to you that I’m worthy of you.”

That woke Dean up. ”What? No, Cas! There’s no need to prove anything.”

Something deflated in Cas and he swayed. Dean grabbed his wrist in alarm, realizing he had fucked up again.

”No, that’s not — Oh fuck, Cas. C’mhere,” he sighed, stood up, and tugged the dazed alpha up from the floor and into his embrace. ”I meant that you don’t have to prove anything to me. I’ve always thought you more than worthy of me.” Dean closed his eyes and buried his face in Cas’s neck.

”I thought you didn’t want me anymore,” he mumbled into Cas’s skin. ”I thought that, after Balthazar’s return, you’d realize how young and stupid I was — that I _am,_ and that you’d choose him. And then you spent all your evenings away and I thought…” Dean swallowed. ”I thought you had made your choice.”

Cas let out a strangled noise and gripped him tight, trembling slightly.

”I didn’t even realize I had shut down the bond until this morning when I tried to reach out for you. I’m so sorry, Cas! I made you think that —”

His teary rambling was interrupted when Cas kissed him messily and desperately. The kiss tasted like regret and tears, and Dean let himself be pulled into it. His breath hitched with an aborted sob, and Cas tightened his hold, like he could make everything better just by holding him, like this was somehow Cas’s fault. Which was just plain crazy: it was Dean who had misread everything and fucked up royally, hurting his alpha badly.

He had almost lost Cas because of his stupidity, and could only hope Cas would eventually forgive him.

Dean shivered at the cold air on his skin, and, after a little nudge, he tipped them on the bed. Cas never broke the kiss and let go of Dean only to draw the blankets over them. The alpha slotted himself on top of Dean, covering his whole body with his own, determined to get as much skin contact as possible. In his familiar touch, Dean melted boneless and tried to push down his guilt.

He would have plenty of time for that later.


	5. Chapter 5

After the unfortunate Tuesday, everything was frail and brittle.

Castiel’s whole being ached and he moved gingerly, like an old man. It took him several days to regain what he felt was his full mobility, but the foggy and dazed feeling in his brain took longer to dissipate.

Obviously, what with being unable to even spell his own name properly, he was in no condition to work. The day after the… incident, he had sent a short message to the head of his faculty, informing him about a family emergency and requesting a leave. His boss had accepted the explanation without question, but, surprisingly enough, Balthazar had been more insistent. He had sent several texts, asking if Castiel was alright, if Dean was alright, if there was anything he could do (other than shut up).

When he received the messages, Castiel felt astonished, annoyed, and even a bit touched. He wasn’t exactly sure when his resentment towards his ex had transformed into a tentative friendship, but he appreciated it, to a point. Castiel was grudgingly starting to admit that Balthazar’s comment about not being forced to pretend to love anymore had opened up a whole new perspective to a slowly developing relationship. Despite his personality, Balthazar was the one with whom Castiel shared a history, and, if he was honest, his ex seemed to be the only friend he had. Apart from Dean, of course.

And, like it or not, Balthazar had been right about Dean’s headspace.

Castiel could see Dean was miserable. Dean blamed himself about the whole shitstorm, about Castiel’s suffering, and his forced leave from work. The omega kept shooting quick glances at Castiel, averting his eyes as soon as he realized Castiel had noticed him looking. Dean turned subdued and meek, and Castiel hated it.

At times like this, Castiel became painfully aware of their age difference — despite his size and attitude, Dean was still very young. 

On top of the physical backslash of the pseudo bond-break, Castiel felt nauseous because of all the guilt and shame pouring over the bond, unfiltered and raw. Only now he understood how much of their bond Dean had blocked off when he had thought Castiel was being unfaithful.

And now, in the aftermath of their near catastrophe, Dean was clearly hesitant to dampen it down even a little.

After a week, Castiel had had enough.

Sam was off to his study group again, which meant Castiel and Dean would have the whole house to themselves. During the day, Castiel thought about how to take their problem up with Dean, but no matter how much he mulled it over, there really was only one way to approach it: to address it bluntly. So, when Dean came home from school, Castiel met him by the door, and asked his mate to join him in the living room.

”Whatever we are doing now, it isn’t working,” he said, when Dean had sat on the couch, dropping his eyes on his lap.

Castiel sat gingerly on his armchair and pinched the base of his nose. ”This cycle of self-blaming and avoidance, it’s not working. And I don’t even want it to.”

Dean flinched.

Castiel shook his head in frustration and closed his eyes. ”I don’t like this,” he said softly, almost to himself. ”I don’t like it when you don’t talk to me, when you avoid my touch — hell, you avoid me! You have never shied away from my touch before.”

He sighed and looked at Dean. ”I miss you.”

”I’m not gone,” Dean mumbled, not meeting his eyes.

Castiel couldn’t take it anymore. ”Dean, please. Come here,” he pleaded, reaching out with his hand and through the bond.

Dean looked at the outstretched hand, blinked several times, and then slowly stood up and walked to Castiel. The alpha spread his legs to let his mate closer, and, after a moment of hesitation that nearly broke Castiel’s heart, Dean climbed on his lap. They didn’t exactly fit in the armchair anymore, but Castiel didn’t care. He pressed his nose to Dean’s pulse point and breathed in deep the scent of his omega.

Dean practically melted into Castiel’s embrace and buried his face in the alpha’s neck. Castiel hugged him tight, never wanting to let go.

He lost the sense of how long they sat there, embracing each other. After what seemed like an eternity, Dean shuddered.

”I’m sorry,” he breathed against Castiel’s skin. ”I’m so fucking sorry for everything. I’ve been a total dick.”

Castiel stroked his back and shook his head. ”No. This isn’t on you. There are two of us in this relationship, and all our actions are reactions. You acted like a betrayed mate, because of how I acted towards you. And I reacted to your withdrawal from the bond like I had lost you, because I thought I had.” He shivered at the memory. ”I never, _never_ want to go through that again.”

”It was all because I basically threw a hissy fit when you finally had something to do.” Dean sounded disgusted at himself, and that just wouldn’t do.

”Stop it,” Castiel said firmly and pushed Dean up just enough to see his face. ”We are not addressing this situation like that.”

He raised his brow when Dean opened his mouth to protest.

”But here is something we need to do. I want you to tell me how you feel. I know you don’t like it,” he said gently, noticing Dean’s wince, ”but I need to hear it. Not knowing is what brought us here in the first place, remember?”

Dean turned his head aside and grimaced. ”I hate this,” he grumbled, but he didn’t flee or argue further, which could be counted as a small victory.

”I know,” Castiel said softly, and traced Dean’s cheek with his fingers. ”But you _have_ to do it.” He let the tiniest sliver of alpha seep into his voice — not enough to compel Dean, but enough to let him know Castiel was serious.

Castiel sat still, waiting patiently for Dean to collect himself and reach his decision. He kept his breathing even and face calm, and his hands never stopped stroking Dean. Castiel knew they would have to go through with this at some point, but he’d rather have the discussion on Dean’s terms.

A good while later, Dean dropped his gaze to his lap. ”I feel… inadequate,” he said in a small voice. ”Jealous. Abandoned. Stupid.” He stopped, tense, but Castiel didn’t say anything.

After a short pause, Dean continued softly, ”I feel empty. I know I don’t really have a reason for it, but that’s just how it is. I wake up, pretend I’m okay, and go to sleep, and the next day I start all over again. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning, except I can see everyone around me is breathing just fine.” He shrugged, a helpless little move, and gave Castiel a small, self-deprecating smile.

Castiel felt out of his depth, but he pushed it down. ”Is there anything I can do?” He asked instead, searching Dean’s eyes.

”Just… don’t let me drown,” Dean whispered, so softly that Castiel had to strain to hear him.

”I won’t,” Castiel vowed and hugged him close.

He had no idea if was able to keep his promise, but damn him from not trying.

 

**********

 

Later that night, when they were set for bed, Dean reached out to him.

”Make me come,” he pleaded, clinging to Castiel and nuzzling his neck.

Castiel shivered, guided Dean to the bed, and pushed him gently on his back. Starting from the toes, Castiel covered his mate in kisses and worshiped his body until Dean was a trembling and moaning mess of want.

Looking at his omega, Castiel realized he had missed this: the unadulterated lust for Dean, who was wantonly spread in front of him, eyes glassy, cheeks rosy, and lips parted. Fleetingly, he wondered what had possessed his mind to spend so much time at school when he could’ve been at home, having _this_.

Dean’s cock was strained upwards, red and leaking, and Castiel swallowed it down with pleasure. It never ceased to amaze him, how he could wring out such incredible sounds from his mate, just by going down on him. His own cock was hard and squeezed uncomfortably inside his pants, but Castiel ignored it. Pleasuring Dean was always deeply satisfying, and sometimes it was enough for Castiel. He knew that, in this, he was once again an atypical alpha, not taking every chance to knot his omega.

In his mind, the other alphas were fools.

Castiel slid two fingers along the cleft of Dean’s ass and gently rubbed his rim. Dean arched at the touch, letting out a muffled cry, and instinctively spread his legs wider, canting his hips upwards. Castiel slipped his fingers into the slick, hot hole, and Dean’s body sucked him greedily in. He fucked Dean with his fingers in rhythm with his mouth, brushing his prostate like he had learned over the years. Dean groaned and rocked back and forth, and when Castiel glanced up, he saw Dean’s eyes were closed. Dean’s hand reached out and Castiel took it, intertwining their fingers together, grounding himself on his mate.

After a moment, Dean grabbed a handful of Castiel’s hair and roughly tugged, until the alpha let go of his cock with a wet pop and looked up.

”Get in me, now,” Dean panted. ”I want to come on your cock.”

Castiel frowned. ”You’re not sufficiently stretched,” he reminded. ”It will burn.”

”I want it. I want it to burn. I wanna _feel_ you.”

Castiel was doubtful, but he decided to trust Dean to know his own body. ”How do you want me?” He asked instead, carefully removing his fingers from inside Dean.

Dean didn’t say anything, but he turned over onto his hands and knees and presented Castiel his ass. The alpha’s breath hitched. Even after all these years, Dean managed to make Castiel speechless with want. He bent down to nibble around his omega’s hole before giving it a slow, deep lick.

Dean’s muscles jumped, and he spread his legs even more. ”Please,” he moaned.

Castiel knelt down, lubed himself up with Dean’s slick, and pushed slowly in. Dean was significantly tighter than usual because of the lack of preparation, and, for a moment, Castiel was truly worried. But then Dean reached out to grab his hips and _pulled_ Castiel in. By his harsh panting, the omega wasn’t exactly comfortable, but Castiel was unable to do nothing else but to rest his forehead against Dean’s back and whimper at the heat and tightness.

Dean started to gyrate his hips almost instantly, and Castiel was a helpless passenger on the ride. After years of effortless intimacy, they had learned each other inside out, and it didn’t take Dean lot to render Castiel overwhelmed and whimpering.

When he was able to open his eyes, Castiel realized the bedroom curtains were not drawn and he could see their reflection in the window. Dean’s head was bowed and he was leaning on his elbows, while Castiel was standing on his knees behind him, holding Dean on his hips. The sight was a lot more erotic than Castiel would’ve thought.

He had never been that much into exhibitionism or entertained any ideas of seeing himself having sex, but now, with Dean, he wanted to _watch them together_.

He hoisted Dean to sit on his lap and guided him to lean against his chest, Dean’s head dropped against Castiel’s shoulder. The position drove the alpha’s cock even deeper into his mate, making them both groan at the sensation. Dean’s legs spread on both side of Castiel, and he supported his omega on both hands as he thrusted in him, all the while staring at their reflection in the window.

Their image was slightly blurry, both from the distance and the unevenness of the glass. Castiel’s hands wrapped around Dean as he rested against the alpha’s chest, framing his torso and abdomen. With burning eyes, Castiel drank in the sight of his flushed mate and his breath hitched.

Together, they made a sinfully beautiful picture.

”Look, Dean,” he whispered hoarsely into his mate’s ear. ”Look at us.”

Slowly, Dean lifted his head up. Castiel felt the moment when Dean opened his eyes and saw their reflection, because the omega inhaled sharply and clenched around him. Dean gripped Castiel’s hand with his own, entwining their fingers together as their eyes met in the window. His other hand reached behind him to Castiel’s neck, pulling his head closer, to kiss him. It was slightly awkward and restricted Castiel’s movements a bit, but it was so intimate and loving that it bought tears in Castiel’s eyes. He stretched their bond wide open and let his feelings through freely, giving Dean chance to bathe in the depth of his love.

It didn’t take long for the alpha to feel his knot swell. Gently, he took Dean’s cock in hand and let his mate fuck into his fist in tune with his thrusts. Soon after, Dean dropped his head back on Castiel’s shoulder and moaned through his orgasm.

”Look at you. You are _beautiful_ ,” Castiel whispered, staring in awe at the reflection of his gorgeous mate, pliant and blissed out in his arms. The sight, Dean’s scent filling his nose, and his hole clenching around Castiel’s cock pushed the alpha over the edge, and he came with his arms around his mate, clutching Dean as closely as possible.

When he had caught his breath, he lowered them onto their sides, arranged them to be comfortable, and tucked the blankets around them. Dean had passed out and Castiel himself was drowsy enough, so he decided to clean up later and just enjoy the post-coital haze, falling asleep while tied to Dean.

In the following morning, they were disgustingly crusty, but Castiel didn’t give a damn. Dean was curled against his chest, his nose against the hollow of Castiel’s throat, and his legs entwined with Castiel’s. They were sweaty and smelly under the blankets, and Castiel loved it. He pressed his nose to scent Dean’s hair and pecked a small kiss on top of his head.

”What time is it?” Dean mumbled against his skin.

”Early,” Castiel answered.

”Okay.” Then, after a moment, Dean said, slowly, ”I want to remove my implant.”

Castiel blinked several times. _Well, that was unexpected._ He wasn’t exactly sure what Dean’s motivation was, and he fervently hoped it wasn’t some misguided sense of acting like a ”proper omega” spurred out of his jealousy over Balthazar.

”When?”

”Do you mean when I want it off or when I started to think about this?”

”Yes,” Castiel answered, fully aware Dean would find it amusing. Like he did.

”Right,” Dean snorted. ”Anyway, I’d want it off before my next heat. And I’ve been thinking about this about a year now, so it’s not about Balthazar, if that’s what you were concerned about.

Castiel nodded. ”Okay.”

To be honest, he had wanted Dean’s pups since the day they had bonded, but he had been waiting for Dean to be ready. He still wasn’t sure if Dean _really_ was ready to be a parent, what with his newly confessed depression, but they would cross that bridge when they got to it.

Besides, if perfect sanity was a requirement for breeding, their entire species would’ve died out ages ago.

”Do you want me to make the appointment or would you want to call the doctor yourself?” Castiel asked softly.

”Um. I’ll call him, yeah, but I’d want you to come with me.”

Castiel pecked a kiss on Dean’s forehead. ”You know I will.”

”Good. Now, let me go, I’m icky.”

”You are not icky, you are gorgeous,” Castiel said somberly.

Dean rolled his eyes. ”Yeah, okay. But I’m still gonna shower.”

 

**********

 

”How did you know it was Dean?”

”Hmm?” Castiel asked, glancing up from his manuscript. He hadn’t been reading, just staring at the page, the conversation about the removal of Dean’s contraceptive implant fresh in his mind.

”I asked: how did you know it was Dean? Was it the scent? Or his looks? Or what?”

Sam was sitting opposite him, on the sofa. He had a book on his lap, but he wasn’t reading it. Instead, he was staring at Castiel, but dropped his eyes on his book as soon as Castiel met his eyes.

”Why are you asking?”

Sam shrugged awkwardly, but his cheeks grew a little rosy.

 _Ah, that kind of a question._ Castiel lowered his manuscript and leaned back on his armchair.

”The first thing I noticed was the scent, yes, but I think it was just… everything. His looks, his wit, his personality…” Castiel shrugged, a little helpless. ”I can’t really explain it.”

”Did you ever think it was just biology? Your pheromones and secondary genders pushing you to it?”

Castiel furrowed his brow. Behind his genuine curiosity, something about Sam’s tone was tense.

”Initially, yes,” he said carefully. ”I didn’t interact with people that much back then, and it’s possible that meeting a young, fertile omega barely out of his heat might have kicked my physiology into overdrive. I hadn’t really been with anyone since Balthazar, and, honestly I thought I had already entered andropause. Meeting Dean proved that wrong quite quickly,” he said dryly. ”But was it only our alpha and omega sides? I don’t think so. It took Dean almost a year to court me, which is quite a long time for someone like Dean.”

”Someone like Dean?”

”A young and gorgeous omega,” Castiel smiled.

”Oh.”

There was a moment of silence, while Sam mulled things over. Castiel cocked his head and waited, giving Sam some time before continuing.

”That was the reason I ran — because I was afraid it was only biology. I was sure he would be better off with someone near his own age. In fact, at the time, I was pretty sure Dean would choose Michael, the Milton’s alpha firstborn.”

He smiled ruefully at Sam’s slightly shocked look. ”Yes, well, Dean played my alpha brain quite effectively there: I could say that my alpha took over.”

”Trust Dean to play dirty,” Sam snorted.

Castiel grinned back, then sobered. ”Anyway. Biology plays a big role in alpha/omega relations, but it doesn’t define who we are. Biologically, Dean and I are highly compatible, but that tells us nothing about our personalities. We could’ve just as well been intensely attracted to each other, but hated each other’s guts at the same time. It’s rare, but not unheard of. Of course, our bond makes it more difficult to actually hide from each other, but it doesn’t make us the ’true mates’ of the romance books Dean denies reading either.

”Our biology doesn’t erase our personal issues. Me being insanely attracted to your brother didn’t mean I wasn’t terrified of the whole situation at the same time. We come from two completely different generations. After all, I’m 25 years older than him. And I was afraid that I was a father figure to him; that Dean was using me merely as a test dummy, while I was rapidly falling in love with him.”

Sam rolled his eyes. ”You’re nothing like our dad.”

”I know that,” Castiel chided gently. ”But me being a father figure would also mean Dean was attracted to an older, secure and understanding alpha.” _Everything your dad was not_ , he continued inside his head, but from Sam’s nod he knew the younger alpha was thinking along the same path.

”So, what convinced you?”

”Time,” Castiel shrugged. ”And Dean, eventually.”

Sam nodded again and sat still for a while, staring at his hands.

”So, who is he?” Castiel asked a moment later.

Sam jerked his head up. ”How —?”

”Sam, you wanted to know my opinion about the hormonal input of an alpha/omega attraction and if I think mine and Dean’s relationship exists solely because of it,” he said gently. ”If this was about a girl, you wouldn’t have asked.”

Sam slumped slightly and gave him a sheepish smile. ”Oh. Right. I should’ve gone with the classic ’So my friend has this thing’ version.” He dropped his eyes at his hands again and chewed his lip.

Castiel waited patiently, knowing that Sam wanted to mull things over and think carefully of how to voice his thoughts.

”He’s in my science study group,” Sam finally said. ”He’s a year younger than me, but so much ahead of me in _everything_. He’s a genius, honestly.”

Sam’s eyes had lit up, and Castiel repressed a smile.

”But?” He asked, sensing there was one.

”I didn’t know he was an omega until he had to go through his annual mandatory heat. There are no other omegas in our class, and, besides Dean, I’ve never met anyone right after their heat. And —” Sam huffed in frustration. ”Now it’s like he’s inside my head, and I don’t know what to do!”

”When did this happen?”

”A couple of weeks ago.”

Castiel gave a non-committal sound. ”And that’s when you started to feel jittery about your study group.” It wasn’t a question. Despite his and Dean’s conflict, he had noticed Sam’s odd behavior.

”Yeah.”

Castiel cocked his head slightly and gave Sam an assessing stare. ”Why? I can’t honestly believe you’re afraid you’d jump on him.”

Sam shrugged. ”I — don’t know. I really don’t. How am I supposed to fight it?”

”Do you need to?”

”It feels like I have to.”

”Fighting is quite a strong word for a mere hormonal attraction,” Castiel said tentatively. ”Tell me, Sam, how did you feel about him _before_ you knew he was an omega?”

Sam rubbed his face and leaned his back on the sofa. ”He transferred from another school this fall. He’s the only pup in his family, and his mom is a widow who’s dedicated her whole life to him. I think he’s sometimes a bit miffed about it. He’s insanely smart, sweeping high grades from pretty much everything. He even plays cello! Although I’m not sure when he has the time to have any fun, but it’s not really any of my business, is it?

”He’s got a really weird sense of humor, and sometimes it’s hard to decipher if he’s being serious or joking. His eyes are huge and his smile is wide, and his nose crinkles when he laughs, and — why are you smiling at me?”

Castiel’s smile had grown in time with Sam’s relaxing frame and he did nothing to hide it.

”And how do you feel now that you know?”

Sam blushed. ”I want to be near him, _all the time_. I want to keep him safe. It’s ridiculous, really, because he’s tiny, but he’s also tough. But I can’t help it.” Sam’s voice turned into a frustrated growl in the end.

”Sounds like you liked him even before you knew about his secondary gender,” Castiel offered gently.

”Yeah. I guess,” Sam muttered glumly.

Castiel looked at the young alpha in front of him. At times, Sam was so smart and mature that it was easy to forget he was only sixteen. But now, as he sat in a miserable hormonal heap, he was just like any other high schooler.

”How about him?”

”What?”

”Is there anything about his behavior that’s different, compared to before his heat?” Castiel asked patiently.

Sam frowned. ”I’m not sure,” he said slowly. ”He sits beside me now. He didn’t do that earlier.”

Castiel nodded thoughtfully. ”It _might_ be a tell. Although I’m not sure I’m the one you should be talking to about his behavior. You should ask Dean.”

Sam buried his head in his hands and groaned. ”I was afraid you’d say that. He’s never going to let me live this down, you know?”

”Well, you really don’t have much choice about the matter, do you? He is the only omega in the house, after all.”

Sam flopped back onto the sofa. ”I hate my life,” he grumbled petulantly.

”Now you sound like a normal teenager,” Castiel deadpanned and resumed his pretense of reading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's comments about his headspace are from [these two pictures](http://shipperslist.tumblr.com/post/131752877935). Obviously, they're not mine, but they're all too familiar to me.


	6. Chapter 6

If there was a time when Dean _really_ missed his mom, it was around Thanksgiving. Cas was an awesome cook, but he wasn’t Mom, and, try as he might, his alpha could never replicate the feeling of Mom’s Thanksgiving. Not that Dean even wanted him to. Their first and last Thanksgiving as the Winchester family had been both pretty awesome and horrible, because of, well, _family_.

They hadn’t really celebrated Thanksgiving after moving in with Cas. Sure, they had had turkey and pie (never going to miss a chance for pie!), but that had been it. Over the years, Sam had grown more and more opinionated about the whole celebration, declaring it was a perverse thing to be thankful for. In his opinion, ’Thanksgiving’ should be replaced with ’The National Day of Atonement’ to acknowledge the genocide of the Native Americans.

Last year, Cas had cocked his head and drawn Sam into an elaborate discussion of ethics, human rights and shit. Dean had just rolled his eyes and stuffed his mouth full of turkey right in front of his brother.

But now Dean wondered if they should have a proper Thanksgiving this year. They had each other, Dean had Cas and some great friends, and Sam was doing fucking amazing in school. They had a lot to be thankful for, right?

”Hey Cas?” He asked, lowering his pen onto the kitchen table.

”Yes?” Cas didn’t turn around from the stove. It was Saturday and he was making a giant batch of Swedish meatballs to freeze, making the kitchen smell heavenly.

”Would you wanna have a proper Thanksgiving this year?”

”What do you mean by proper?”

Dean shrugged. ”Food, friends, good times… that sort of thing.”

Cas cocked his head in consideration. ”That would be nice. Who do you think we should invite?”

”Um. Benny? His folks are out of town and he would be alone. I know he doesn’t mind, but I do.”

Cas nodded at the meatballs. ”Sure. I think Sam might want to invite someone too.”

Dean’s eyes widened. ”What? Sammy has someone? The little fucker hasn’t told me anything!”

Cas made that funny gesture with his head, swaying it slightly from one side to another, a tell for being embarrassed.

Dean narrowed his eyes. ”Does Sammy have the hots for someone? I haven’t been informed.”

”I’m sure he meant to talk to you, but he thought you would tease him about it.”

Dean gave an undignified snort. ”Fuck yeah, I’ll tease him about it. It’s my duty as the big brother. Did he tell you who it was? A girl? A guy?”

When Cas tensed slightly, Dean let out a slow breath. ”Sonovabitch. It’s an omega, isn’t it? Well, fuck.”

”I can’t —”

”Yeah, yeah. I know. Never mind, I’ll talk to him.” Dean said absently and drummed his pen on his book.

Cas continued his cooking, while Dean chewed his lip, gathering his courage. After a long, nervous moment, he swallowed. ”You can invite… Balthazar, if you want to,” he finally said quietly to the pen.

Cas froze, and then slowly, very meticulously moved the meatballs around on the pan.

”I don’t have to,” he said.

”Yeah, I know,” Dean mumbled. ”But he’s the only one who knows you from way back. And, it’s not like he’s gonna try anything, right? It’s just — I dunno. Your call.”

”Okay. I’ll ask him. And Dean? No matter how he answers, I admire your courage. If I were in your shoes, I’m not that sure I could do that.”

Dean shrugged, a little uncomfortable. ”Not sure if it’s courage or stupidity,” he muttered.

Thing was, he _didn’t_ know.

At some level, he understood that, besides him and Sam, Cas needed someone else in his life. In a way, Balthazar was a perfect candidate as a friend: he knew Cas from years back and Cas was comfortable around him. On the other hand, that was exactly what worried Dean so fucking much. No matter that Cas had gone into shock when he had thought Dean had left him, Dean still felt wary about Balthazar.

But perhaps Thanksgiving dinner would help to ease his fears? At least Dean would have the chance to entertain his masochistic tendencies.

And, holy fuck — Sam had a thing for an omega? Considering how much Sam seemed to detest alpha/omega gender dynamics in general, it was no wonder he’d been edgy lately.

Dean smirked. This was going to be so much fun.

 

* * *

 

”Soooo…” Dean said, leaning on the doorframe, leering down at his brother.

Sam was sprawled on his bed, several books open around him. His notebook was suspiciously empty of notes and filled with doodles of… hearts? Boy, Sammy had it bad.

”Dean!” Sam squealed and hastily slammed his notebook shut.

Dean grinned at his brother’s blushed cheeks and darting eyes. ”Who’s the lucky bitch?”

Sam’s eyes flashed. ”Kevin’s not a b —” he snapped hotly, before he realized he had just outed himself. ”I hate you,” he muttered and buried his face in his hands.

”No you don’t,” Dean quipped and slumped down on Sam’s bed. ”Spill,” he said and poked Sam in his ribs.

Sam gathered his frame into a surprisingly small bundle and wrapped his arms around his knees. He picked at a thread from his jeans, glaring at it like it had offended him somehow.

”I don’t like this,” he finally said quietly.

”Like what,” Dean prompted gently, when Sam didn’t continue right away.

”This… this whole alpha/omega thing,” Sam said and waved his hand to elaborate. ”I don’t like the idea of us — me — being so vulnerable to our biology.”

Dean pursed his lips and hummed. ”I read from somewhere that, for betas, falling in love is chemistry. They don’t have the same fuck-or-die pheromones like us, but their brains deal with chemicals just as well.” Dean blinked at Sam’s open-mouthed stare. ”What? I read,” he said defensively.

Sam made a face. ”Okay. I’m not sure if that’s encouraging or just plain depressing.”

”Me actually reading something? Thanks,” Dean said dryly.

Sam rolled his eyes. ”No, jerk. That whole love-is-just-chemicals thing.”

”I dunno,” Dean shrugged. ”I figure that if we’re broken down into small enough pieces, we’re all just chemistry? Majority of our actions are plain reactions to different things we understand fuck about,” he mused, quoting an article he had read a while back.

Then he made the mistake of glancing at Sam again and faced a blank, shocked look.

”Would you please stop looking at me like that?” Dean snapped, a bit more sharply than necessary.

Fuck but he hated it when Sam of all people looked at him like he was some freak, just because he said something smart.

Sam snapped his mouth shut and blinked several times. ”Sorry. You know, I’ve never thought about it like that,” he said slowly. ”It makes so much sense.”

”Glad I could help,” Dean quipped. After taking a deliberate breath he asked, more calmly, ”So, who’s Kevin?”

Sam flushed a little and dropped his gaze back to the offending thread sticking out of his jeans. He picked at it for a moment, then lifted his eyes.

”What’s it like, being an omega?”

Dean opened his mouth just to close it again, because that? That was _so_ not the question he had expected. He frowned. ”I don’t know. It’s not like I have comparative notes on being something else, you know?”

Sam winced and shook his head a little. ”Yeah, but… Don’t you remember what it was like, before you presented? Didn’t you think you were going to be an alpha?”

”Umm… yeah. I guess? At least Dad always thought I was gonna be an alpha. But I’m not sure if Dad’s anything you should be using as the reference about gender issues, ’cause he had a fuckton of them.”

Sam huffed his affirmation.

They sat side by side for a moment. Dean didn’t push, because Sam needed time to think things through and voice them at his own pace.

”Doesn’t it ever bother you, to be so vulnerable?” Sam finally asked. ”I mean, you can feel each other through the bond, and that thing that happened to Cas… dude, that was scary!”

Dean didn’t argue — it _had_ been scary as fuck. But that’s not all there was. He frowned, wondering how to phrase what Cas and their bond meant to him.

”I think love as a concept is scary,” he said hesitantly. ”Just the idea of having someone who knows you inside out and still believes in you no matter what, that’s fucking scary. Love makes you vulnerable, regardless of your secondary gender. Because, in spite of mating and shit, it still is about choice. And that’s the scariest part of all.” Dean shook his head. He had no idea what he was trying to explain.

Sam nodded, as if Dean was making some sense. Then he cocked his head. ”How did you know it was Cas?”

Dean grinned. ”First, it was all about the scent. It was fucking amazing. Then it was just _him_ , you know? Cas was so gentle, careful, and understanding. And he was ready to —”

Dean stopped, a revelation blooming inside him.

Fuck.

He had totally forgotten all about Michael! He had teased Cas, played his jealousy, and coaxed him to reveal his possessiveness, and not even once had he thought about how he had made Cas feel.

In short: Dean had been a dick.

Perhaps he had deserved the whole Balthazar thing.

”Dean?” Sam looked at him, a little concerned.

Dean shook his head with a short, jerky moves. ”Nothing. Just remembered something important. Anyway. Yeah.” He shrugged. ”I can’t explain it, really. It’s just _Cas._ ”

”Do you think you might have fallen in love with him even without the scent?”

”I think so, yeah,” Dean answered slowly. ”I mean, the scent was what drew me in in the first place, but later, it wasn’t about that. We were neighbors and bound to meet and interact anyway.”

Sam nodded again, but didn’t say anything. Dean was getting a bit fidgety, and he would’ve liked to get out of there, thank you very much, but he quelled his need to bounce. This was about Sam, after all.

”He’s one year my junior,” Sam finally said quietly. ”He’s smarter than me, intelligent, funny and insanely ambitious about his studies.”

”And he’s an omega.” It wasn’t a question.

”And he’s an omega,” Sam confirmed anyway. ”His mom has him on full suppressants, and I didn’t know about his secondary gender until he had to take the mandatory annual break. He transferred this fall,” Sam added at Dean’s frown.

”Oh. Right.”

”And now… I don’t know what to do!”

Dean watched his little brother for a moment. ”What makes you think you need to do something?”

Sam huffed in frustration. ”’Cause all I can think about is him! I want to be near him, to protect him, to make him feel safe. He’s just so damn tiny, Dean. And I hate this. I hate that my alpha brain tries to take over and jump on him, like I was some wild animal or something.”

”Have you talked to Cas about this?”

”Yeah.”

”And?” Dean prompted.

”He directed the questions to you.”

”Well, nice,” Dean said dryly. ”I didn’t know I was the relationship expert here.”

Sam rolled his eyes. ”No, jerk. He told me to ask you about the omega things.”

”What things?”

Sam directed his gaze at the tear in his jeans again. ”There are things omegas do if they are… you know…” He blushed bright red and trailed off.

Dean suppressed a grin. He was a big brother, yeah, but it didn’t mean he was a complete asshole. ”So you wanna know if he’s interested?” He asked, keeping his voice mild.

Sam nodded at his jeans, but gave Dean a quick, hopeful glance.

Dean raked his hand through his hair. ”Okay. So, your behavior, and most likely your scent too, changed after you found out his gender. What about him? Has there been any changes? In his behavior, in his scent, in anything?”

”He sits next to me, now. He didn’t do it before his heat.”

”Anything else?”

Sam shrugged. ”I don’t know?”

”Real smooth, Romeo,” Dean huffed a laugh.

”Fuck you, Dean. Not helpful,” Sam muttered. ”Shouldn’t you know these things?”

It was Dean’s turn to shrug. ”I didn’t get much practice before I met Cas. And he was so oblivious and stubborn that I had to be about as subtle as a rock to get my intentions through.”

Sam snorted.

”But, yeah. Anyway, ” Dean continued. ”Sitting next to you might be a tell, but it might also be just about convenience. Are there other alphas in your group?”

”Three.”

”And he chooses to sit next to you. Okay. Um. Does he lower his voice when he speaks to you? Does he turn his body slightly towards you to block others out? Does he seek your opinion more than others’?” Dean paused for a moment and gave Sam an assessing look. ”Has he ever bared his neck to you?”

Sam’s eyes widened.

Dean sighed. ”Okay. If he’s done that, he’s also being as subtle as a rock. Also, you’re an idiot.”

”I —” Sam blinked furiously. ”He didn’t — _Shit,”_ he said with a feeling. ”He was making notes, sitting next to me, and then he leaned his head on his fist.”

”Was it an unconscious move or a slow, deliberate one with a definite tilt of his head?”

Sam’s bewildered stare was enough of an answer.

Dean nodded and smirked. ”There you go, Sammy boy. I’d say he’s interested.”

”Fuck,” Sam breathed.

”Perhaps not yet? Although… pot — kettle, and all that jazz,” Dean mused.

”What? No, eww,” Sam made a face.

Dean didn’t point out that his blush was pretty damn obvious. Instead, he stood up and slapped Sam once on the shoulder as a brotherly encouragement.

”Invite him over for Thanksgiving. I wanna meet the guy who has my Sammy blushing like a girl.”

”Fuck you,” Sam huffed and hit him in a head with a dirty sock.

 

* * *

 

It was the day before Thanksgiving, and one could say that Cas had really gone overboard with the food. It was like he’d taken Wikipedia literally and decided to cook _everything._ There was roasted turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, dressing, cranberry sauce (freshly made with whole berries), cookies, gravy, and both pecan _and_ pumpkin pies.

Dean thought he might have died and gone to Heaven.

Sam was all stuffy and judgmental about the whole Thanksgiving concept, huffing and puffing with the full indignation a righteous teenager could muster. Cas had tried to offer that they could just have a good time without all the traditional thanking of God, but he hadn’t really convinced Sam.

”Yeah, well, I’m not buying that,” Sam grumbled. ”Our ancestors basically stole land from the natives and deliberately gave them smallpox. Some real awesome Thanksgiving there.”

”Yeah, okay.” Dean rolled his eyes. ”I’m just happy that there’s no school and I can eat until I feel sick.”

Sam let out an undignified noise. ”And how’s that different from our daily lives?”

”I go to school,” Dean gave Sam a finger.

”Barely,” Sam deadpanned, and Dean pushed him off the couch. Cas sighed and kept on stirring the cranberry sauce.

After much deliberation and negotiation, Cas had agreed to invite Balthazar, and even though the idea was originally Dean’s, he was jittery about it. He was eternally grateful that Benny would be there to give him some moral support and act as a buffer between Balthazar and Dean, if necessary. Benny was just as unimpressed about Balthazar’s guile as he was about everybody else’s, and the fact that the older omega was a teacher didn’t faze him at all.

Nevertheless, Benny had asked Dean if he was batshit insane, inviting Balthazar, of all people. Dean had explained that he had only given his permission, and the actual invitation had come from Cas.

Benny had shook his head and sighed. ”Well, at least you can’t be blamed for being a coward. Yeah, I’ll be there, brother. I just hope this won’t backfire on you.”

Dean had winced. ”Uh… considering what happened, I don’t think this could actually be any worse.”

Benny had nodded. ”True.”

What had come as a surprise was the fact that Kevin was coming. Dean wasn’t familiar with the guy at all, and, considering what little he had learned from Sam, Dean wouldn’t have thought the over-ambitious single mom would let her only son spend his Thanksgiving with practical strangers. But Sam had said that Kevin’s mom was heading out of town on a business trip, and had been more than happy to have Kevin at some secure place to spend his holidays at. Also, the fact that Sam was in his study group and two members of the dinner party were teachers might have helped.

Apparently the mom was going to attend the dinner, though.

So. Anyway. There was going to be three omegas and three alphas around the dinner table. Only time would tell if they would have a good time or a need for an ambulance.

 

* * *

 

The next morning Dean woke up with a start, not really knowing why he was so jumpy. Cas was still asleep, and glancing at the clock, Dean thought that at 6:30am, he really should be too. Due to nature’s call, he took a quick trip to the bathroom and stalked back to bed. Cas was warm, solid, and in deep sleep, and Dean was able to wriggle himself into a whole-body contact with his alpha without Cas waking up. His mate scrunched his nose, smacked his lips together, sighed, and turned to his back. Dean let him go and was about to lay down to nap with his cheek against Cas's bare chest, when he noticed the tent in Cas’s pajama pants.

Well.

Grinning dirtily, Dean slowly and carefully peeled Cas’s pants down to free his morning wood. It was such a nice cock, really. Dean adored it from the tip to the root, from the sensitive glans to the knot that filled him up so perfectly. It was just plain perfect, and he had told Cas that, repeatedly. It never ceased to amuse him how his mate flushed deep red at the compliment, although Dean well knew that Cas’s alpha side practically purred at the praise.

Dean stroked himself lazily while staring at Cas’s cock. He thought briefly giving Cas a nice slow blowjob, but abandoned the idea almost instantly. He wanted Cas to knot him, to come inside him and claim him before the dinner, and he didn’t give a fuck if he was being petty.

Besides, he wanted to claim Cas back.

The thought of Cas’s knot filled Dean’s cock and had him soon dripping slick. Along the years, his body had matured and grown accustomed to Cas’s girth, making their sex life significantly more pleasant. Nevertheless, proper prepping never hurt, because, as much as Dean loved a good stretch, he wasn’t exactly fond of pain. So stroking himself lazily, he stretched himself with practiced ease, before gathering some of his slick to lube Cas up. The alpha shivered at the sensation, but didn’t stir. Smirking, Dean moved to straddle him and lowered himself slowly on his alpha’s cock, letting gravity do most of the work.

When Cas was completely buried inside him, Dean paused to let his breathing even out. Cas was hot and wide, and it burned and stretched, but it was so good, so _so_ good, and he bit his lip to stifle a groan to avoid waking Cas up. Dean started to move slowly, gyrating his hips in languid moves, opting for drawing it out rather than seeking a fast relief.

As soon as Dean had started to move, Cas started to stir. Rocking slowly back and forth, Dean watched with a small smile as the familiar flush crept from Cas’s cheeks down to his throat and chest.

Then Cas gasped and his eyes flew wide open.

_”D— Dean!”_

”Good morning, alpha,” Dean purred and picked up his pace.

Cas blinked in confusion, but he was unable to do more than go with the ride. Cas grabbed a hold of Dean’s hips and stared him in the eye, as Dean started to fist himself, soon coming in splatters all over Cas’s chest, slumping on top of his alpha. Cas gripped his hips and thrusted at a near frantic pace, before his knot swelled, locking them together. The alpha convulsed as he came, gasping Dean’s name.

”Well, that was a nice way to wake up,” Cas murmured, after they had both caught their breaths.

”I was only expressing my gratitude. You know, Thanksgiving and all,” Dean answered flippantly, nonchalantly massaging his come on Cas’s abdomen and chest, hoping that Cas was too blissed out to realize the meaning of the gesture.

However, he was a realist: Cas probably knew _exactly_ what Dean was doing.

 

* * *

 

The first to arrive was Benny. Thank God, pun intended.

Cas was in the kitchen fussing over the dinner (like Dean said), or preventing Dean from eating the pie (like Cas deadpanned). Sam was flailing around in his room, flustered about Kevin’s sleepover, and Dean… well, Dean was practically climbing the walls. Having Benny there to literally hold him down was a relief. He brought Cluedo and Carcassonne (as per Dean’s request), and set teaching Dean the rules of the German board game as they waited the other guests to arrive.

When the doorbell rang, Dean absolutely didn’t let out a small squeak. He jumped up to turn nervously towards the door, but Sam beat him to it. A little deflated, Dean flopped back onto the couch, blinking at his flushed little brother. Sam wiped his hands nervously on his jeans before opening the door.

”Um, hi Kevin, Mrs. Tran. Please, come in.” Sam stood politely by the door and gestured the guests inside.

Dean peeked curiously from the safety of the couch and saw a small Asian woman herding in an equally small kid with a black mop of a hair and ridiculously big eyes.

So. That was Kevin. Kinda cute.

With a shake of his head, Dean remembered he was supposed to play the host, and he got up to introduce himself, Benny, and Cas, who peeked out from the kitchen. Mrs. Tran didn’t look especially taken with the three alphas, but after Cas had explained how Benny had escorted a full-in-heat Dean home without any problems, the lady relaxed. Sam took the Trans upstairs, and Dean heard him pointedly explaining about the sleeping arrangements (Sam would take the couch in the living room) and showing them the recently installed lock in Sam’s door. Mrs. Tran looked a lot more relaxed when she came down.

Kevin was a bit nervous, which was understandable. Dean would’ve been nervous as well. They started to chit chat about mundane things like school and the upcoming Christmas break, Mrs. Tran leading the conversation with ease. Then the doorbell rang again, and Dean really, _really_ didn’t jump. He gritted his teeth and got up, and when he glanced at the kitchen, he saw Cas’s concerned eyes. Dean sort of shook himself, nodded, and went to open the door.

”Well, hello Dean. Happy Thanksgiving!” Balthazar wore a big smile as he shoved at Dean a bottle of wine, a package of pumpkin fudge (clearly a tip-off from Cas), and a stunning floral arrangement in a glass vase.

Dean gaped at it and nearly dropped the vase in his confusion.

Fortunately, Benny was _right there_ to catch it. ”Hello Mr. Roché,” the young alpha nodded with a grin that really wasn’t one.

Balthazar blinked, but his smile didn’t falter. ”Benny. Nice to see you. Happy Thanksgiving!” He singsonged and walked calmly to the living room.

Kevin’s jaw dropped as he saw the last guest. ”Mr. Roché?”

Balthazar blinked. ”Kevin? Fancy seeing you here.”

”What? How do you know Balthazar?” Dean frowned.

”He’s my French teacher.”

Sam blinked. ”But… Balthazar teaches at college.”

Kevin shrugged.

”Kevin’s in advanced placement. He’s also doing early college enrollment for college credit,” Mrs. Tran beamed.

There was a moment of awkward silence. Then Dean cleared his throat, excused himself, and fled into the kitchen.

”Are you okay?” Cas asked quietly.

Dean placed the flowers carefully at the center of the table and the wine and fudge on the counter, before he turned to face Cas. ”Yeah, I guess,” he said quietly.

Cas didn’t say anything, but stepped closer and hugged him for a moment. He nuzzled his nose into Dean’s neck and pressed there a soft but insistent kiss. It took Dean’s brain a moment to catch up that Cas was offering an affirmative scenting. Then he sighed contentedly and replicated the move on Cas’s neck.

”Thank you,” he whispered.

 

* * *

 

The dinner was mostly, well, not a success, but it also wasn’t too horrible.

Mrs. Tran raised her brows at the information of Cas being the cook instead of Dean, and then she pinched her lips together in a thin line when Cas poured Dean some wine. Fortunately, Balthazar kept Mrs. Tran preoccupied with his small talk, and Dean was able to concentrate on his food and chatting with Benny and Sam. Kevin was pretty much silent, sitting in between Sam and Balthazar, but he did answer some of Dean’s quips snarkily enough for Dean to decide he liked the kid.

They had reached dessert when the questions started.

”So,” Mrs. Tran cleared her throat. ”Why aren’t you mated, Mr. Roché?”

”Not really my thing, Linda,” Balthazar answered with a sharp smile. ”I had my chance when I was in my twenties, but I blew it. But trust me, it’s better this way — for everybody.”

”Really? I can’t imagine, what with such an intelligent and charming man as you are,” Mrs. Tran chided.

Dean gritted his teeth and violently stabbed his pie with his fork.

”I’m charming when I want to be, but I’d be a lousy mate. Some of us are not cut out like that. I would’ve made his life miserable and prevented him from meeting his true mate.”

”Why, Mr. Roché. ’True mate?’ Are you secretly a romantic at heart?”

Balthazar winked. ”Sweetheart, I’m French.”

Safely behind Balthazar’s back, Kevin made a gagging gesture that earned him a snort from Benny. Dean frowned and blinked, trying to digest what had just been said.

Under the table, Cas moved his leg to lean against Dean’s in a gesture of silent support.

Then Mrs. Tran narrowed her eyes, her stare darting between Cas and Dean. ”When are you going to have pups?”

The question came out of nowhere, and Dean nearly choked on his pie. Cas offered him a glass of water and calmly answered, ”When we are ready.”

Mrs. Tran tutted. ”You shouldn’t waste your time. You are mated and stable, you really should start soon.”

 _”MOM!”_ Kevin hissed, red with embarrassment.

Mrs. Tran rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to Balthazar. Dean noticed that the older omega’s smile was turning slightly forced.

”Don’t look at me, Linda,” Balthazar shook his head. ”I’m not exactly parent material.”

Mrs. Tran smacked her lips and gave Balthazar a condescending smile. ”I’m sure that’s not true. As soon as you hold —”

”I’ve had three abortions,” Balthazar interrupted calmly.

Mrs. Tran froze mid-sentence and stared. She closed her mouth, blinked, opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again.

”I thought that was illegal,” Benny mused with mild curiosity.

”Not in Europe, it isn’t,” Balthazar said airily. ”More pie, anyone?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Balty's Thanksgiving flowers were something like [this](http://cdn.decoist.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Modern-Thanksgiving-floral-arrangement.jpg).
> 
> Because people have expressed their concern about it: no, none of the three aborted fetuses was Cas's pup.
> 
> Happy New Year!


	7. Chapter 7

Castiel gathered the plates away and loaded the dishwasher. The dinner had been mostly pleasant, or perhaps not-a-catastrophe, and watching Mrs. Tran’s reaction to Balthazar’s revelation had been most entertaining. She had probably (hopefully) meant well, but her overbearing manner and invasive questions had started to grate on Castiel’s nerves. And he hadn’t been the only one: Dean had nearly scraped a hole in his plate, and even Benny’s eyes had started to look a little narrowed.

Fortunately, Mrs. Tran had left after dinner, and the significant lowering of tension hadn’t gone unnoticed by anyone.

As he rinsed the tableware, Castiel had to admit that Balthazar’s admission had shaken him. In general, voicing the wish to have pups was encouraged, and it was still an underlying assumption that all omegas wanted to breed. The OIAA had done a tremendous amount of work, emancipating the omegas and giving them the power to decide for their own bodies. Nevertheless, abortion was illegal in the US. Castiel thought it was rather hypocritical, really: contraception was approved and even encouraged, but obviously the thought of removing an embryo was too much.

Fertility issues in general were a sore point in the US. Nobody really knew why female fertility had been plummeting for a couple of decades already, although the situation naturally called out all paranoid conspiracy freaks out of their hidey-holes. Over the years, there had been occasional encouraging news about new, experimental drugs, but they had never paid off the promises they had made. Because of that, there was pressure put on omegas, and, in some more backward circles, there had even been demands about making omega breeding clausal to ensure the population of the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. The mere idea of forcing omegas to breed no matter what left Castiel reeling with nausea.

But still, thinking about a pup of their own… Castiel couldn’t deny the little thrill that went through him.

After their mating, he and Dean had decided to let Dean’s body mature at its own pace before they would even start trying. The contraceptive implant had been the sensible choice, since it only prevented Dean from getting pregnant, but didn’t interfere with his regular heat cycle.

Dean’s schooling was a thing Castiel had been (and still was) adamant about, but with his mate’s difficulties with choosing a major, the alpha might have to revise his opinion. Nevertheless, Dean’s wish to remove the implant had come out of the blue, and Castiel was still flummoxed about the whole thing.

He heard footsteps from behind him, and turned around to see Balthazar.

”So,” the older omega said, leaning onto the kitchen doorframe. ”You two worked it out. I’m glad.”

Despite his trademark smirk, Balthazar’s tone was genuine, and Castiel felt suddenly happy he had invited Balthazar.

”Thank you,” Castiel answered contentedly. ”We did.”

He started the dishwasher, rinsed the wine glasses and put a foil over the pies. His precaution would probably mean nothing, since Dean would sneak into the kitchen in the night to eat more pie anyway. Because, pie.

Balthazar cleared his throat a little. ”Do you think Dean would bite my head off if I went to talk with him?”

Castiel turned slowly to take a long look at his ex. ”Why would you want to talk to him?”

”No reason,” Balthazar said airily.

Castiel wasn’t exactly comforted. ”Please, don’t pick a fight with him.”

”Cassie, I’m wounded!” Balthazar placed a hand dramatically over his heart. ”Who do you think I am?”

Castiel give him a flat stare. ”I know exactly who you are.”

”Perhaps,” Balthazar shrugged. ”But I’d still like to talk to Dean, if it’s okay with you.”

”I’m not exactly enthusiastic about the idea, but the decision isn’t mine. Thank you for asking, anyway. Go ahead — as long as you remember the circumstances.”

”Please,” Balthazar snorted and nodded pointedly at Castiel’s chest. ”I’m very much aware of the circumstances, thank you. Scent marking wasn’t enough for you two?”

”With you coming over? No,” Castiel answered bluntly.

He turned to finish up cleaning the kitchen to avoid scratching Dean’s dried come on his chest. He felt a little icky, not because he was against being covered in his mate’s scent, butbecause crusted semen didn’t feel exactly comfortable. But he also recognized Dean’s need to mark him and have Castiel knot him. His mate had already agreed to have a what he considered a rival omega in his house, and for that, parading around with semen rubbed on his skin was a small price for Castiel to pay.

The alpha was just glad that Mrs. Tran didn’t have as keen a sense of smell as the rest of the party. If the dinner discussion had been anything to go by, she wasn’t exactly careful with her opinions. Having her commenting on his and Dean’s sex life might have been just a tad too much.

Balthazar gave him a rueful smirk. ”I guess I’ve earned every single jab in my direction. And actually, that’s something I wanted to talk to Dean about.”

Castiel shook his head. ”It’s your funeral.”

Balthazar merely raised his glass at him, drained his leftover wine, and sauntered over Dean.

Castiel paused his cleaning for a moment and assessed the two omegas in case he needed to interfere.

Legally, Balthazar was on very thin ice, but considering everything that had happened, Castiel wanted to play safe. He wanted to make sure _neither_ omega got hurt. From the corner of his eye, he noticed Benny drifting casually closer, maintaining a charade of distance, but getting near enough to interfere, if need arose.

Dean stiffened when Balthazar approached him, his whole stance on edge. Balthazar walked slowly, hands on his side, and a hint of submission in his head tilt. Benny inched to stand nearer to Dean, and, as Balthazar made his way to Dean’s other side, there was a clear line of sight between Castiel and his omega.

_Well played, Balty,_ Castiel nodded at himself, relaxing a fraction.

He didn’t hear what the two of them were talking about, but he kept a sharp eye on Dean’s body language that went from stiff to borderline aggressive to surprised and suspicious. The conversation didn’t take long and Balthazar did the most of the talking. When Balthazar left to have smoke, Dean was left standing with a slightly bewildered look in his eyes.

Castiel made a beeline to him.

”Everything alright?” He asked softly, standing right in front of Dean and blocking everyone else from sight.

Dean blinked, obviously confused. ”You know, it’s possible that he’s not a total dick,” he said. He didn’t offer a longer explanation, and Castiel didn’t ask. Instead, he gave Dean a kiss.

”I’m inclined to second that opinion,” he said with a small smile.

The rest of the evening went uneventfully. They played Cluedo (where Dean banned Kevin and Sam from never teaming up again, ever), cards, and Carcassonne, which turned out to be the absolute favorite of them all. Castiel made a mental note to buy the game as a joint Christmas gift for the whole family.

After they had eaten a bit more, Sam and Benny ended up having a heated conversation about environmentally sustainable substitutes for oil with Dean laying on his back on the sofa and snarking at them both in between throwing small paper balls at their heads.

Kevin had wandered off to the bookcase and was absorbed in Castiel’s more eccentric reference books.

Castiel walked to him and cleared his throat to announce his presence. ”You can borrow them if you want,” he said as Kevin lifted his eyes to him.

The young omega blinked and smiled sheepishly. ”I’d love to, but I don’t think I have enough time to concentrate on them. Mom’s pretty strict about my studying schedule, and I’m almost as ambitious as she is.”

”Well, if you change your mind, let me know.”

”Thanks Mr. Novak, I will.”

Castiel huffed a small laugh. ”Please, call me Castiel. Mr. Novak makes me feel old.”

Kevin raised his brow and Castiel’s lip twitched a little. Right. Compared to a fifteen-year-old he _was_ old.

”I addressed you like I’d address any other dad of my friend.”

”Ah… well… I’m not Sam’s father. I’m his legal guardian and his brother’s mate. So, no need for formality here.”

Kevin blinked. ”Oh. Right. Sorry… Of course. It’s an automatic reaction to an older, father-figure alpha.”

Castiel winced.

”Um. I didn’t mean it like that,” Kevin stammered. ”I mean — _”_ Kevin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. ”Damn those elephant-strength suppressants, they fuck up my _everything,_ ” he muttered. ”Okay. Can we start over?”

Castiel nodded, bemused.

”Hi, I’m Kevin. Nice to meet you, Sam’s brother’s alpha.”

Castiel took the hand offered to him. ”Nice to meet you too, Kevin,” he grinned.

 

* * *

 

”So, the doc’s appointment is at noon the day after tomorrow,” Dean said quietly.

They were in bed, Dean a little spoon inside the circle of Castiel’s arms. It was two days after Thanksgiving, and they both were mildly surprised at having survived both the holidays and the epic pie hangover that followed. In fact, Dean had sworn he would never eat pie again.

Castiel hadn’t said anything, knowing that Dean would beg him to make pie for Christmas anyway.

”Okay,” Castiel said into Dean’s neck. ”Do you want me to stay at home with you or meet you there?”

Dean shrugged, but it was a bit forced, an obvious tell that Dean wanted him to stay at home, but was too embarrassed to ask.

”I’ll be here, then. I’ll inform my students in the morning.” Castiel pecked a soft kiss on the back of Dean’s neck and smiled when his mate relaxed in his arms.

Dean drifted off quite soon after, but Castiel was awake. His mind was whirling and he couldn’t fall asleep.

They were really going to do this: they were about to remove Dean’s contraceptive implant and try to get pregnant. Dean’s next heat was due in January, about in a month, and, if everything went smoothly, Dean could get pregnant right away. In which case they could be parents come next Thanksgiving.

It was a mind-boggling thought.

Years ago, when Balthazar had left, Castiel had abandoned all hope for a family of his own. He had never been attracted to females, and, because of the OIAA’s rejection letter, he had thought he had lost his only chance to ever have pups of his own. At the time it hadn’t been such a big deal, but the more time had passed, the more he had grown to resent that he hadn’t been given the chance to choose by himself.

And now he had been given a second chance, and, honestly? It scared the hell out of him.

He didn’t know anything about pups. He had never been around pups. He didn’t know anything about pregnancy or delivery either. Growing up in an emotionally repressed home and, after being described as standoffish and uptight for the majority of his adult life, Castielwas afraid what it would mean to his parenthood. But Dean wanted to have his pups, and, because he always tried to give Dean everything he wanted, Castiel would give him pups.

Or, perhaps only one to start with. Hopefully.

Ever so gently, Castiel rested his hand over Dean’s flat stomach. It felt so odd that there, inside his mate, was a cavern capable of cradling new life, to provide warmth, safety, and nourishment for it to grow into a full-term pup, ready to face this outside world. He tried to imagine how Dean’s belly would swell round and full, and how they could feel the pup kick and move. Try as he might, he couldn’t wrap his mind around it.

Amazing, yes.

Terrifying?

Absolutely.

 

* * *

 

The day of the doctor’s appointment dawned bright and crisp. The early December showed its best and brightest, but neither Castiel nor Dean noticed it. They sat silently on the back seat of a cab, holding each other’s hand tightly. They were both nervous, even though there really was nothing to be nervous about. The procedure was a simple one: the doctor would apply local anesthetic to Dean’s arm, remove the implant with a couple of clean incisions, and close the cuts with as small of stitches as possible. Nice and easy and over in a couple of minutes, the nurse had said to Dean on the phone.

The obstetrician, Dr. Shurley, was a very nice middle-aged omega, albeit he seemed, if possible, even more nervous than his patients. He didn’t exactly cut an efficient picture, but as soon as he set to work, his nervousness vanished, and his hands were steady and gentle. In under five minutes, the implant was removed and Dean’s arm was cleanly stitched and covered in gauze.

”Um… you should know that, after the removal, it usually takes one heat for the hormones to balance out.” Dr. Shurley’s eyes darted between them. ”So… What I mean is that… if you don’t get pregnant right away, it’s not… uncommon. So, give it time, okay?”

Castiel made a mental note to remember that. Dean just nodded mutely.

Dr. Shurley asked if there was something they wanted to know, but there wasn’t, and, after being handed several cheery pamphlets like _’Be Positive! — Trying To Conceive,’_ they headed back home.

The cab ride home was silent, but this time the nervousness was gone, replaced by a vague sense of ”What the hell just happened?” Once they were home, they stood for a moment in the living room, trying to come to terms with the life-changing decision they had just made.

Then Dean grinned.

”Wanna go practice?” He asked and waggled his brows.

They went. Practice makes perfect, after all.

 

* * *

 

Christmas was a slow event. Both Dean and Sam had stressed a lot about school and were happy to have a well-deserved break. They had decided to forego presents this year (like previous years), and they failed royally (like previous years). But the Carcassonne game had been a hit, just like Castiel had anticipated.

To the surprise of them all, they had guests.

A couple of days after Christmas, Benny and Kevin dropped in to bring presents (Castiel noticed Dean exiting the room to avoid laughing out loud at a flustered and blushing Sam), and even Balthazar managed a short visit on the pretense of bringing them gingerbread fudge and a bottle of European Glühwein. Dean took a small sip, made a face, confiscated the fudge, and retreated into the living room to entertain himself with ’The Raw Shark Texts,’ leaving Castiel and Balthazar in the kitchen together.

”Your Dean is quite something,” Balthazar said while sipping the wine.

Castiel gave a non-committal sound.

”So, are you going to start trying for pups now?”

Castiel had no idea how the two sentences were related, let alone how Balthazar knew they were trying. Balthazar rolled his eyes and pointed at the pamphlets on the table.

”If you don’t want your guests to know about your plans, my advice is not to leave those lying around. Might give people some ideas.”

”Oh. Right,” Castiel murmured.

It wasn’t like they wanted to keep everything secret, but Balthazar’s admission about his abortions had left Castiel feeling slightly stilted. Of course, it was none of his business, but now, when Dean and he wished for pups of their own and had taken the significant step to make it possible… Castiel couldn’t exactly look at Balthazar without his eyes flickering to his abdomen. He noticed Balthazar noticing, and averted his gaze in a hurry.

”Not that it’s any of your business, Cassie, but it really was the best thing to do,” Balthazar said quietly. ”I wasn’t joking when I said I wasn’t parent material. I don’t want pups, I never had. After the three unfortunate… incidents I made some _arrangements_ not to have to worry about it anymore.”

Castiel blinked, unsure what to do with the information. ”I’m sorry?” He offered hesitantly.

”Don’t be, because I’m not,” Balthazar said with a smile. ”But that’s enough about me. How about you? Ready to be a daddy?”

”God, no. I’m terrified.” Castiel shook his head and sat heavily on the chair. ”I have no experience with anything pup-related.”

”Everybody’s got to start from somewhere,” Balthazar said, but his eyes were serious. ”But that’s not really what’s bothering you, is it?”

Castiel sighed. Sometimes he forgot how well Balthazar had known — still knew — him. His childhood in an emotionally suppressed and authoritative home had been far from happy, and Balthazar had been the one to work through the walls Castiel had built around himself.

”No, it isn’t,” Castiel admitted quietly. ”I’m terrified that I’ll continue the cycle of emotional neglect. That I’ll be like my father.”

”You won’t,” Balthazar objected. ”You are mated to a brilliant young omega who adores you, you have a stable home, and a real family. You are not your father, Castiel, please remember that.” Balthazar squeezed his arm encouragingly and held his gaze for a good while.

Finally Castiel gave him a tentative smile and nodded. ”Thank you,” he said.

Balthazar shrugged. ”Anytime. Besides, you need someone to kick your ass when you start wallowing in your own insecurities. I’m sure you’ll make an excellent daddy.” He paused and made a face. ”In fact, I’m sure you’ll make a disgustingly perfect daddy, what with baby slings, attachment parenting, and all the hippy things possible.”

Despite himself, Castiel grinned.

 

* * *

 

When Dean’s heat hit, they were both slightly overwhelmed. Nothing was different as such, because Dean hadn’t been on suppressants since their mating, and the contraceptive implant hadn’t affected his heats at all. So there was no change in Dean’s scent, behavior or the way he descended into full heat.

Except _everything_ was different.

Dean in heat was always breathtaking, and this time was no exception. When his heat bloomed, Castiel found himself, once again, staring and holding his breath in wonder, scarcely believing this gorgeous creature was his and he was Dean’s.

In general, his mate was often bossy in bed, but during his heat, Dean was wanton and pliant, a moaning mess of lips and warm skin. This time, his allure was even more enhanced by the knowledge that they might create new life together.

It made everything so much _more_ that it was almost magical.

Because the first knotting always lasted longest, it had become a tradition for them to knot the way they had for the very first time: Dean on all fours with Castiel entering him from behind and lifting him to sit on his lap to push his knot inside the slick heat to complete the mating.

This time, when Castiel came, he growled and bit Dean in the neck, renewing his bondbite. The bite made Dean shudder and climax with a hoarse shout, his body arching like a bow. Castiel hadn’t bitten Dean in a long, long, time, but somehow it felt proper now. After their relationship crisis and the decision to start a family, they both needed the reaffirmation.

A fresh start.

After they had come down from their high, Castiel guided them to their sides to rest and wait for his knot to recede and Dean’s heat to spike again. He nuzzled Dean’s neck, pecked soft kisses on the renewed bondbite, and rubbed the soft skin of his abdomen. The alpha shivered a little at the thought of his come finding its way via his omega’s inner entrance to his womb to conceive an egg that would grow into a pup. It made him squeeze Dean’s abdomen a little harder as he came again, and when Dean took hold of his hand, twining their fingers together, Castiel knew he wasn’t the only one with his hopes up high.

The heat lasted for four days, and, when it was over, they were both sated to the bone, filthy, and weirdly giddy. Castiel guided Dean into the bathroom, washed him gently, worshiping his body from head to toe, while Dean was barely able to stay conscious leaning onto the wall with eyes half-mast and a gentle smile on his face.

Afterwards, the alpha dried his mate gently, wrapped him in fluffy towel and sat him down to wait while he changed the sheets. Then, he carried Dean to the bed, placed him on the fresh sheets, piled blankets over and around him as a nest, and went to get food to feed his omega.

Later they slept, wrapped up in each other’s arms, lulled to sleep by the deeply satisfied hum of their bond, eagerly waiting for the upcoming weeks of uncertainty.

 

* * *

 

Five weeks after his heat, Dean took a pregnancy test. They had purchased it together, spending ridiculous amount of time considering which brand to choose. Back at home, Dean was barely able to contain his nervousness when they read the instructions, and Castiel was almost sure he would have to actually help Dean to piss to the stick. Fortunately, his mate regained enough of his composure and managed to take care of it himself, placing the test by the sink afterwards.

”It says five minutes,” he said to Castiel, his voice slightly strangled.

Castiel nodded and checked the clock. They sat on the floor beside the bathroom door and waited. Dean was jittery and he clenched and unclenched his hands, and his leg bounced a little. Castiel held still, but he felt a nervous bubble somewhere inside himself.

When the time was up, Dean looked at Castiel. ”Could you…?”

”Of course,” Castiel said and squeezed Dean’s hand once before going to check the result.

The test was negative.

”I’m sorry,” Castiel said his heart breaking a little at Dean’s shuttered expression. ”But remember what Dr. Shurley said — it’s not uncommon not to get pregnant from the first heat after removing the implant.”

”Yeah,” Dean answered dully.

”We have time. Next time, your hormones will be balanced out.” Castiel offered Dean an encouraging smile, but it fell flat.

There was something stilted and odd in Dean’s expression, and Castiel wanted it gone. Dean seemed to take the negative result as a personal failure, and Castiel didn’t understand why. It had nothing to do with him.

”Yeah, okay,” Dean said again and got stiffly up from the floor. He pushed his hands into his pockets and stared at the floor. ”I’m going for a walk,” he said after a moment of silence.

Castiel blinked, confused, but before he had time to react, Dean had trudged down the stairs and was already shrugging his jacket on. Castiel listened to the telltale sound of Baby’s engine and let out a relieved breath when it was clear Dean really was going for a walk instead of driving off.

Suddenly exhausted, he hung his head and closed his eyes.

”No luck yet?”

Startled, Castiel whirled around. He had been so intent on Dean that he had missed Sam coming out of his room. The young alpha watched him with level eyes, frowning a little.

”No, I’m afraid not. But they say it’s quite common, not getting pregnant right after the implant removal.” Castiel repeated the doctor’s line, but the words tasted like ash.

Dean had been so hopeful, and offering the condolences of statistics and medians was a cold comfort. Castiel hoped he could do more to console Dean, but there really wasn’t that much to do, especially with Dean practically running away.

The next heat would be in a couple of months, give or take a couple of weeks. Dean had always run slightly irregular cycles, and for the first time, Castiel hoped they were regular. It would’ve been easier to point Dean a certain date in the calendar and tell him exactly how many days it was until their next chance.

Now, they just needed to wait.

 

* * *

 

[END OF PART ONE]

 

* * *

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time jump: one year later.
> 
> This chapter is heavy on both depression and medical talk and examination considering fertility issues. If you are easily squicked, it is possible to skip this whole chapter altogether and pick up the reading on the next chapter with relatively few difficulties.

Dean sat on the toilet seat and tried to remember how to breathe.

He stared numbly at the test in his hand and felt something cold and slimy crawl inside of him, settling in as a choking weight around his chest. He felt himself starting to crumble, and, instinctively, clamped on the bond to avoid alerting Cas to barge in. His alpha had probablysensed enough already, but Dean didn’t have to broadcast his breakdown.

_Five fucking heats_ , and still _nothing_.

”Dean?” Cas asked tentatively from behind the bathroom door.

”Yeah,” Dean grunted, slammed the test to the trash, and buried his face in his hands.

Over a year. Five heats. Five negative tests.

Heat after heat, they had kept their hopes up and kept on trying, certain that _this_ heat would be different, that _this_ time they would actually conceive. Before this latest (futile) attempt, Dean had even relented and bought a stack of DIY fertility tests to ease his mind that he was, in fact, ovulating. Which he was: every damn one of those tests had been positive.

It had only made the negative pregnancy test a goddamn cruel joke.

Barren.

He was a twenty-one years old barren omega.

During the last twelve months, things hadn’t gone the way they had thought, not in the least. They had had this delusional, naïve idea of Dean ditching his contraceptive implant, then them fucking like bunnies through his heat, and getting pregnant right away. Simple and sound, because, you know, _alpha and omega._ They were meant to breed.

_Dean_ was meant to breed.

Before they had decided to try for a pup, Dean hadn’t given much thought to the idea of a family. Had someone said to him a year ago that he would have his insides tied in a knot over the worry of never being a parent, he would’ve laughed. Before meeting Cas, ’family’ had been his mom, dad, and Sam, and after the fire, family had been Sam, Cas, and him. Pups had never really fit into the equation. 

He had thought waiting to conceive wouldn’t be a big deal.

He had been so fucking wrong. So, _so_ fucking wrong.

Without his consent, his breath caught and he let out a strangled sob. The mental grip he had on the bond crumbled, and he barely felt a spike of alarm before Cas hurried in and took the scene in with one look.

”Oh, Dean,” the alpha whispered and sank on his knees in front of Dean.

Blindly, Dean reached out for Cas, and, before he realized, he was on Cas’s lap, crying loud and ugly on his shirt, tears mixing with snot. He was vaguely aware that he probably should be embarrassed, but he didn’t have the strength to worry about his appearances or the fact that Cas was crushed awkwardly under him. But Cas didn’t say anything, just held him tightly and rubbed his back, exuding calmness and silent sorrow.

Dean latched on his alpha like a lifeline, anchoring himself with the touch, and just let go his feelings.

It took a long while for Dean to regain his composure. When he had calmed somewhat, he snuggled even closer and buried his face on Cas’s neck, gripping Cas’s shirt.

”I — why?” Dean hiccuped. ”I _tried_ , Cas, I tried. Fuck this! I mean — for _nothing_.”

”I don’t know,” Cas sighed and kissed Dean’s temple. ”Sometimes these things take time, I guess.”

”That’s just fucking lame,” Dean said flatly. On some level, he appreciated Cas’s attempts, but, after four empty heats, he was just so done with coddling.

”I’m sorry,” Cas offered quietly.

Dean rubbed his eyes. ”Not your fault,” he muttered. Forcing himself to let go of Cas’s shirt, Dean got jerkily up, went to wash up his face by the sink, and made his way slowly to the bedroom. He didn’t bother removing his clothes, but promptly fell face down on the bed and buried himself under the blanket.

After a moment, Cas followed him in and sat on the edge of the bed.

”Is there anything I can do?”

Dean didn’t answer.

Cas sighed and reached out to stroke the errant strands of hair on Dean’s neck. ”I’m sorry. I wish I could do something. I know how much you want this, and I hate it when I can’t make it better.”

Dean didn’t answer, but his body curled up a little and betrayed him by letting slip a quiet, pitiful whine. It was all Cas needed to crawl under the blanket to cradle Dean close.

After some time, Cas said tentatively, ”If you want to, we can ask the OIAA for help. They offer a series of tests for these kind of situations. Perhaps it’s something that’s fixable?”

Dean shrugged, an awkward movement while lying on his stomach, but it was enough for Cas.

”Okay,” the alpha breathed. ”I can contact them if you feel overwhelmed?”

”Yeah, whatever,” Dean mumbled into his pillow, fighting a sudden wave of nausea. ’Fixable’ indicated he was broken, and, even though the statement seemed to be true, it hurt more when said out loud.

Cas hummed and kept on petting the back of his head for a moment, before he kissed the bondbite on Dean’s neck.

”I love you,” Cas murmured softly into his ear before he got up and left the room.

Dean burrowed himself deeper under the blankets and tried to keep his head clear of the odd ringing noise suddenly swelling inside his head.

 

* * *

 

Dean woke up in the middle of the night. It wasn’t the ”start wide awake with a gasp” thing they showed in TV, but a disoriented blinking thing instead. He lay still for a moment before he turned carefully around to take a look at Cas, snoring quietly beside him.

Fuck, but Cas was gorgeous like that. When awake, he was sometimes so serious, but sleep smoothed his features, making him look younger and carefree. Dean didn’t dare to touch lest he woke his alpha up, because it would only make Cas worry for Dean to be awake.

And Cas had already worried so much over the past year.

After his second empty heat, Dean had started to feel like every other person he came across to had managed to get a bun in the oven. Bellies and strollers advanced on him from every side, from the TV and the magazines, on the mall and the street. It was like he was the sole target of some friggin’ preggers army. They were fucking _everywhere!_

Also, it made his throat contract with something akin of an aborted sob. He had found out that jealousy was, in fact, a physical feeling.

When his third and fourth heat had turned empty as well, Dean had started doing some research. He had browsed a website after a website, reading articles about the omega reproductive system and the differences between omega and female pregnancies. He had gone looking for tips on how to get pregnant or increase one’s fertility, and had started drinking unsweetened grapefruit juice every morning (and forced Cas to participate), abandoned sugar and artificial sweeteners, ditched junk food, and forced himself eat his greens. He had even started to have daily jogs, and bought the frigging fertility tests to pee daily on a damn stick for a couple of weeks for fuck’s sake!

He had refused to ride Cas at all, but made Cas mount him every time for as deep a knotting as possible and asked the alpha to plug him up after his knot had receded. Dean had spent the lulls of his heat with his ass up in the air to prevent any come dripping out, helping gravity to get Cas’s sperm where it belonged.

He had done his homework, had given his everything, and it had all been for nothing. For fucking _nothing!_

Dean felt hot tears prickling under his lids. He resolutely squeezed his eyes shut, pressed the palms of his hands over his eyes, and forcibly steadied his breathing. He had already cried; he wouldn’t start again now. It wouldn’t change anything anyway. Instead, it would only emphasize the fact that he was a useless, sniveling excuse of an omega.

Quietly, Dean slipped out of the bed, grabbed his bathrobe and padded downstairs. There was one creaky board in the stairs, but, after nearly six years in the house, Dean remembered well to overstep it.

He made his way into the kitchen to…

Fuck it, he didn’t know why he was in the kitchen.

He looked around and saw a neat pile of printed info. Curious, he trudged forward to take a closer look and his eyes widened. After seeing the titles of the first two articles _(’Sorting Out The Reasons Behind Primary Infertility’_ and _’When The Stork Flies By’_ , which was honestly the creepiest title Dean had read in a long time), he turned the stack upside down, sat heavily on a chair, rested his elbows on the table, and took a deep breath.

Five heats. Fifteen months. That was a fucking long time in an omega’s life.

Sometimes Dean looked back and tried to remember what it had felt like to be the positive and confident omega he had been a year ago. He wondered if he would ever feel like that again.

Sometimes he wondered if it would’ve been easier for everyone if they hadn’t been so sure, if they hadn’t wished so much. The higher the hopes, the mightier the crash, right?

There was really no reason why he shouldn’t get pregnant: he was well-nourished, healthy, and in a stable, loving relationship. Everything was supposed to be okay, so why did he feel like everything had gone FUBAR and then some?

How much longer could he wait? How many empty heats until he cracked for good?

How many until Cas decided he wanted someone who could give him the pups he wanted?

And that was what scared Dean most: the thought of Cas leaving him.

Bondbreaks were extremely rare, since it was both physically and mentally dangerous for both parties. From a legal point of view, infertility was a valid reason for a break, for either one of the bonded pair. The process required close medical monitoring, medication, and most likely some therapy, so it was doable, although the chances were that either or both would end up crippled on some level.

But if Cas could have the chance for a real family, why shouldn’t he take it?

For a moment, Dean felt dizzy. He clenched his hands together hard enough for his nails to leave dents into the backs of his hands, and the brief flash of pain was enough to ground him. He closed his eyes and took a couple of steadying breaths, forced his shoulders to relax, and willed his heart rate down. It took a surprisingly long time, the cold claws of panic stubbornly holding on, trying to force Dean to break.

Dean had wanted this for so long. First shyly somewhere in the back of his mind, in a quiet, scared little wish he wasn’t sure he was brave enough to voice out loud; then openly, but only to Cas. He had been so sure that daring to hope, being bold enough to _want_ more, would jinx it all. Cas had held him, kissed him, and promised everything would be okay.

And Dean had wanted, hoped, and voiced his wishes, and it had all gone to shit.

Feeling wrung out and tired to the bone, Dean rested his head on his hands.

What little he had sneaked from Cas’s printed articles was enough to give him a label: he was _primarily infertile_. The term had felt like a punch in the gut, making him feel he had a condition. _’Infertile’_ meant he was inferior, lesser, useless. _’Infertile’_ meant he couldn’t fulfill his purpose the way nature had intended. _’Primarily’_ was like a slap in the face, defining him fundamentally by his ability procreate.

Intellectually, he knew the medical term had nothing to do with _him_ per se; it was just a way to define the type of infertility. But reason had nothing to do with feelings. Dean could argue with other people until he was blue in the face, but he couldn’t argue with the feeling of worthlessness he felt, realizing his body was faulty.

He couldn’t help his omega from curling up in a pitiful attempt of surrender and submission of its ultimate failure. Because that’s pretty much what was going on: his higher brain functions didn’t mean jack shit when his animal side had the wheel, and, when talking about his fertility, Dean wasn’t even in the same fucking car. His omega brain was all instinct, and right now his instincts were screaming at him that he was worthless.

In the end it all boiled down to this: how could Cas still want him as a mate when he knew of Dean’s condition? Why would he settle for a good-for-nothing omega?

He was shaken out of his musings by the creak of the floorboard.

Dean raised his head to look at a concerned Cas. His alpha had sleep-mussed hair and a pillow-crease on his chin, but his eyes were clear and full of emotion. Dean hung his head in shame, internally scolding himself for waking his mate up via distress over their bond. Cas didn’t say anything, just walked slowly to him, took him into his arms, stroked his hair gently, and let the bond speak for him.

After some time, Cas pleaded softly, ”Come to bed, Dean. Please.”

Dean sighed, but didn’t protest. He let Cas drag him up and lead him into the bedroom. The alpha undressed him, walked him into the bed and climbed in after him to spoon him tightly.

”Never doubt my love for you,” Cas whispered and kissed the bondbite with utmost gentleness.

Dean didn’t have the energy to answer. He lay still, listened how Cas’s breathing evened out, and wondered if he could sleep again.

 

* * *

 

After Dean’s minor breakdown, Cas set up the meeting with the OIAA specialist as soon as possible. Within a week, they had an appointment, and, after a set of standard blood samples to check for STDs, they were guided into a tastefully furnished, roomy, and bright office. The OIAA doctor was an efficient no-nonsense omega, who explained the tests with crisp tones and brutal honesty.

Cas looked slightly green around the gills, but Dean appreciated the attitude. He had always hated being coddled, which made this a welcome experience.

As it turned out, they weren’t alone in their situation: as common as infertility had become among female population, it wasn’t unheard of in omegas either. Dean was confused and surprised, because he had thought omegas didn’t suffer from fertility issues.

”So,” Dr. Elkins started. ”From what I can see from your submitted background info, you’ve already used fertility tests. The brand you used is comparatively reliable, and we can fairly reasonably believe they were correct. Which means that at least in this last heat of yours was supposedly a fertile one, Dean.”

Dr. Elkins then proceeded to ask Dean about his heat cycle and symptoms, the time and duration of his latest heat, his libido, slick production, if he felt sexually capable and confident, and if he had any problems with orgasms, either alone or with his alpha. Dean choked a little at the questions but answered them as honestly as he could. Cas sat still beside him, holding his hand in a steady grip, offering his opinion every now and then, and feeding a steady stream of calm over the bond.

When Dr. Elkins was done with Dean, he turned towards Cas, presenting him with a series of equally straightforward and intruding questions like the size of his knot, the amount of his come (How the hell did one measure it? By cups?), his libido, if he had ever had his hormones tested, and whether or not Cas masturbated (Okay, Dean was seriously interested in the answer to that one). Cas answered them all with a serious voice and a bright red face, and this time it was Dean’s turn to soothe his mate through their connection.

After the third-degree interrogation, Dean went through a physical examination, which was perhaps the most embarrassing thing Dean had ever experienced. It was bad enough to parade around in a paper gown that left his back and ass bare, but when the Dr. Elkins asked him to lie down on an obstetric table and presented him with an ultrasound probe, Dean almost bolted. It took Cas’s steady hand on his shoulder to make him endure both the ultrasound _and_ the humiliating and painful internal exam. It was almost unbelievable that the Doc’s fingers could cause so damn much discomfort, when Dean was able to take Cas’s knot without a problem.

_Fucking anatomy._

Even though he knew it was unfair, Dean was pitifully grateful to witness Cas’s obvious uneasiness during his knot tissue examination. Somehow, not being the only one poked and probed made things easier to bear.

”This is how things will proceed,” Dr. Elkins said, after they had redressed and were, once again, sitting in front of him. ”Dean, I’ll order an extensive set of blood tests, and schedule you a HSSG as soon as possible.”

”A what?” Dean asked, and his voice didn’t squeak. At all.

”A hysterosalpingosonography. It’s a small operation to test if your fallopian tubes are open. If they are blocked, it would explain your infertility, because then the eggs wouldn’t be able to travel to your uterus, and, therefore, you wouldn’t get pregnant even if you ovulated normally.”

Dean blinked and swallowed. ”Okay,” he said hoarsely. ”Is Cas — I mean, can he —”

”Your alpha is most welcome to attend, if you want him present,” Dr. Elkins said gently. ”And Castiel, I’d appreciate it if you could leave a sperm sample before you leave.”

”Why?” Dean frowned.

”I guess it would be pointless to put you through an operation if I’m sterile,” Cas said with a dry smile.

Dean blinked. It hadn’t even occurred to him that Cas might be shooting blanks. It just felt… wrong.

Dr. Elkins mercifully ignored Dean’s confusion. ”We have discreet, soundproof rooms just along the corridor. The nurse will instruct you. I’ll call you about the results as soon as we get them.”

A bit stymied, they thanked Dr. Elkins and followed the nurse. She herded them inside a cozy, windowless room to give them a tutorial.

”Basically, you have two options,” she said to Castiel. ”You can either mount your mate up until the point of knotting, pull out, and ejaculate into the container. Of course, the success rate is understandably low. Your other option is to use a silicone channel with an attached container, in which case you can knot the silicone channel without a worry. Either way is fine by us. When you are done, please screw the lid on the container, put it in this plastic bag, and give it to us. Don’t forget to check out through the lab to take care of the blood tests. Have fun!”

They stared a little wild-eyed at the perky nurse, who winked at them and left the room. Blinking, they turned to look at each other, before their eyes dropped to the silicone channels.

”I think I’ll use that one,” Cas said awkwardly.

”Yeah,” Dean agreed. Having sex in the clinic room would be just — no. Besides, Cas pulling out and knotting air… well, it wouldn’t hurt the alpha, but it would be uncomfortable as fuck.

Dean offered to leave the room, but Cas wouldn’t have any of it, and, frankly, Dean was grateful. He wasn’t sure how he would’ve handled Cas fucking a fake channel with Dean just outside the room anyway.

In the end, Cas decided to go down on Dean, mainly to distract himself from the thing he was supposed to jerk off into.

Not that Dean complained, because Cas gave excellent head. He just wished the surroundings were slightly more comfy.

 

* * *

 

Of course, Cas’s sperm count came back excellent.

”One of the best samples I’ve seen in a long, long time,” Dr. Elkins beamed through phone.

Dean was happy for Cas, but, at the same time, he felt the tight clamp of anxiety in his guts.

Seemed like the reason _was_ him, after all.

Dr. Elkins scheduled the appointment for Dean’s operation in two weeks. The procedure was explained to him on the phone, but he zoned off and barely remembered to take the healthy dose of painkillers beforehand, as instructed. By the time they arrived at the clinic, Dean was nauseous both because of his nerves _and_ because he hadn’t been able to eat anything.

Dr. Elkins walked them through the operation before they were guided to change. During the procedure, the Doc was professional, efficient, and fast, and the assisting nurse was a soft-spoken, middle-aged woman with kind eyes and gentle hands. Nevertheless, it was one of the most painful things Dean had ever endured, and it took all his self-control to just lie still and take it. He grabbed Cas’s hand like his life depended on it, and Cas kept a steady stream of soothing words pouring into his ear, his other hand constantly carding through Dean’s hair.

Afterwards, Dean sat in a heap on the floor of the operating room toilet, a pad in his panties, and puked out yellow bile until his stomach cramped in all the ways possible. Then he leaned back against Cas’s chest, drew strength from his alpha, and wondered, how it was possible that Cas was still there.

Changing back into his own clothes took time. Due to his nausea, Dean couldn’t take any more oral pain medication, but, even after a shot of painkiller, moving hurt like motherfucker. If it hadn’t been for Cas, Dean didn’t know how he could’ve managed to lace his boots, let alone get back to the Doc’s office.

”Everything seems to be alright,” Dr. Elkins said when they were, once again, facing him in his office. ”The tubes are open and there are no blocks to be seen. So, when you ovulate, the egg should have a normal route into your uterus.”

”So, basically, there’s nothing wrong with either of us, we just can’t conceive,” Dean gritted out, unable to hold back the bitterness from his voice. He hurt a fucking lot, he was leaking bloody water from his ass, and it had all been for — wait for it — _nothing_ again.

”No need to despair,” Dr. Elkins chided. ”Now that we know the situation, we can start treating you. We’ll start with a hormonal injection during your next heat —”

Dean turned his gaze out of the window and let the Doc’s voice wash over him. There was a dull throb in his abdomen, a hollow ache inside his sternum, and his head felt cottony. He was pretty sure Cas was listening and asking smart questions, while Dean just wanted to curl up and drift away.

When Cas gripped his shoulder firmly, he jolted out of his headspace.

”We’re done here, Dean,” Cas smiled softly. ”Let’s go home.”

 

* * *

 

The instructions for the injections were simple: Dean was to start sticking himself with a needle two weeks before his heat and continue for two weeks after it. Because Dean’s heats had always been slightly irregular, Dr. Elkins had calculated an approximate date to begin the injections. In reality, it was Cas who took care of the injections. Dean was too squicked to inject himself to begin with, and during his heat he would unable to anyway. It was just easier to let Cas take care of it.

To distract himself, Dean concentrated on the holidays, even though he didn’t feel exactly festive, and they hadn’t exactly bothered with St. Patrick’s day or Easter before. He tried his best for Cas and Sam, because there was no reason to drag them down into his gloominess just because he was broken.

Nevertheless, Dean couldn’t help but feel relieved when they when Sam opted to spend majority of the spring break with Kevin.

When his heat finally arrived in early April, Dean thought it was relatively easy. Or perhaps he was just resigned. He was horny, of course, but the intensity and pure _want_ were distant, as if his omega had given up, like there wasn’t any point in getting too excited anymore. Nothing was going to happen, anyway.

When his heat was over, Dean pushed the whole thing out of his mind. He distanced himself from his body, already resigned that he was never going to get pregnant. Even though they made him irritable and nauseated, he acquiesced to the daily injections though, mainly because he didn’t want to disappoint Cas even more. After all, he had already tied his alpha to a barren mate, playing along was the least he could do.

The days inched forward at a snail’s pace. Cas was busy teaching, Sam was busy studying to his finals and trying to further impress Kevin, and Dean was busy… well. He wasn’t, exactly, but he pretended to be. He was in his third year at the college and still was fucking clueless about everything (including his major) as he was the day he had started. And, honestly, he felt it was all for nothing anyway. He was barely passing his courses, and only managed because he had the steady ring of his friends to support him.

Five weeks after the heat, in early May, Cas came home with a nervous smile and shoved Dean a nondescript paper bag. Dean didn’t understand it at first. Then he opened it and saw two pregnancy tests inside.

”Dr. Elkins said it would be okay to test now, but we don’t have to, if you don’t want to. We can wait until you’re ready.”

There was heartbreaking earnestness in Cas’s eyes, and Dean just didn’t have it in him to shoot his alpha down. So he took the bag and forced a smile.

”Yeah. Sure,” Dean said before he fled into the bathroom.

Had it been his decision, Dean would’ve shoved the paper bag straight into the trash, forgotten the whole thing, and settled down to wait for his next heat. But it was Cas, and Dean owed it to Cas to take the damn test and present the eternally negative results.

Except that it wasn’t negative.

Dean stared at the test.

_It wasn’t negative._ He was pregnant.

He scrambled around and barely made it to his knees in front of the toilet before he threw up.


	9. Chapter 9

When he got to work, Castiel was bouncing on his feet, barely able to stifle a grin. Finally, _finally_ , after all the frustration, crushed hopes, and tears, his mate was pregnant.

_Pregnant!_

Overwhelmed with gratitude and love, Castiel had wanted nothing more than to stay home to cocoon Dean in his arms and hold him close, keep him safe, rested, and loved.

Unfortunately, he still had his obligations, and he was forced to leave Dean sleeping as he left for work.

As he entered his shared office, his demeanor earned him a raised eyebrow from Balthazar. Slightly embarrassed, Castiel tried to downplay his giddiness, but over a year in the same office combined with their shared history guaranteed that Balthazar saw right through him.

”My, oh my, I presume congratulations are in order?” Balthazar asked with an amused smirk.

Castiel gave him a sheepish, happy smile. ”Yes.”

”Good for you both, Cassie. About the time, really. How long did you try? A year?”

”A little over a year, yes. It took six heats and some medical assistance. I still can’t believe it’s real!” He sat down and grinned at his lap before glancing at Balthazar.

”How’s Dean?”

”Still stunned, I think.”

”You _think?”_ Balthazar repeated.

Castiel shuffled, slightly uncomfortable. ”Yes. It’s been a long and hard road for him. It’s bound to take some time for the reality to sink in. Right now he’s too busy feeling nauseous around the clock to really think about anything else.”

”Right.” Again, there was something in Balthazar’s eyes that Castiel couldn’t really decipher. But, before he had the chance to ask, the faculty head strode in.

”Ah, Castiel, good to see you. Do you have a minute?” Dr. Harvelle asked with a smile.

Dr. Harvelle was a middle-aged woman with a presence that made even Balthazar wary, which was probably the reason Balthazar excused himself with impressive speed. Castiel invited Dr. Harvelle in, perplexed about what reason she might have to come see him in person.

”Professor Greene has announced he’s planning on an early retirement due to health reasons,” Dr. Harvelle said.

Castiel nodded. It was nothing he didn’t already know: Joshua Greene had never fully recovered from his stroke, which was the reason Castiel had been his substitute for the past two years.

”You are one of our most well-liked teachers, both by the students and the staff,” Dr. Harvelle continued. ”You’ve done an excellent job being Joshua’s replacement and, to be honest, we’d like to see you in his position permanently.” She smiled. ”As such, although we have to open the position to everyone, please do apply. You have excellent credentials and you have proven yourself an asset to the department.”

”Oh,” Castiel said, and mentally patted himself to the back at his eloquence.

”Well, and in addition to regular teaching during the school year, we’d like to offer you summer courses as well. They are lower division, since we can’t support courses with low enrollment numbers, and most higher division classes won’t make the minimum, but you’d have much more leeway on how you conduct your classes and what’s on your syllabus.”

It sounded very appealing, and the prospect of having the freedom to use unconventional teaching methods was tempting. Castiel enjoyed teaching, and hearing he was well liked enhanced the feeling he was doing things right.

Dean would understand, he was sure of it. Almost sure.

He truly hoped Dean would understand.

”Is there a problem?” Dr. Harvelle had seen something in his face and raised a brow inquiringly.

”I’m honored that you want to keep me,” Castiel said sincerely.

”But?” Dr. Harvelle prompted.

Castiel sighed and dropped his eyes on his hands. ”But, honestly, it’s going to be a strain for my relationship. We only recently found out that, after trying and waiting for a long time, my mate is finally pregnant.”

”Congratulations,” Dr. Harvelle said warmly.

”Thank you,” Castiel said with a small but genuine smile. ”What I mean is that, as much as I appreciate your offer, I can’t answer you right away about the summer classes. I have to talk with Dean about this.”

”Oh. You are an alpha/omega pair? Your reluctance is more than understandable. Is this your first pup?”

Castiel nodded.

”Well, have an interesting journey into the wonderful world of parenthood Castiel,” Dr. Harvelle grinned. Then she sobered. ”If you only recently found out, the pup will be due somewhere around the end of the year?”

Castiel nodded again. ”Yes. Around the New Year. But we won’t know the due date until the first ultrasound.”

Dr. Harvelle hummed. ”Thank you for letting me know. That would mean I’d need to find you a replacement for a month,” Dr. Harvelle mused. Noticing Castiel’s perplexedfrown, she gave him a wry smile.

”We offer all parents a full-paid month of paternal leave. I should also point out that you being a permanent member of our staff would include your mate on our insurance policy, although he already has a very extensive insurance of his own due to his secondary gender. In any case, it’s something you should know. Please, talk with your mate and let us know as soon as possible.”

Without further ado, Dr. Harvelle nodded at him curtly and walked out, leaving somewhat stupefied Castiel sitting on his chair.

Only a short moment later, Balthazar peeked in.

”Oh, good, she left,” he breathed. ”She’s very nice, but she unnerves me. I have no idea why. Perhaps it’s because she’s so clever. So, what did she want?”

Castiel blinked and looked up. ”She wants me to apply for this job, as a replacement for Joshua Greene, and even teach summer courses.”

Balthazar’s eyes widened. ”Well. Talking about boss’ favorite. You said yes, of course. Didn’t you?”

”I need to talk to Dean first.”

”You’re joking, right? Right? Cassie, for heaven’s sake!” Balthazar sighed in exasperation. ”You don’t have to ask for Dean’s permission to this!”

”I want to talk to Dean first,” Castiel repeated, a little stiffly, and averted his eyes.

Balthazar opened his mouth to retort, but closed it with a snap and threw his hands in the air instead. ”Well. You talk to Dean, then. Fine.”

 

* * *

 

Dean lifted his head from Castiel’s chest and frowned. ”So, what would it mean, exactly?”

It was early evening, but they were already in bed. The early pregnancy made Dean nauseous and tired, and today, he had managed to eat only some saltines and frozen orange slices. They had discovered the wonders of frozen fruit lately, as they were often the only food Dean was able to keep down. Nowadays, their freezer had a steady stock of frozen slices and cubes of oranges, apples, mangoes, and watermelon. The saltines on the other hand had become a constant feature of their bedroom.

Castiel had come home to a sleeping, naked Dean, and, after getting a bowl of frozen fruit to feed him, he had shed his clothes to climb in bed with his mate. Castiel feeding his omega was also a new routine of theirs, and if he could add in the skin contact as well, all the better. Dean always grumbled about being cuddled and fed, but Castiel could feel his shy contentment through the bond when he was leaning his side against Castiel’s bare chest while the alpha finger fed him. This time was no exception.

”I’d continue teaching as I have so far, but a permanent position would probably mean more administrative duties,” Castiel explained slowly.

Dean didn’t say anything, just looked Castiel in the eye for a moment, then rested his head back on the alpha’s chest.

”So… you’d be away at least as much as you are now.” Dean’s voice was slightly muffled and his breath tickled Castiel’s skin.

”That’s possible,” Castiel admitted reluctantly. ”That’s the main reason I wanted to speak to you first.”

Dean shrugged, a stilted move against Castiel’s side. ”It’s your job. If you want to, you should do it.”

”Dean —”

”I mean it. You love teaching. You love your students.”

There was something slightly off in Dean’s tone, but Castiel couldn’t quite fathom it. It didn’t stop him from trying, though. ”I love _you_ ,” he said pointedly, ”and I don’t want to do this if it makes you uncomfortable.”

Dean lifted his head again and gave Castiel a devious smirk. ”Oh, you love me, alpha?” He murmured and crawled around to straddle Castiel.

Castiel’s alpha purred, pleased about its mate’s affections. Castiel was pretty much in tune with his inner animal, and his cock filled, coming to rest against Dean’s ass. Dean lowered his head to playfully nip Castiel’s lip, and the alpha opened under him, letting Dean take over his mouth, his eyes fluttering shut as he relaxed to Dean’s ministrations. The scent of his own arousal permeated the air as he gently stroked Dean’s back, tracing the familiar form of his omega’s spine, the ripple of his muscles and the curve of his ass. He absolutely loved Dean’s body: the strong build of it, his freckles and hollows, and he couldn’t wait for the first signs of Dean’s pregnancy to show.

Dean huffed against his lips and Castiel opened his eyes to meet his amused gaze.

”Freckles?”

”I — Did I say it out loud?”

Dean just shook his head and bent back down to kiss him again. It was more sensuous this time, Dean taking his time, and Castiel surrendered under him. Dean let out a quiet growl, and Castiel felt his alpha’s arousal spike at its omega’s display of dominance. For the life of him, Castiel had never understood some alphas driving need to always be in control, because this? This was heaven. Having his gorgeous omega on top of him, kissing him, and grinding his ass against Castiel’s groin was extremely delightful.

Moaning into Dean’s mouth, Castiel kneaded his hands down his mate’s back and dipped his hand down the cleft.

And stopped. Dean was dry.

Castiel drew out of the kiss. ”Dean?”

His omega’s gaze flickered momentarily to the side before it returned to briefly meet his eyes. ”It’s because of the pregnancy, I guess,” Dean mumbled.

Castiel frowned. ”I didn’t think it would start this early.”

”It’s nothing,” Dean shrugged.

”Oh, it’s definitely _not_ nothing,” Castiel countered. ”I’m not going to take you dry.”

”So, what? Do you wanna knot my mouth?”

Castiel blinked. So far, Dean had absolutely refused to even consider letting Castiel knot his mouth, and he had no idea why Dean offered now. The strange feeling of something being off returned, and Castiel shook his head to clear it.

”No! Why do you even — never mind. Check the nightstand drawer, please.”

Dean gritted his teeth, but reached out for said drawer.

”Lube? Really?”

Castiel decided to ignore the blush creeping over his cheeks. ”Like I said, I didn’t think it would start this early. Good thing I like to be prepared.”

Dean rolled his eyes, but it was affectionate. ”I’m mated to a boy scout,” he snorted as he dropped the tube of lube to Castiel’s hand.

Dean stayed there, straddling his hips, and tried to drive Castiel out of his mind with dirty kisses, while Castiel stretched him open. The alpha used a lot of time and gratuitous amount of lube to prep his mate, and slicked himself carefully up before guiding Dean down. The feeling was strange, his body recognizing the difference between artificial slick and Dean’s natural lubrication, but Castiel was soon lost in the familiar heat and tightness to have the mindset to compare. At the end, there was nothing artificial in the way his knot swelled and he came inside Dean with a groan.

This was the first time they had mated since the positive pregnancy test, and, because of that, it somehow felt even more precious. There was a new sense of fragility and stronger intimacy between them, and, to Castiel, it was almost holy. He was about to reach between them to take care of his mate, when they heard stomping in the stairs, and, a split moment later, Sam barged in without knocking.

”Guys, guess what! Kevin— oh shit! Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit, I’m sorry!” The young alpha’s face scrunched and his eyes went wide as the heavy scent of Castiel and Dean’s mating hit him in the face. Face flaming red, Sam whirled around and fled their room, ran straight into his own, and slammed the door behind him.

Castiel blinked and stared after Sam for a moment before turning to face Dean, who was having a hard time fighting back a laugh. His body’s vibrations reverberated around Castiel’s cock, and the twitches made Dean clench around him, making Castiel grunt.

”Poor Sam, scarred for life,” the omega sniggered and flopped back against Castiel. ”But if that was what I thought it was, Sammy’s got some loving time ahead of him.”

Castiel jerked a little at the tug on his knot and hugged Dean close. ”I hope not. They are awfully young.”

Sam had courted Kevin ever since the Thanksgiving year ago, a clumsy, awkward, and painfully cute endeavor that, for some reason, had managed to endure Mrs. Tran’s dragon presence and Kevin’s overachieving study routine. Castiel and Dean had had a standing bet about when either Sam would manage to gather the courage to ask Kevin out properly or Kevin would grow annoyed and make the move himself. Castiel had vouched for Sam, while Dean had put his money on Kevin. Seemed like Castiel had won this round.

Dean snorted. ”Kevin’s as old as I was when we mated.”

Castiel didn’t say anything, but turned to lift Dean’s head to give him a flat stare.

Dean rolled his eyes. ”Yeah, yeah, you’re right. They are too fucking young.”

Sam had just turned eighteen, and Castiel wondered if it had something to do with the recent turn of events. Dean was right about the age issue, but it wasn’t everything: Kevin was in a completely different place in his life than Dean had been at his age, not to mention his striving ambition to his studies. On the other hand, Castiel trusted Sam to handle Kevin with the respect the young omega deserved — or as far as it was possible to trust a hormonal teenage alpha.

Kevin having an absolutely fierce mother probably helped too.

Castiel’s knot deflated soon, and Dean lifted himself off with a wince and a wet sound. They fell into the familiar moves of their evening routine, and it wasn’t until he was brushing his teeth when Castiel realized that Dean hadn’t come.

The alpha frowned with dismay.

He had always taken great pride in making sure that his mate climaxed too, and he was disappointed at himself about letting Dean down. He decided to offer Dean at least a blowjob as a compensation, but when he got to back to the bedroom, Dean had already curled on his side, seemingly asleep. Castiel pressed his lips together in a tight line and promised himself he would make amends in the morning. He climbed on the bed and snuggled to spoon his mate close, fully realizing what a poor recompense it was.

In the morning, he woke up to the sound of Dean vomiting in the bathroom. His thoughts of any sexual relations fled at the sight of a pale and trembling Dean lying curled on the bathroom floor, empty stomach constricting with futile retching. Castiel flushed the toilet, helped Dean up to rinse his mouth, and practically carried him back to bed. Before he left for work, he fetched Dean some frozen watermelon cubes and arranged pillows and blankets into a nest around his mate.

When he pulled the door closed behind him, he made a mental note to find more information about excessive morning sickness.

 

* * *

 

Dr. Harvelle was extremely pleased when Castiel accepted the summer job offer, and said he’d submit his CV soon. Between the upcoming finals, his lessons, and planning his summer courses, however, Castiel was soon exhausted beyond belief.

Despite everything, he tried to make sure to come home in reasonable time. He absolutely did not want to repeat the incident of Dean feeling abandoned and alone. He even went as far as to ask Sam for help to program several alarms to his phone, to remind him to call Dean during the day, regardless if he was to make it to home in time or not.

Over the weeks, as Castiel’s alpha side caught onto the pregnancy, his love for Dean and the need to protect him and the developing pup only grew stronger. If they were out — which happened rarely, due to Dean’s continuing around-the-clock sickness — Castiel was constantly on edge, nearly growling at innocent passers-by if they happened to glance at Dean. At home, Castiel was repeatedly flooded by the urges to bring Dean food, wrap him in blankets, and deny him from carrying anything heavy.

At first, his omega was amused about his hovering, but his good mood turned bitter soon enough.

”For fuck’s sake, Cas! I’m not some damn wilting flower. I can carry my own bags and get my own fucking food. Geez!”

Castiel’s alpha cringed at its displeased mate and tried to please even more, which made Dean even more tense.

From there, it was downhill.

”It’s the hormones,” Balthazar said flatly. ”They make pregnant omegas batshit crazy, believe me. I know,” he said, giving a whole-body shudder.

”I just don’t know what to do,” Castiel said helplessly. ”I just want to make him feel safe and secure, and he nearly bites my head off.”

Balthazar gave him a Look that said Castiel was a bit slow. ”In other words, you’re trying to coddle him and he hates it. Try something else instead. Why am I explaining this to you anyway?”

”Because you love to point out how stupid I am?”

”Oh, that.”

The truth was that Castiel was at a loss. Dean had become brittle, and no matter how careful the alpha tried to be with him, everything usually ended up in Dean’s temper flaring and Castiel standing still, wondering what the hell he had done wrong again.

But because Castiel wanted to be the best alpha for his omega, he curbed his own temper and tried to be patient. It was surprisingly hard when Dean seemingly tried to annoy him on purpose. The alpha set his jaw and focused on his work and his studies, and tried to remind himself that Dean really didn’t feel well and was, therefore, lashing out at the person he trusted most.

Sometimes he actually believed himself.

 

* * *

 

One night, curled inside Castiel’s arms, Dean admitted that he was afraid. How could he be a good parent when his body had already pointed out that he shouldn’t become one? How, when he was so obviously broken and faulty?

Castiel blinked, confused. ”That’s absurd! Of course you will be a good parent.”

Dean didn’t comment.

A little while later, he went to the bathroom and stayed for a long time. When he returned, he stayed on his side of the bed.

Once again, Castiel felt he had done or said something wrong, making Dean retreat into himself. Thing was, he had no idea what it was. Their bond gave no hints other than strange flatness that Castiel didn’t know how to interpret.

He didn’t understand where these new bouts of insecurity came from. Yes, Dean had his issues just like everybody else, but this belief that there was something profoundly wrong in him was something new. It was odd, because with the situation being what it was, plenty of couples sought medical assistance to conceive, females and omegas alike. It was a glitch, not a flaw.

Later that week, Castiel tried to talk with Dean about it, the outcome being bad or even worse. He tried humor, love, and sarcasm, and, in a fit of frustration, nearly used his alpha voice, fortunately catching himself in time before he made an utter moron of himself. Every attempt he made ended up with either Dean storming out or closing up.

Nothing Castiel said seemed to ease Dean’s mind.

A couple of weeks later, it had become painfully obvious that talking would get them nowhere. Castiel remembered that years ago, Mary had said that Dean had always been more about actions than words. To be honest, Castiel himself felt that he expressed himself best with actions, but he also liked the permanence of written words. If he could just find a way to combine the two, he might be able to help Dean.

Castiel brewed himself a pot of strong tea and sat down to think.

 

* * *

 

The end of spring was a roller coaster of exams, meetings with Dr. Elkins, and planning how to deal with summer. After finally finding a way to ease his nausea to a level Dean could handle, Dean was supposed to take things easy and concentrate on his pregnancy. Castiel’s summer lessons would take practically the whole vacation, which sadly meant he would have little time to spend with Dean.

Sam had decided to attend several courses during summer, and no-one was surprised to find out that Kevin was attending too. Castiel was happy about the new and tentative thing growing between the two. Sam’s calmness was a good balance to Kevin’s firecracker temper, and Kevin most likely wouldn’t have stood a dim alpha.

Mrs. Tran was still mostly suspicious, but slowly thawing to Sam.

Due to the continuous nausea, Dean’s schoolwork was a mess, and he barely passed his classes and failed a couple. It only added to Dean’s misery, despite the fact that he wasn’t the only pregnant student to fail lessons because of the morning sickness. Dean was sure he was to be kicked out, or at least the OIAA would stop paying for his education _(I’m not even managing the fucking school anymore!)_ , and no matter what Castiel said, Dean was sure his studies were over.

Finally, after days of arguing, Castiel contacted both the OIAA and the college counselor. Like he already knew, Dean still had his student status, and it wouldn’t be cancelled because he was pregnant, but he wanted to make sure to ease Dean’s mind. However, when Dean found out that Castiel had acted behind his back, he got furious to the point of throwing his tea cup into the wall before storming out.

Castiel was left standing in the kitchen to stare at the stain on the wall and shards on the floor, battling with his alpha to stay and wait for Dean to come back instead of barging after him.

Their bond was alive with _feelings_ for a first time in a long time, and Castiel didn’t care that he got mainly fury and frustration from Dean. After weeks of _flatness_ it was a welcoming difference. So, Castiel wiped the stains from the wall, gathered the shards of porcelain, and brewed himself a new pot of strong tea. After a moment of consideration, he sat down to grade papers just to have something to do.

It was late when Dean returned.

The omega slunk in slowly, keeping his head bowed and eyes downcast, and stopped by the kitchen door. The bond was hesitant and… confused? Castiel frowned. It didn’t make any sense. Why would Dean be confused about coming home? Did he really think that Castiel wouldn’t welcome him back?

Sighing internally, Castiel put down his pen and glasses, got up, and walked to his mate. When he reached out for Dean, his mate flinched. Castiel curbed his alpha with brute force, lest his animal brain to take over and smother its mate and never let go. Instead, he took Dean into his arms and tried to pour all his love and trust into their bond, waiting for Dean to hug him back.

They stood still at the kitchen doorway, Dean latching on Castiel like a drowning man, and Castiel gently stroking his back and keeping his breathing even.

”I was just like Dad,” Dean finally mumbled against Castiel’s shirt.

”You are nothing like your father.”

”He used to do that when things didn’t go the way he liked,” Dean continued, like he hadn’t even heard Castiel’s words. ”He got angry and frustrated, broke something, and stormed off. He was never violent, but he broke stuff.”

Castiel wanted to say that breaking stuff could be considered as being violent. Instead, he cupped Dean’s face in his hands and gently made the omega to look him in the eye.

”First: you are not your father. Second: If breaking mugs helps you to get the anger out, I’m okay with that. Just remember not to touch Sam’s favorite mug.”

Dean blinked. ”You’re a weird-ass alpha, you know that?”

Castiel shrugged. ”I’m okay with that too.” He gave Dean a lopsided smile. ”Let’s go to bed. You’re exhausted.”

For once, Dean didn’t protest when Castiel supported him the stairs up, but he stayed in the bedroom while Dean went through the motions of his evening routine, suppressing the need to hover. It didn’t matter what his alpha wanted, it would be too much for Dean, what with being emotionally frayed and vulnerable.

Instead, he put a fresh towel on the bed to protect the sheets, lit some candles on the dresser, and rummaged the nightstand for the massaging oil he had bought a little while ago. It was very lightly scented with aromatic lavender oil, and supposedly it ’relaxed body and mind, ensuring a restful sleep.’

When Dean stepped into the bedroom, he took in the setting, and swallowed.

”Cas… I don’t —”

Castiel shook his head. ”This isn’t about me,” he interrupted gently. ”Please, come here and lay on your stomach.”

With a slightly suspicious little frown, Dean conceded.

Castiel covered his lower body with a clean sheet, poured some oil on his hand to warm it and went to work. He had massaged Dean’s shoulders and feet before, of course, but this was the first time in a long, long while he did something as _wholesome_ as this. Dean jerked a little under his touch, but soon started to relax, sighing at the touch.

Castiel made sure to stay to Dean’s side instead of straddling his hips. It was a bit uncomfortable and he was probably going to be sore the next day, but he didn’t mind. He wanted to make absolutely sure that Dean understood he wasn’t after sex.

Castiel worked slowly, methodically, and after he had gotten majority of Dean’s muscles loose and pliant, he kept on stroking him with gentle, long swipes. Soon, Dean’s breathing deepened, he relaxed even more, and drifted off to sleep. Castiel continued a while longer, pressed a soft kiss on Dean’s bondbite, and tucked him in, before completing his own evening routines and retiring to bed to hold Dean.

In the morning, Castiel didn’t wake Dean up when he got up. His omega hadn’t been sleeping well lately, and it seemed like the massage had helped give him some well-needed rest. Before he left for work, Castiel kissed Dean’s temple and placed a pale purple post-it note in his hand.

_Thank you for letting me make you feel good._

_I love you._


	10. Chapter 10

Summer was in full bloom and the town was slowly descending into the upcoming Fourth of July festivities. Dean was not in the mood. It was hot and humid, and Cas wasn’t there, and everything was just…

Whatever.

Dean sighed, turned onto his back on the bed, and rubbed his face. He was being ridiculous and he knew it, but the knowledge didn’t do anything to calm him down. Cas was away, Sam was spending time with Kevin (on a summer course, the nerds…), and Dean had the whole house to himself. Again.

The prospect of being left alone had held some attraction only for so long, and, eventually, the luxury of having all that space turned into loneliness. The little notes Cas left in Dean’s hand and everywhere around the house helped a little, but they didn’t erase the empty feeling inside him.

Dean knew he should be over the moon about Cas having a chance at a permanent job. Sure, he was happy as a pig in a poke, but he wasn’t that stupid not to realize what it would mean for their little family. Cas would be pretty much occupied the whole summer, and, as soon as the semester started, he would be busy with his new lessons and dozens of new students.

All the while Dean would be stuck at home, waiting to bloat up.

Or, well, not necessarily at home. According to the OIAA and the college counselor, he still had his student status, and, despite his fucked up spring semester, he was free to attend for as long as he felt like it. Yeah. As if.

The omega poked at his abdomen. It was still mostly flat (something to do with his long back and the angle of his womb or some shit), but there was this softness, a bump small enough to be hidden with hands and loose-fitting clothes.

The idea that there was new life _inside_ him was surreal. It was confusing. It was frustrating.

It was scary as hell.

Ever since Dean had decided to get rid of his implant, he had believed that, when he found out he was truly pregnant, he would immediately fall in love with the pup just like he had fallen in love with Cas right away all those years ago. During the time they had tried to conceive that belief had grown into an all-consuming conviction in his head. But the moment he had seen the little plus-sign on his pregnancy test, all he had felt was emptiness.

In the beginning, it might have been written off as shock, but now, a couple of months along, he still didn’t feel anything except fear.

Sure, normal human beings might also be scared shitless at the prospect of brewing up new life, but this total lack of fucking _anything else_ just wasn’t normal!

The words of the OIAA alpha henchman, Victor Henriksen, had crawled back from some deep well of his mind to taunt him ever since.

_”Are you sure you know what you’re doing, instead of just pretending to be an adult?”_

Back then, Dean had told the alpha to fuck off, but he couldn’t shake the sense of foreboding.

Did he really know what he was doing?

Dean had tried to tell Cas.

In the dark of night, he had squeezed his eyes shut and confessed how afraid he was, of all this, of not being a good enough parent, but Cas had just brushed his fears off and said he would be awesome. Dean had been forced to get out of bed and walk on wobbly feet to the bathroom to rest his forehead against the cool tiles of the wall and grip the edge of the sink with white knuckles.

He hadn’t tried to tell Cas again.

He had hoped for this for so damn long, and now, when he finally had all he had ever hoped for, he was brooding like some fucking idiot. He had a home, an alpha who worshiped the ground he walked on, and a little brother who was scary smart and destined to some seriously big things in his life.

And here he was, pregnant and whining, because he hadn’t turned his home into a Hallmark baby home already.

Really smart, Dean Jonathan Winchester-Novak, really fucking smart.

The sheets were clingy and sweaty, and Dean felt gross. The whole bedroom stank of that damn lavender, and the stains in the sheets were probably permanent, but he couldn’t deny that Cas’s massages felt awesome. His alpha had taken into massaging him at least three times a week, and, because it made him sleep so damn well, Dean didn’t object. He did feel sorta guilty for not offering sex as a thank you, but Cas seemed to be okay. In fact, his mate had pointed out several times that massaging was for Dean, and not to be confused with foreplay.

Dean was mortified at how relieved he kept feeling about that.

The last time they had mated had been ages ago, right after Cas had told he had been offered a job. It had shaken Dean more than he was willing to admit and he had… well… sort of distracted his alpha to avoid talking about it.

Everything would’ve been okay, if Dean had just gotten hard and slick like he normally did.

Fortunately, his alpha was always prepared for everything, and Cas had had lube stacked and ready in the nightstand drawer. And, fortunately, Sam had barged in and distracted Cas further, and Dean had been able to get away with being only half hard. Cas would’ve never forgiven himself if he’d found out that Dean really hadn’t been into it.

Dean sighed and stared at the ceiling.

Was he sorry for what he had done? Sort of. Would he do it again? Hell yeah, if it helped things with Cas. His alpha didn’t have to suffer from a faulty mate. And if it meant that Dean’s ass would burn a bit more, well, that was his own business.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Dean was aware that something was wrong. It was a vague sense of uneasiness that crept somewhere under his skin; something unnamed he shied away from. He felt his omega cringe around it, and, although he probably should’ve looked it more closely, he let it slide.

As it was, Dean did what he always had: he pretended he was okay. And if he got a little bitter about how easy it was to pull off, he also pretended he didn’t care.

 

* * *

 

”So, there’s your little one!” The doctor chirped and pointed at the screen.

Their doctor of the day was kind of overly perky and way too energetic for 9 am on a bright Monday morning. Dean bit back a snappy retort. He was already sweaty and felt kinda gross, and the jelly smeared on his abdomen didn’t really help. The only thing that made their appointment better was the fact that, this time, he didn’t have to take a sonogram dildo in his ass, since the external probe was efficient enough for them to see their pup for the first time.

Or, whatever that _thing_ was they saw.

Because it looked very much like there was a big-headed fucking alien in his belly.

Dean blinked several times, in the vain hope of Skeletor-wannabe vanishing from the screen, but it stayed. The fucker actually _waved_ at him. Dean glanced down and almost expected to see a limb protrude from his belly.

Beside him, Cas let out a watery breath. Dean turned incredulous eyes at his alpha.

”Look, Dean! It’s our pup,” Cas said, making starry-eyes at the alien swimming around the screen.

”Uh,” Dean said intelligently and looked at the screen again. Nope, still an alien.

”It’s beautiful,” the alpha said dreamily. Then he turned to the doctor and pleaded, ”Can we have pictures?”

”Certainly!” The doctor beamed and printed out several feet of small, shiny alien photos.

Dean’s eyes darted from the screen, to the doctor, and Cas. He tried to glance carefully at the ceiling corners, because he was pretty sure there was a hidden camera somewhere. There had to be, because Cas and the doctor couldn’t be serious, could they? He felt a slightly hysteric laughter bubbling under his skin, and stifled it brutally.

Okay. He could do this.

Dean took a deep breath, plastered on a polite smile, and stared just over the screen to the wall as he listened the doctor give an approximation of due date (New Year, yay…), and explain the basics about the pup’s physique and measurements at this stage of pregnancy (roughly the size of an egg, which didn’t ease Dean’s mind at all). Cas was making notes — honest to God notes! — which meant that Dean didn’t have to bother with trying to remember things. He could smile and nod and pretend he was somewhere else, instead of staring at the evidence of the freak he was incubating.

”— feels a little alien, doesn’t it?”

Dean froze in mid-thought and turned his eyes slowly at the doctor. ”Sorry?”

”I said, at this point everything can seem surreal,” the doctor smiled. ”From the outside, you can’t really see anything’s different, your morning sickness might have already passed, and there’s no sign that you are pregnant. It might make it all feel a little alien.”

”Right,” Dean ventured, feeling only slightly bewildered.

”It’s okay to be overwhelmed. After all, this is your first pup and you needed a little help to get everything right. There’s no shame in admitting to be scared or even having negative feelings. You wouldn’t be the first one.”

The doctor’s smile was kind, and Dean felt the knot in his chest loosening, if only a fraction.

Perhaps he wasn’t going crazy after all.

The doctor handed him a stack of paper towels to clean up, but before Dean had even the chance to reach out for them, Cas had picked the towels and started wiping the ultrasound gel from his abdomen with meticulous, careful moves.

Dean stared at his alpha for a couple of seconds and dropped his head back on the bed. Fuck this shit. Obviously he was no longer capable of cleaning himself after a scan. Petulantly, he wondered how long it would take until Cas decided he needed to wipe Dean’s ass after he had taken a crap.

Yeah. He was immature. Suck it up.

They received a stack of leaflets about proper pregnancy diet, exercising tips, sex positions (like, really?), and links to several different pregnancy support groups. Cas made grabby hands at them and leafed them quickly through with a narrowed stare, before placing them into his bag. Dean wasn’t sure why the alpha was so goddamn eager, but he couldn’t deny it was kinda cute.

After the standard inquires if they had anything more to ask, they said goodbyes and left the clinic with the date of their next appointment.

”How did you feel about it?” Cas asked, once they were out.

Dean opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, Cas shook his head.

”There’s one thing I don’t understand. Why would anyone have negative feelings about their pregnancy? I understand being overwhelmed and scared, but regretting it?”

Cas stopped to look at Dean, eyes open and vulnerable. ”You’re not having second thoughts, are you?”

Dean blinked and averted his eyes. ”No, ’f course not,” he said with a bland smile.

Cas gave him a brilliant, happy grin, scooped him under his arm, and gave him a loving kiss. When they continued walking on, Dean turned his eyes at his boots and decided it was well worth the lie.

 

* * *

 

A couple of days after the first sonogram, the nightmares started.

_Dean dreamed about being strapped on an obstetric bed with his abdomen exposed, with people in scrubs and masks hovering around him. Cas was there too, his blue eyes shining over his mask, his hand gripping Dean’s tightly. Before Dean had the chance to ask what the hell was going on, his abdomen started to bulge, like something attempted to get through. He tried to scream, except there was no sound. He could only watch with wide eyes, as the thing burst through his stomach into the doctor’s waiting hands._

_”Look, Dean!” Castiel crooned. ”It’s beautiful.”_

_The doctor pushed the thing to Dean’s face, and there was nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, because he was strapped on the fucking bed, restrained, and get that thing off my face, get it off, get it OFF, GET IT OFF —_

— And then he always woke up trembling, and barely made it to the toilet to throw up.

 

* * *

 

They decided to spend the Fourth of July at the park again, with a picnic and fireworks, like their tradition had been for several years now. Accompanied by Dean’s threat of _no-schoolwork-I’m-serious_ , Sam was bringing Kevin, and Benny had mentioned something about some girl named Andrea. This was the only time Benny had expressed anything about any kind of a relationship, and Dean was intrigued. Or course, mostly he was interested in seeing a girl who could pique Benny’s interest, but he couldn’t help being a little worried about how Andrea would react to his and Benny’s relationship.

Cas had, once again, prepared a metric fuckton of food, even though they had previously agreed on having potluck. But then again, they were going to feed both Sam and Benny, who could devour huge piles of food between them in a flash. Dean would’ve joined them except he had that… thing inside him. As it was, he still had difficulties eating, and he threw up every night after his recurring nightmare. Dean knew Cas was worried about his gauntness and exhaustion, but he didn’t have the energy to do anything about it.

Anyway, food.

They had coleslaw, potato salad, burgers, fruit salad, and muffins. They had decided to take an instant grill with them, despite Sam’s half-hearted protests about greener choices, although his objections died as soon as he realized that Kevin brought paraphernalia for s’mores. Watching Sam and Kevin fuss around the barbecue, Dean rolled his eyes affectionately. Seemed like s’mores had won over Sam’s hippie ideology, at least on the Fourth of July.

They had agreed on meeting at two, but Benny and Andrea arrived a little late. Dean forgave them as soon as he saw the pecan meringue pie Andrea brought with her.

”I think I’m in love with your girl,” Dean sighed at Benny.

Benny snorted. ”You couldn’t handle her even for a minute.”

Dean raised a brow. ”Oh? And you can?”

”I’ve had a very good teacher.”

”Oh fuck you, honey,” Dean grinned.

”Thanks, but no thanks. I’ve upgraded.”

Dean burst into laughter and lurched to hug Benny tightly. He tried to make it short for Andrea’s sake, but when he was about to pull off, Benny tugged him closer, giving him the standard full-body Benny-hug.

Dean let out a breath and burrowed his face in Benny’s neck. Fuck, but he had missed Benny! His friend had been pretty much absent for over a month, busy with his job and Andrea, and Dean had felt abandoned and alone. And, consequently, irritable because he missed Benny.

”How are you, chief?” Benny asked softly, ducking his head to look at him.

Dean shrugged, avoiding Benny’s eyes.

Benny tsk-ed and shook his head. ”You don’t look so good. You’ve lost weight and your scent is off. What’s going on?”

Dean turned to look at the others. Andrea was helping Cas with the food, and Kevin and Sam were still geeking over the s’mores, although Kevin did glance at their direction.

”Andrea knows about us, and she’s okay with it,” Benny said gently.

Dean felt his shoulders drop with the disappearance of tension he didn’t know they had held.

Benny rolled his eyes, exasperated. ”Did you really think I’d pick a girl who didn’t approve of you? Dumbass,” he sighed fondly. ”Anyway, spill.”

Dean hesitated slightly, but the glint in Benny’s eyes told him that he didn’t have that much leeway. He huffed a breath and pressed his forehead against Benny’s shoulder.

”I’m having nightmares about the pup, and then I puke,” he mumbled.

”How often?”

Dean swallowed. ”Every night?”

”Every ni — Have you told Castiel? Of course you haven’t,” Benny sighed, without waiting for an answer. ”Dammit, Dean!”

Dean flinched. ”Sorry.”

”Don’t apologize to me! Honestly, Dean. This is serious! You can’t use me as some surrogate alpha and skip out of talking to Castiel. He’s your mate and the father of your pup. He needs to know.”

Dean cringed and squeezed his eyes shut. ”I know.”

Because he _did know._ He knew he should tell Cas about the nightmares, but he just _couldn’t_. Every time he opened his mouth to say something, he got an image of Cas’s horrified and disgusted face, and he nearly puked again. To spare them both, Dean had decided he could go through with this without involving Cas in his fucked-up headspace any more he already had.

”Stop cuddling and come to eat!” Andrea called out with a grin.

Benny finally let go of Dean, gave him a serious look, and repeated, ”He needs to know.” Then he wrapped his arm around Dean and walked him to others.

”Sorry that I stole Benny,” Dean smiled ruefully at Andrea, who waved her hand dismissively.

”Don’t worry. There’s plenty of him for both of us to hug,” she said and kissed Benny on the cheek.

Cas had gathered food on a couple of plates and was sitting with his back against a tree, his legs splayed open. Dean gave him a small smile and sat down to lean back against his chest. They sat, talked, and ate, and at some point Dean drifted off, securely wrapped inside his mate’s arms.

All in all, it was a great day: The company was excellent, the pecan meringue pie tasted heavenly, and the rest of food didn’t pale in comparison.

But when night came, Dean still threw up.

 

* * *

 

At his next check-up, he was scolded for losing weight. Too tired to watch his tongue, Dean snapped.

”Well, of course I’m losing weight! I’m puking my guts out every fucking night!” It came out as a snarl, and was met with shocked silence.

_Shit._

Glancing at Cas, Dean saw his alpha staring back at him with a stricken expression. Dean bit his lip and dropped his eyes to his lap.

”Why didn’t you tell me?” Cas’s tone was hurt and Dean could feel his betrayal over their bond.

Dean shrugged. ”I didn’t want to wake you,” he muttered. ”Besides, there’s nothing you could do anyway.”

”I could’ve been there for you!”

”Like how? Holding my hand? Yeah, that would be smart,” Dean huffed. ”Then you could fall asleep during your lesson because your mate can’t handle puking alone.”

”That’s not what I meant —” Cas started sharply, but fell silent when Dr. Elkins cleared his throat.

”I would like to talk to your mate alone, if it’s alright with you, alpha.”

Dr. Elkins phrased it as a polite question, but it was pretty clear that he expected Cas to leave the room without a fuss. It didn’t matter that Cas was an alpha: he was in an OIAA clinic and in the presence of an omega doctor. Where Dean’s health and pregnancy was concerned, Cas was the underdog here.

Cas blinked and looked between Dean and the doctor, obviously debating whether to argue or not. Then he deflated, nodded, and stood up.

”I’ll be right outside,” he said quietly, before he closed the door behind him.

Dean sat still, dreading what was to come.

Dr. Elkins got up, walked around his desk, and sat on the chair Cas had vacated. He leaned forward and cocked his head, looking at Dean with sharp eyes. Dean flickered a glance at him from the corner of his eye, and then dropped his gaze back into his hands.

”There’s no reason to sugarcoat this, so I’m just going to go ahead and ask: are you safe with your bondmate?”

”What?” Dean squeaked and whipped his head up to look at the doctor.

”You are stressed, Dean. You confessed that you throw up every night, and you hid it from your mate. You are obviously afraid of something,” the doctor reasoned.

Dean blinked and kept on staring at him.

”So, I’ll ask again: are you safe with your bondmate, or do you need help from the OIAA?”

”No!” Dean blurted. ”I mean — no, I don’t need any intervention. Jesus.”

He felt Cas’s anxiety spike and concentrated on calming himself. No need to make Cas worry more than he already did, let alone make him storm through the door and get himself thrown out of the clinic.

”Alright,” Dr. Elkins said. ”That’s good. Why don’t you tell me what you _are_ afraid of, then?”

For a while, Dean’s eyes darted everywhere but the doctor, and he wrung his hands and chewed his lip. Then he said, almost as a whisper, ”I think I’m going crazy.”

The doctor said nothing, just hummed under his breath. Dean blinked and braved a glance at him. There was no judgment, no disgust, just calm interest, and a small, encouraging quirk of an eyebrow.

”I’m having nightmares,” Dean forced himself to admit. ”Of an alien bursting through my stomach.” He swallowed. ”Every. Fucking. Night.”

Still no reaction except the silent hum.

”I’m fucking terrified.”

The doctor cocked his head. ”Did you know that if you place the early stage embryos of a human, a pig, a reptile, and a bird side by side, they look very similar?”

Okay — wait, what?

”Personally, I’ve always thought that the human fetus looks a lot like Skeletor. Or an alien. It’s no wonder that’s where all that ’stomach bursting’ alien lore got the inspiration from.”

Dean was officially lost.

Dr. Elkins sighed. ”Dean, it’s completely okay to feel overwhelmed, scared, and even freaked out,” he said gently. ”They are just feelings. You are allowed to feel them.”

Dean turned his head a little and blinked furiously at the sudden stinging in his eyes. There was an odd clench around his chest and a lump in his throat.

”Do you have anyone to whom you can talk about your fears?”

Dean shook his head mutely. If mom was alive, he would’ve talked to her, of course, but as it was, he was alone with his pregnancy. Yeah, sure Cas was there, but he just didn’t understand. None of his female friends were pregnant, and the only omegas he knew were Kevin, who was way too young, and Balthazar, which — weird.

”You know, I have six pups myself,” the doctor said wryly and grinned at Dean’s widening eyes. ”Well, what can I say?” He shrugged. ”The making-of is nice and the result is usually pretty cool, not counting the diaper shift or temper tantrums, of course. Anyway. The first time around, I was sure I was going to fail in everything and be the worst parent in all history. Well, I ended up making a lot of mistakes, but everything turned out okay.

”The second time I was mainly amazed that I was allowed to have another pup. I felt like I barely managed with the first one, and then someone had made a massive mistake trusting me with a new one. But I was confident that at least I wouldn’t repeat my mistakes.” He snorted. ”I was right: I didn’t repeat them, I made a whole lot of new ones.”

Dr. Elkins winked and Dean couldn’t suppress a grin.

”The point is: we are all more or less scared, but that’s okay. Being a parent is scary. It makes us try harder, to pay more attention. The moment you stop worrying about your mate or your pups and decide everything is perfect, that you don’t have to try anymore — that’s the moment when you should stop to think.

”Now. Suffering from paralyzing fear, like you are, is not good. A bit of healthy apprehension is good for every parent, but your situation is far from healthy, and you know it.”

It wasn’t a question, but it didn’t have to be. Dean knew the doctor was right.

”I’m going to make you an appointment to a psychologist, and —” Dr. Elkins raised his finger, ”— I expect you be there.”

”You’re sending me to a shrink,” Dean said flatly.

”I’m sending you to a person you can vomit on.”

The doctor shook his head at Dean’s frown.

”You are throwing up physically when you should be throwing up mentally. You are trying to force your feelings to stay still inside you, and, because of that, you are having nightmares and vomiting every night. And as long as you try to go on like that, it won’t get any better. Dean, let us help.”

Dean closed his eyes and swallowed.

He didn’t really have a choice.

”Okay.”


	11. Chapter 11

Castiel swallowed at the lump in his throat and rubbed his eyes. It was the middle of the night, but he couldn’t sleep. Despite his exhaustion, Castiel had been lying awake for hours, feeling restless, jittery, and on edge, not knowing what to do or how to calm down.

Careful not to jostle the mattress, he turned to look at his mate. Dean was sleeping on his stomach, a slight frown on his face. His breathing was even and Castiel decided to assume he was alright — at least for now. To make sure, Castiel leaned closer to scent him and even reached out for the bond, to reassure Dean’s sleep was peaceful. Satisfied, he leaned back, feeling slightly better, although it didn’t erase the underlying sense of defeat.

Closing his eyes, he thought back to almost a year and a half ago, before they had even started trying to conceive. After their crisis, after Cas had made him talk, Dean had exposed his fears and asked Castiel to not let him drown.

Yesterday, Castiel had learned that Dean was barely keeping his head above water.

Castiel didn’t understand how he had managed to screw up so badly, _again_. He had honestly thought that, after the pseudo-bondbreak and their conversation, they would heal together; they would find each other again and move on, especially after Dean had finally gotten pregnant.

He had thought he was doing the right thing, being so enthusiastic about the pup. He had thought Dean had been equally excited.

Obviously, he had been wrong.

Somewhere along the way, he had misread something, failed to listen to his omega, and, in the process, stomped right over Dean. In his own giddiness, he had, once again, forgotten how young Dean actually was and how deep his insecurities ran, despite everything Castiel had tried to do to make him understand his own worth.

He had thought he had been doing right by Dean.

Being proven wrong hurt like hell.

The day before, when Dean had let slip he hadn’t been sleeping due to nightmares, Castiel had felt betrayed and rejected. When he had understood what really had been going on, the feeling had soon dissipated, leaving a bitter taste of failure in his mouth: for some reason, Dean believed that Castiel would think of him as being broken, a second-grade omega, if he found out how Dean felt about the pup.

And Castiel would be lying if he said it hadn’t been a shock to find out that, to Dean, the pregnancy so far had been like incubating a hostile entity inside him, waiting for it to burst through his abdomen. But an even bigger shock had been the realization how Dean had bottled everything inside him to avoid upsetting his alpha.

After Castiel had been ordered out of Dr. Elkins’s office, he had paced back and forth in the corridor, never venturing far from the door. His mate had kept the bond in check, but, once he had felt Dean’s emotions flare, it had taken all his willpower not to barge in, OIAA clinic or not. But Dean had reined his emotions in and calmed Castiel over the bond. Resigned, Castiel had pressed his hand flat against the closed door, hung his head, and gotten a grip on his emotions before he had resumed his pacing once more.

While he had waited for Dean and Dr. Elkins to admit him back in, Castiel had thought about what he had done wrong, and how he had let Dean down. But no matter how hard and ruthless he was on himself, how carefully he combed through his actions, he hadn’t been able to come up with anything special that would have made Dean feel like he couldn’t trust his alpha.

His self-doubting had been interrupted when Dr. Elkins had opened the door and invited him in. He had re-entered hesitantly, hyperaware of Dean’s scent and slightly slumped shoulders, and the way he had avoided Castiel’s eyes. The doctor had pointed at the chair Castiel had been sitting on earlier, but the alpha had ignored him, kneeling in front of Dean instead.

”Are you alright?” He had asked, cradling Dean’s hands between his own, ducking his head a little to peer into Dean’s eyes.

Dean had blinked and swallowed, before he had drawn a ragged breath. ”No,” he had finally answered, and something inside Castiel had cracked.

They had stayed like that for a long while, Castiel kneeling on the floor cradling Dean’s hands, with Dean slumped forward, resting his forehead against Castiel’s. The alpha had tried to stay calm and exude safety and love through his scent and their bond, but he hadn’t been sure how much of it had gotten through Dean’s palpable distress.

At some point, they had become aware of the doctor, who had walked over to sit beside them. After gently asking for their attention, Dr. Elkins had explained to Castiel what Dean had told him while Castiel had been outside, and Castiel had been barely able to keep his calm. He had wanted to gather Dean into his arms, keep him safe, and never let go. He had been — and still was — angry at himself for being so selfish, blinded to Dean’s emotional turmoil, only concentrating on his own feelings.

”There are a couple of options on how to proceed,” Dr. Elkins had said. ”The most important and urgent thing is to set Dean up with an appointment with a therapist. He has already agreed to seeing one,” the doctor had added, when Castiel’s head had jerked up with incredulous shock.

”The doc says I need to vomit my feelings out to avoid puking every night,” Dean had muttered.

Castiel had nodded mutely.

”It’s important that Dean gets to talk about his feelings with an outsider. Not because he doesn’t trust or love you,” Dr. Elkins had reassured, ”but because he needs the chance to vent without fearing he’ll hurt your feelings.”

Castiel had closed his eyes for a moment, steeling himself. ”Is this why you have been more distant — because you didn’t want to hurt my feelings? Oh, Dean…”

Unable to hold himself back longer, Castiel had surged up to hug Dean tightly, pressing his nose on Dean’s neck to breathe in his scent and reassure himself. With a strangled sound, Dean had slid from the chair into his lap and buried himself as close as he could get.

Dr. Elkins had given them a moment, before he had cleared his throat. ”I would also recommend medication and couple’s counseling, but —”

Dean had interrupted him.

”You wanna put me on happy pills?” He had snapped from Castiel’s embrace. ”Fuck no!”

”Would you let me finish, Dean?” Dr. Elkins’s voice had been sharp, and Dean had stopped his protesting, opting to hide his face in Castiel’s neck to grumble under his breath.

”Medication isn’t an all-encompassing answer, and that’s not why I’m offering. If we could make depression and anxiety vanish with a handful of pills, the world would be a lot happier place, pun intended,” the doctor had pointed out. Then he had continued, more gently, ”The medication won’t fix you, Dean. But it would help to balance your brain chemistry and give you the chance to start fixing things by yourself. It’s a tool.

”If you break your leg and need crutches for six weeks, you’d use them, right?” Dr. Elkins had cocked his head, raising a brow at Dean. ”The crutches won’t replace your busted leg, but they will act as an aid to help your leg heal and grow stronger. It’s the same with the medication I’m suggesting. It’s not a quick-fix or a band-aid, but an implement.”

”Brain crutches,” Dean had said, doubt evident in his voice.

”At this point, I’d say more like a wheelchair,” Dr. Elkins had corrected dryly. ”But basically, yes.”

Dean had glanced briefly at Castiel, before dropping his eyes again.

”Yeah, whatever,” he had then said.

After that, the rest of the appointment had gone relatively easily. Dr. Elkins had handed the prescription to Dean, along with some general info leaflets about depression and pregnancy, as well as the contact info for a couple of therapists.

By the time they had gotten home, they both had been reeling with mental and physical exhaustion, barely able to do more than have a tired supper and head to bed. The appointment had been painful and emotionally taxing for them both, but while Dean had fallen asleep almost instantly, Castiel had stayed awake, too keyed up to relax.

Sighing, Castiel dragged his thoughts back to present.

Carefully, he reached out his hand to Dean and gently caressed the omega’s cheek. Dean was so beautiful, so precious, and Castiel’s heart ached with the weight of his love. His alpha longed to curl itself around its mate, to stay there and keep its family safe. He couldn’t hold in a distressed sound, and it caused Dean to stir slightly, scrunch his nose, and to turn to his side. Feeling the almost overwhelming need to be close, Castiel decided to be brave and scooted to spoon him. For a moment, he felt Dean tense a little in his sleep, and then his omega melted against his arms.

Castiel let out a relieved breath and buried his nose in Dean’s neck.

They had so much to fix.

 

* * *

 

When Dean started to whimper, Castiel was wrenched from the light slumber into which he had drifted off. Dean’s breathing had turned into panting, his scent was borderline panicky, and he was trembling in Castiel’s arms. The alpha didn’t stop to think but moved his hand to grip Dean’s shoulder tightly.

His mate woke up with a gasp, going stiff, unable to hear Castiel’s steady, soothing litany of words.

_”…it was a nightmare, it’s okay, Dean, I’m here, I love you, Dean wake up, we’re home…”_

For a fleeting moment, Castiel thought Dean would fight him, try to get away and run into the bathroom. But then Dean sagged, letting out a ragged breath. Carefully, Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean again, not confining, but firmly enough to let Dean know he was there, he wouldn’t go anywhere.

Under the flat of his palm, he could feel Dean’s heart racing wildly, and it took time for him to calm down and his breathing to even out. Castiel held him through it all, kept on whispering into his ear, feeding calmness and love through their bond.

When Dean was finally stable, Castiel started to stroke his sweat-matted hair, humming nonsense under his breath, and peppering kisses on his neck.

After some time, Dean drew a shuddering breath.

”You left me,” he said quietly. ”I gave birth to an alien, you took it, and then you left me.”

Castiel froze for a second, then resumed stroking Dean’s hair with slow, meticulous moves.

”I’m not going to leave you. Either of you. I’m here for you, no matter how you feel.”

Dean didn’t answer, but sniffed, turned around, and buried himself in Castiel’s arms.

”I love you,” Castiel repeated, stroking Dean’s back. ”I love you and our pup. Nothing you say or do will make me leave you.”

”Okay,” Dean whispered against his chest.

A good while later, Dean drifted off, hiccuping softly every now and then. Castiel didn’t sleep: his alpha was standing guard over its mate. He buried his nose in Dean’s hair to fill himself with his mate’s slowly calming scent and kept on stroking Dean’s back. He needed the tangible proof that Dean was _right there_ , in his arms, safe and secure.

Castiel’s mind was a mess, but there were two things his thoughts repeatedly turned to.

One: This had been Dean’s worst nightmare so far. The stench of his distress was so strong that Castiel had nearly gagged, and he knew there was no way he would’ve slept through it. And when he realized that Dean’s worst nightmare was Castiel abandoning him, Castiel had to restrain himself from squeezing Dean too hard.

Two: Despite all that, Dean hadn’t thrown up.

 

* * *

 

Things slowly improved. Or at least Castiel fervently hoped so.

After some cajoling, Dean started his treatment of medication and therapy. They met with all the therapists Dr. Elkins had recommended, before Dean chose Dr. Turner, a gnarled tough-as-nails omega, who bluntly said Dean was a fucking mess as soon as he walked in. Dean had given him a flat stare and greeted him with a shit-eating grin and a cheery ’blow me.’ That had been the start of a successful doctor-patient relationship.

Castiel was sure Dean had just met his match in stubbornness.

Just to make sure everything went alright, Castiel accompanied him to the therapist for the first five times, using the time to plan lessons and grade papers. He didn’t want to dwell too closely on _what_ Dean actually talked about with his therapist, but the thick smell of guilt hovering around the omega told Castiel enough. He made a point to kiss Dean before he went in (whether it was in the beginning of the session or when Dean had stormed out in the middle of it) and hug him tightly after the session was over.

The medication had been the hardest part. Dean had an inherent distrust to all drugs, and the idea of somehow altering his brain chemistry was violently disgusting to him. It took several long and stern discussions with both Castiel and Dr. Elkins to get him to agree to trying them out. In the end, it took Dr. Elkins bluntly saying that Dean was doing no favors to the pup if he allowed himself to slide into psychosis, just because he was being stubborn and refused to take care of himself.

To be honest, Castiel felt guilty watching Dean gingerly swallow the pills every morning. He knew the medication wouldn’t harm either Dean or the pup, but he felt too much like he had forced Dean to do something he didn’t want for himself. It was something Castiel had promised himself never to do — to abuse his power over his mate. To allow Dean to slowly succumb further into depression, however, wasn’t an option either.

From the bottom of his heart, Castiel wished he could take Dean’s burden from him, to clear his mind, and give him the chance to enjoy his pregnancy. His mate genuinely loved being around kids: he had no difficulties throwing himself into role-play or games, or acting out all characters himself while reading Shrek.

Castiel wished Dean’s journey to meet his own pup had been easier.

On top of everything else, Castiel felt bad for Sam. With Castiel being so wrapped up in Dean, the young alpha had been shoved aside to manage the summer on his own. Even though he knew it hadn’t been intentional, Castiel was ashamed, and tried to make time for Sam.

Fortunately, Sam had Kevin so he hadn’t been completely alone.

Also, once again, Sam had proved to be far more mature than his years indicated.

”Hey, don’t worry about me,” Sam said one morning, when Castiel apologized for ignoring him. ”Dean’s not well and…” Sam rubbed his face and sighed.

”Look, I don’t even pretend to fully understand everything that’s going on. I mean, I like Kevin, a lot. Even though we’re not mated, I have these urges to look after him, and the more I spend time with him, the less I want to let him go. If it was Kevin instead of Dean —” Sam swallowed and shook his head. ”God, Cas. I don’t know how you’re even functioning!”

”I’m… managing,” Castiel said quietly into his tea mug.

”Just take care of yourself, okay?” Sam’s earnest eyes bored into Castiel’s. ”You’re no good to Dean if you crack.”

Castiel inclined his head a little and clutched his mug.

”You know…” Sam started hesitantly.

Castiel glanced at him. Sam was chewing his lip, a frown between his brows.

”If you want to talk, I’m here, okay? In all honesty, I think you should talk to someone else. I’m too young and too close. But… if you need me, I’m here.”

Castiel dropped his eyes to his mug and blinked several times.

”Thank you, Sam,” he finally managed, his voice hoarse.

Sam flashed a quick smile, finished his breakfast in silence, and took off to meet Kevin.

Castiel sat still for a moment, glanced upward in the direction of the bedroom where Dean was still sleeping, and contemplated Sam’s words carefully. There was truth there, and, as much as Castiel would’ve wanted to keep on believing he didn’t need to talk to someone, he already knew better.

Losing Dean, one way or another, would break him. And, without _him_ , Dean was lost.

 

* * *

 

With Fall, Castiel’s days were soon filled with lesson plans, teaching, tutoring, and grading. Usually, he enjoyed pouring his knowledge and experience in his work, but his good mood was significantly dimmed with worry about Dean.

When he considered his new students, Castiel thought long and hard whether to tell them anything personal when introducing himself. In general, he wanted to keep his private life private, but he also knew that if Dean’s condition took a turn for worse, he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on his work as well as he should. It would be only fair that his students knew the reason he was upset.

Also, he already knew he had all four genders in his class, and, even though any kind of discrimination was frowned upon, he was aware that his domestic situation might affect how he treated his omega students.

After consulting the faculty head, he had decided to come clean and tell his students, just to make things easier for everyone. He had offered them the short version of _”After a long and stressful trying we are finally expecting, and due to my mate’s exhaustion I might be preoccupied or even absent at times,”_ combined with _”That doesn’t mean you have a free pass to slack off.”_

He had expected some kind of a reaction, but he honestly hadn’t thought he would be on the receiving end of genuine concern and well-wishes. It was both confusing and endearing. Apart from his little family, no-one had actually been that concerned about his wellbeing or understanding about his wavering concentration before.

”They’re just enchanted you are actually human,” Balthazar commented dryly one afternoon, when Castiel had once again assured a concerned student that both he and his mate were alright, thank you.

Castiel frowned. ”Why wouldn’t they think I’m human?”

”Cassie, please,” Balthazar snorted. ”Teachers are somewhere between aliens and androids, and definitely not normal humans with common problems.” He paused and gave Castiel a speculative look. ”It might actually do some good for the alphas in your classes, you know?”

”What do you mean?”

”Hormonal alphas in their early twenties? Not the most sensitive blokes, I assure you,” Balthazar reminded him with a raised brow. ”Your obvious concern about your pregnant mate might just remind them that it’s alright for an alpha to actually _feel_ too.”

”Oh.”

He hadn’t thought about that. But if he could act as a role model, to draw something good about him and Dean’s situation, it might be good.

Balthazar was silent for a while. Castiel was almost sure he had already concentrated on other things, when the omega touched him lightly on the shoulder.

”How are you holding up?” Balthazar’s voice was soft and there was genuine concern in his eyes.

Castiel closed his eyes and shook his head. ”I’m… I don’t know. At the moment I’m managing,” he said, repeating what he had said to Sam weeks ago. ”Dean is slightly better, I believe, with his medication and therapy.”

”You believe?” Balthazar’s tone was incredulous and his brows had shot up.

”Dean is… very good at concealing his true feelings,” Castiel said carefully.

They had brushed Dean’s condition several times, but Castiel had never told Balthazar what was really going on. Even though he knew he could trust Balthazar, something made him hold back.

Balthazar sat heavily on the chair beside Castiel’s desk. The alpha cocked his head to take a long look at the man. Balthazar was obviously anxious about something.

After a moment, Balthazar drew breath and said, quietly, ”I can’t help but feel responsible.”

Castiel blinked. ”What are you talking about?”

Balthazar leaned his elbows to his knees and stared at the floor. ”Dean decided he wanted pups almost right after your crisis didn’t he? And my quipping about my abortions didn’t exactly help.”

Castiel shook his head. ”I was just as worried, but he insisted it wasn’t about jealousy or the need to prove being a proper mate. This is… well.” He paused and sighed. ”This has roots way deeper than our crisis.”

Balthazar didn’t comment, but looked Castiel long and hard, before he nodded sharply.

”I told him he’s unbelievably brave, you know?” Balthazar said with a stilted smile after a short moment of silence. ”Back then during that Thanksgiving dinner. I told him that I’d never met an omega like him, so full of spirit, determination, and heart.”

He raised his head to look at Castiel in the eye. ”Despite my diplomas and degrees, I’d never be able to go through what he’s going through right now,” he said softly. ”I truly hope everything goes alright. You two deserve it.”

It took a good while before Castiel managed to get his emotions under control. ”Thank you,” he said thickly, hoping his wobbly smile conveyed his gratitude.

 

* * *

 

Sometimes, it was hard to keep track of Dean’s moods. The further into pregnancy, the more his temper flared. After a couple of weeks, Castiel stopped trying to predict his mate’s mind altogether and decided to go with the flow. If Dean needed Castiel to be a calm rock he could storm against, then it was what Castiel would be. Besides, it seemed that Dean himself was just as confused and even slightly apprehensive about the mood swings as Castiel was.

Busy with more pressing matters, they had had very few discussions about where the pup would sleep, let alone anything else pup-related. As far as Castiel was concerned, there was only one real option: with their house being so small, the pup would sleep in their bedroom until Sam moved out.

At some point, Castiel had made the mistake of reading baby magazines, only to shove them away, disgusted that they marketed a separate nursery away from the parents as the normal and proper option. The idea of putting their pup into another room, alone, made shivers run along Castiel’s spine. He wanted his family close, in the same bed with him, where he could watch over them.

The thought of _my family_ hit Castiel hard one night, while he was once again lying awake, watching Dean sleep. Dean was sleeping on his side, other hand under his chin, the other splayed over his lower abdomen. His belly had started to swell, and, to Castiel, it was fascinating.

When awake, Dean ignored his belly with determination that was impressive, but when he was asleep, he eventually curled on his side, his hand protectively over his stomach. Castiel liked to think that, during his sleep, Dean’s omega side surfaced more, showing its true feelings about the pup. He only hoped that, with time, Dean’s conscious mind would also learn to accept and love the pup.

The therapy had helped, and Dean no longer smelled so strongly of guilt after the sessions, which helped to ease Castiel’s mind. With his condition slowly improving, Dean had reduced his meetings with his therapist to once a week instead of twice a week, and had already agreed on continuing the medication until well after the pup was born. It would help him to adjust into the new hormonal changes better.

Over the months, Castiel had continued massaging Dean, and he still left his love notes all over for Dean to find. Without being too obvious, he had made a point of showering Dean with affection, to kiss and caress him, and tell him how beautiful he was, without expecting anything sexual in return. He sensed that Dean was feeling awkward about the pregnancy and his changing body, but Castiel sincerely hoped his encouragement would help Dean to overcome his insecurities.

As he looked at his sleeping mate, his eyes fell on the bondbite on Dean’s neck. It occurred to Castiel that it was September and his 46th birthday was fast approaching along with the 6th anniversary of their bonding.

He wondered if Dean would be amenable for celebration.

Smiling softly, Castiel reached out and gently placed his hand beside Dean’s to rest on the omega’s stomach. He felt grateful that they were here, him and Dean, with their pup steadily growing inside his brave mate.

Dean twitched in his sleep, sighed, and moved his hand to cover Castiel’s. The alpha closed his eyes and lightly pressed his forehead against Dean’s.

Perhaps everything would be alright after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> • The nightmare was mine.  
> • The concept of "brain crutches" isn't my idea, but a term a friend of mine used to explain her kids why she was going to be on medication for the rest of her life.


	12. Chapter 12

Dean stood in front of the mirror and stared.

There was a guy in there, a bit over 6 ft, reasonably well built, with light brown hair still wet from the shower, and freckles running from his nose and cheeks to his chest. He had a straight nose, plush lips, and, as it would seem, a definite stubble to shave. Dean didn’t look into his eyes, but took a deep breath and dropped his gaze lower instead.

Yeah. There it was.

In the mirror, he saw a rounded belly, with stretch marks and a dark line (or ”linea negra” as Cas called it) running from the navel toward the crotch. From the front, the belly wasn’t that prominent yet, at least not at this stage of pregnancy. Slowly, he turned sideways, the guy in the mirror imitating his movement, and the belly became visible.

For a good while, Dean didn’t move at all, just stared at the figure in the mirror. The swollen stomach curved forward, dragging the spine with it, and molded the figure vaguely s-shaped. It looked gross, but somehow beautiful at the same time.

Hesitantly, he reached out with his hand and pressed it against the belly, resting it there, feeling how the skin stretched over the growth inside. He swallowed and slid his hand slowly down, trailed along the gentle curve, let his fingers splay wide to cover more, and come to rest on the underside of the belly, like he was supporting it.

Still staring at the mirror, Dean put his other hand on the belly too, and cocked his head at the image. His hands were big, the stretched-out fingers covering a lot of skin. They were positioned in mirroring images, the belly gently cradled in between them, like it was something precious.

He stayed like that for a moment, frowning at the image of the pregnant omega in the mirror.His body felt so strange like this, being used as a shelter and a cradle. Foreign. Alien. And yet, it felt achingly familiar.

The dichotomy was unsettling.

After some time, Dean braced himself and lifted his gaze to look the guy in the eye.

His eyes were green, sad, and tired, and Dean felt a stab of regret for allowing them to become like that. The dejection and defeat in the green eyes was all his fault. As guilt washed over him, Dean let his eyes slowly slide shut, trying to escape the look his mirror image gave him.

Keeping his eyes closed, he turned away from the mirror, and hung his head. Slowly, tentatively, he opened his eyes to look at his hands still protectively cradling his belly, wondering how natural they looked like that. From the top, the belly was pretty big (Dean couldn’t see his toes without stretching, and he had lost the visual of his own cock some time ago), but it was kinda compact. Nice, almost.

The pup complimented him by kicking him in the kidney.

”Aww, fuck,” Dean hissed, gently rubbing his belly on the side of said kidney. ”That was rude.”

A soft sound to his side made him turn his head to see Cas leaning on the bathroom door jamb. The alpha looked tired, but his eyes were warm, and a soft smile played on his lips.

Dean wasn’t sure why, but having Cas walking in on him when he was ogling at his own naked preggers self, made him blush, and he ducked his head in embarrassment.

Cas didn’t say anything, though, he just stepped in, locking the door behind him. Then he closed the couple of steps separating them, stopped in front of Dean, and sunk on his knees.

Dean blinked and gaped. He had absolutely no clue what the hell Cas was doing.

The alpha looked at him intently, and, placing his hands gently and carefully on Dean’s belly, Cas leaned forward, pressed his forehead lightly against it, and sighed.

After a split moment of tension, Dean let himself relax. He closed his eyes, concentrating on the feeling of their hands on his belly; on Cas’s forehead leaning on him; on his alpha there, in the confined space of their bathroom; on their bond humming around them.

It was… nice. Comforting. Intimate.

Safe.

Dean wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, him standing and Cas kneeling, but he was slowly awakened from his drifting when Cas peppered gentle, loving kisses all over his abdomen. It wasn’t sexual — Dean knew Cas wouldn’t even expect anything like that — but he felt his cock react anyway.

Interesting — it was the first time in a long, long, time.

He knew the second Cas realized, because the alpha froze, then lifted his head to look at Dean.

”Dean, may I?” Cas asked.

His eyes were so full of emotion that Dean wasn’t sure where to look, so he just blinked and nodded.

Cas smiled and pressed a kiss on the belly. ”Thank you,” he said.

Dean wasn’t sure what Cas was thanking him about, but whatever it was, it was important to the alpha. He didn’t say anything but stood still as Cas trailed soft kisses along his skin, pausing to nuzzle his groin.

Cas’s hands trailed along Dean’s belly to his hips to support him, and, without a conscious thought, Dean’s other hand followed to lace their fingers together. Cas’s breath stuttered against his groin and his other hand tightened its hold on Dean’s hip, and their bond flared hot between them.

Dean hadn’t even realized he was fully hard before Cas swallowed him down. His arousal had gathered slowly, and he had been too preoccupied with the closeness and intimacy to actually pay attention to his cock. But now, enclosed in the wet heat of Cas’s mouth, Dean swayed, overwhelmed, and, without Cas’s hand anchored on his hip, he would’ve stumbled. Cas sucked him off gently, with unhurried moves, and when Dean came, it was with a tremor and a soft sigh.

Cas held him through it, cleaned him up with kisses and soft licks, and rested his cheek against Dean’s belly when he was done.

”Thank you,” he said again, after Dean’s breath was once again even.

”Uh, shouldn’t I be the one doing the thanking?” Dean asked, a bit incredulous.

Cas shrugged and offered him a serene smile. It changed abruptly, when the pup kicked him in the cheek.

Dean couldn’t help but giggle at Cas’s flummoxed face.

”Yeah, your dad’s a bit weird,” he said fondly and rubbed the belly a little.

He glanced at Cas with a small grin, but his mate’s stunned face stopped him. Dean wasn’t sure what he had done, but he had no time to wonder, because Cas shot up and kissed him fervently over and over again, before he hugged Dean as tightly as his belly allowed.

Later that night, when he was once again securely cradled in Cas’s arms, Dean realized it had been the first time he had touched his belly fondly and actually talked to the pup.

”Huh,” he huffed out loud and put his hand on his belly.

Perhaps they would be alright after all.

 

* * *

 

”Excuse me? Are you Mr. Novak’s mate?”

Dean’s head jerked up in surprise.

It was late September. Cas’s birthday and, consequently, their anniversary had been just a couple of days ago. Dean had thought to come to meet Cas and see if he could persuade the alpha to leave early. Unsure which of the classrooms was Cas’s, he had stopped in the middle of the corridor. The walk from home had been surprisingly taxing: Dean was tired, his groin ached (fucking joints), and he was leaning on the wall, waiting for Cas’s lesson to be over, because there were no chairs in the hall.

For the life of him, he didn’t understand why someone wanted to know about who his mate was?

”Uh,” he answered eloquently, squinting at the perky brunette smiling at him.

”Oh, I’m sorry. I’m Paige. I’m second year in your mate’s class.” The brunette offered her hand and Dean shook it, just to get it over with.

”Okay. Hi, Paige,” Dean greeted with a wane smile. He shifted his weight and winced at the flare of pain.

Paige narrowed her eyes at him. ”Are you okay? Mr. Novak’s told us you’ve been exhausted. Are you sure you should be standing around here?”

Dean blinked slowly. ”’Mr. Novak told you…’ what, exactly?”

”Nothing personal, don’t worry,” Paige reassured with an eye-roll. ”He just told us that getting here—” she waved her hand vaguely around Dean’s middle, ”— has been a long journey, that you’re exhausted, and if he’s absent-minded, it’s because he’s worried about you.”

”Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Dean muttered.

”Yeah, well. It’s none of my business, although I think it’s cute,” she shrugged. ”But in any case, I’d really, _really_ like to get you to sit down, okay?”

She waved away Dean’s protests, turning around towards an open classroom door bark at some guys to bring Dean a chair. It took the guys a moment to move, but eventually they did when she colorfully told them off.

The lady had quite a vocabulary. Dean could respect that.

When one of the guys brought the chair over, he dropped it beside Dean with a sneer. Dean took a quick look and gave a mental sigh. He was probably one of thoseultraconservative, religious alphas who thought omegas were better off out of sight, especially when pregnant. Dean made sure to thank him politely, though, before he sat onto the offered chair with a relieved sigh. Perhaps Paige had been right, not that he would admit it at the brunette’s raised brow.

When she ordered the alpha to get Dean something to drink, both Dean and said alpha protested.

Paige would have nothing of it.

”With all due respect, shut up,” she said to Dean. ”You’re pale and your hands are shaking. And you —” she turned to the sneering alpha, ”— be a good pup and go get a pregnant omega a bottle of soda.”

Dean tried to minimize the damage by offering an apologetic smile. The alpha ignored the smile, gritted his teeth, but went to get him a bottle of soda anyway.

What Dean didn’t expect, though, was the bottle being impatiently tossed at him, when the alpha returned. Dean had no time to react, and the bottle hit his belly and bounced off.

There was a moment of shocked silence, and then Paige turned to the still sneering alpha and started practically screaming murder at him.

It took less than a minute for them to get an audience. Dean closed his eyes and sighed. Fuck this; he had just wanted to come and remind Cas of their anniversary.

”What the bloody hell is going on here?” Balthazar’s voice cut through the clamor.

Dean didn’t bother opening eyes, just listened to Paige explaining what had happened. His felt dizzy and there was an odd sense of floating. Vaguely, he felt Cas’s concern through the bond, but didn’t react to it. He sat still, hugged his hands on his belly, and concentrated on his breathing, ignoring the noise around him.

When Paige reached the point of the alpha student tossing the bottle at Dean, Balthazar interrupted her.

”Ms. Morton, would you please repeat that?”

”I asked him to get a bottle of soda for the pregnant omega here.” Dean noticed Paige didn’t use Cas’s name. ”After some complaining, he did that. He didn’t hand the bottle over, though; he tossed it. It hit him on the belly.”

”Did the alpha specifically aim for the belly?” Balthazar’s tone was icy.

”No, Mr. Roché. I don’t think he’s that stupid.”

”Lucky bastard,” Balthazar snarled. ”Ms. Morton, could you go and fetch Mr. Novak from class, please. And I’d recommend not to alarm him too much. I don’t want to deal with full-blown protective rage in here.”

Dean heard a gasp and hurried steps running away, then there was a gentle hand on his shoulder.

”Dean? Are you okay?”

Dean opened his eyes to meet Balthazar’s concerned frown. ”Yeah. Just tired as fuck.”

”And the pup?”

”Uh, what about the pup? The bottle didn’t hit that hard.”

Balthazar sighed and handed him the bottle. ”Drink this. You’re pale and the sugar would prompt the pup to move some.”

Obediently, Dean downed half of the drink at one go. It was cool and sweet, and calmed his nerves. Then he felt Cas’s rage bloom, and his eyes blew wide. By the look in Balthazar’s eyes, he guessed the older omega knew what was about to happen.

”Don’t even think about leaving,” Balthazar snapped at the young alpha. ”If you insist on acting like some medieval swine, you better be prepared to face the consequences!”

It was all Balthazar had time to say, before they were hit with the scent of an enraged alpha. The thick smell of fury preceded Cas and made every male blanch and sway, and even the female students paled some, but Cas paid them no heed. He made a beeline to Dean, sank on his knees, his hands hovering over Dean’s belly.

As the alpha looked up to meet Dean’s eyes, Dean’s breath hitched at the raw fear in them.

”Hey, I’m fine. We’re both fine, okay? There probably won’t even be a bruise,” he reassured softly.

Cas squeezed his eyes shut and rested his forehead against Dean’s belly carefully, barely touching him with trembling hands, fighting to get himself under control. Dean stroked his hair gently, shaken by Cas’s reaction. The air was tense and, around them, the students and teachers alike barely dared to breathe.

When Dean felt Cas switching from a distressed mate into a furious alpha, he let his hands drop. As Cas rose slowly up, the brief glimpse Dean got of his eyes reminded him of that moment years ago, after the fire, when Cas had gone feral. But this was something lot more dangerous. Cas back then had been acting on pure animal instinct, but now, Cas was in full control and perfectly attuned with his alpha side.

This Cas was not an animal; he was an executioner.

Dean cocked his head and watched as the young alpha realized what exactly he was dealing with. As Cas stalked closer and the scent of furious alpha concentrated around him, Dean was pretty sure the young alpha would actually piss himself.

”I don’t give a damn about your opinions,” Cas said with an absolutely chilling voice. ”But if you think that disrespecting a pregnant omega in public is a wise move to make, you are grievously mistaken.”

”I didn’t disre —”

”You _threw_ a bottle at my _mate_ ,” Cas snarled.

The young alpha went white and Dean felt the hair at the back of his head stand up at the barely controlled rage in Cas’s voice.

”Cas,” he said softly, reaching out both with his voice and through their bond.

Cas didn’t turn, but he tilted his head a little, acknowledging he had heard Dean.

”You are a lucky, lucky man that my family is unharmed,” Cas gritted out. ”In any case, this incident is going to your record. Your utter lack of manners toward an omega is a disgrace, and the omega being pregnant makes your behavior even more appalling. You are going to be under a very close supervision. I suggest you use the rest of your time in college to contemplate your existence with great depth.”

As Cas turned to walk back to Dean, the young alpha grabbed his arm.

”You can’t do tha —” he started, bewildered, but didn’t get any further, when he was slammed against the wall, Cas’s hand around his throat.

”You stupid pup,” Cas snarled. ”Do you have any idea what I’m legally allowed to do to you?”

Faced with the full-blown fury of a mature alpha protecting his mate and pup, the young alpha’s conscious mind shut down. He turned his head to bare his throat and pissed himself in show of complete submission. Cas held him still, growling from deep within his throat, barely holding himself back.

Dean had had enough.

He pushed himself up with a stifled groan, waddled (fuck his condition and _fuck_ the joint pain!) to Cas, forcibly turned his alpha’s head, and pulled his nose against his neck.

”Let go of him, Cas,” he murmured into Cas’s ear. ”Let go of him _now._ I’m tired and I want to go home.”

After several deep inhales, Cas gave a sort of a full-body shiver and relaxed, dropped his hold on the young alpha’s throat, and sagged against Dean. Dean grunted, because managing his alpha as an extra weight was just enough to make his back scream in agony. To get his mate to stand up or at least on his own two feet, Dean poked Cas in the ribs.

”Well, that was swell. Now that you’ve had a practical demonstration about How To Irritate An Alpha, I’d suggest you never act on it,” Balthazar said from somewhere behind Cas.

Dean snorted and petted the nape of Cas’s neck, encouraging him to keep on breathing in Dean’s scent.

Balthazar called them a cab and ushered them out of the building to the curb, promising to take care of everything.

During the whole ride home, Cas made an excellent impersonation of a touch-deprived octopus. Dean was okay with that. Even though the bottle hadn’t hurt, he was shaken. He felt unsafe, violated, and he just wanted to curl into the safety of his mate’s arms.

As soon as they got home, Cas steered them to the bedroom and proceeded to rid them of their clothes as fast as possible. Dean rolled his eyes but helped anyway. Their clothes would probably stayed in better shape if he removed them, instead of letting the distraught alpha rip them off.

After getting them naked, Cas guided Dean into bed and went over his body inch-by-inch, checking it for injuries, effectively scent marking him thoroughly in the process. Lying slightly on his side, Dean sighed, and melted into the mattress.

Being in the center of Cas’s undivided attention again felt awesome. Sure, they shared the bed and slept naked, but, apart from the massages, there had been very little of _any_ kind of action lately. The blowjob Dean had received a couple of weeks ago had been the first and last act of sexual intimacy in a long while.

Dean frowned. He wasn’t exactly sure what had driven them into the dry spell, but he knew his mental state had played a big part in it. Things still weren’t normal, but they were getting better. As much as he hated admitting it, he had needed both therapy and medication, and would probably need both for a while yet.

And it had been so, so long since he had last wanted Cas near him. He still wasn’t even sure if he really wanted Cas close, but at least he _wanted to want_ , which was a significant improvement.

”Dean?”

Dean blinked. Cas was hovering over him with a concerned frown.

”Are you alright? You went… away.”

Cas reached out his hand to touch his cheek but hesitated. Before he could pull back, Dean took Cas’s hand and kissed the palm. Cas’s eyes went wide and then they softened.

”Would you knot me? Please?” Dean whispered.

He didn’t like how his voice sounded timid and vulnerable, but he forgot all about it when their bond flared with love and lust, like his alpha had been holding his feelings back. Cas didn’t say anything, but he kissed Dean with such tender passion that there really was no question about his answer.

The alpha reached out to rummage for lube, then he stood back on his knees and _looked_. Dean wanted to squirm under the weight of his stare, to escape it. He didn’t deserve it, the open and unquestionable love and adoration shining through Cas’s eyes.

”You are beautiful,” Cas breathed. ”You are strong and gorgeous and… _God,_ I love you!”

Cas crawled over him, kissed his way from his throat down to his chest, to the over-sensitive, swollen nipples, trailed a row of kisses over Dean’s belly to his groin.

Dean was pleased to realize he had grown hard, and he groaned as Cas kissed his way along his cock.

Still laying on his side, Dean hitched his leg up to give Cas better access, and the alpha growled in appreciation. To Dean’s surprise, he felt a gush of slick trickling from his ass, and, jerking with amazement, he nearly kicked Cas in the head. With wide eyes, he stared at Cas, who lifted his head from Dean’s cock with a smug smile. Dean rolled his eyes, but he knew Cas felt his relief and contentment through the bond. Flopping back on the mattress, Dean hitched his leg up again, and lost himself into the love of his alpha.

When Cas finally pushed in from behind him, it was like coming home. Dean felt the slight weirdness of artificial lube, but the feeling was soon forgotten, because everything was about Cas deep inside him, Cas’s arms wrapped around him, Cas’s teeth on his bondbite, Cas’s hand on his cock, Cas’s knot stretching him and filling him up — _Cas._

When Dean came, it was with a low groan, pulsing over Cas’s hand, Cas’s voice in his ear whispering endearments and declarations of love. And when he fell asleep, he was safely spooned in his mate’s arms, his alpha’s knot inside him, and their joined hands on his belly.

 

* * *

 

When the weather started to cool, Dean was fervently happy. He didn’t enjoy the fact that he didn’t fit in his jacket anymore, but that problem was solved with extra hoodies and a big-ass woolen scarf. During the summer, there hadn’t been any way to escape from the heat, and the bigger his belly grew, the happier Dean got with the cooling weather.

Of course, the weather did nothing to help with his aches. Several times, Dean wondered (bitched, as Sam said) how was it possible that he was meant to breed when he was practically an invalid with his ever-present joint pain, and who resembled a shitface-drunk duck while moving. Sam rolled his eyes and asked him to stop being a whiny bitch.

Neither of them mentioned how Sam hovered near, casually rubbed Dean’s swollen feet, or helped him to find a better position on the couch when his back ached.

As the year slowly neared its end, Dean grew more and more restless. He knew it was mostly his nesting instincts going haywire, combined with the natural I’m-growing-tired-of-this-shit of the late third trimester. They had refurnished their bedroom somewhat (or, well, Cas had refurnished and Dean had bossed him around from the bed), but with the confined space and their joint decision to co-sleep with the pup, there wasn’t much to do.

Fortunately, Thanksgiving gave Dean something else to think about, inviting Kevin, Benny, and Andrea over for dinner. To his surprise, Thanksgiving also acted as a spontaneous baby shower. Cas seemed genuinely amazed and touched about the small, thoughtful gifts, but Dean was suspicious about the shifty air around Sam. He decided to let it lie, because, Thanksgiving.

Besides, Sam and Kevin gave the pup a set of rock’n’roll themed onesies and an Impala mobile, which was just awesome.

Due to the offspring squeezing his innards flat, Dean wasn’t able to eat as much as he’d have liked, which was a shame. Cas had, again, made a fuckton of excellent food, and Andrea had brought pie worth crying for. Way too soon, Dean was forced to admit his defeat and retreat to the couch. Benny followed him and helped him to lie down on his left side, his head resting on Benny’s lap and Benny's hand gently resting on his flank.

”What’s with the lying on the left side?” Benny asked curiously.

Before Dean had the chance to answer, Sam piped up, ”It’s to ensure the pup’s oxygen intake. Lying on flat on the back squeezes the big veins shut and causes what’s called a supine syndrome.”

”Thanks, midwife Samantha,” Dean snarked. ”Someday, you’ll be a fucking annoying alpha to your pregnant mate.”

By the bookcase, Kevin blushed bright red and his his face behind a tattered copy of Encyclopaedia Britannica. Dean bit his lip to hide his grin and glanced at Benny, who was smirking.

Benny opened his mouth to comment, but frowned when Dean’s belly went hard.

”What’s that?”

”Hmm?” Dean asked absently.

”Your belly. It went hard.”

”Oh, that. Braxton-Hicks, sorta training contractions.”

Benny narrowed his eyes at Dean’s belly.

Dean rolled his eyes. ”I’m not going to give birth on your lap.”

”You better not,” Benny huffed.

”Jackass,” Dean snorted. ”Help me up, I need to go to the bathroom. Again.”

With Benny’s help, Dean was able to get up. He brushed off the offer of help, reminding he could still go and take a leak all by himself, fuck you very much. He waddled slowly to the bathroom, wincing at the Braxton-Hicks on his way. He’d had a lot more of them lately, but Dr. Elkins had said it was normal. Apparently, some omegas got them for months, poor bastards.

He hadn’t really thought about the upcoming delivery. They had attended the birth courses the OIAA clinic offered, but if their experiences so far had taught him anything, it was to make no plans. Dean’s only wish was for Cas to be there, everything else was negotiable. As long as they all got through alive, everything was okay.

His mellow mood was wiped away in a flash when he saw blood in his pants.

”Cas?”

His call was barely more than a whisper, but the spike of fear through the bond was enough. He heard clatter from the kitchen as Cas dropped whatever he had in his hand, and a split second later, the bathroom door was wrenched open.

”Dean? What’s wrong?”

”There’s blood,” he said numbly, staring at Cas with wide eyes.

”How much? Are you in pain?”

Dean shook his head. ”Not much. No pain. But Cas, it’s only 35 weeks, it’s too early —”

”Yes, yes, we’re going,” Cas said softly, gripping Dean’s hand. ”Sam, please go get the red overnight bag from the corner of our bedroom. Benny, if you would be so kind and go start the Impala.”

Dean sat on the toilet seat, only vaguely aware of the activity around him. Cas’s voice was calm and steady as he called ahead to inform the clinic they were coming in, and only the tightness of his grip belied his nervousness. But it was okay. Cas was there, everything was going to be okay.

When Cas tugged gently, Dean stood up and let Cas help him pull his pants up and steer him out of the bathroom, to the door, and then into the back seat of the Impala. He felt oddly detached, like everything was happening to someone else. He was merely a passenger on the ride, and he had no idea who was at the wheel.

His only wish was that whoever was driving knew what they were doing.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for traumatic childbirth.
> 
> I was made aware that in the US you give birth on your back after having epiduralic. In Finland, midwives handle all births unless there's some crisis, and you're allowed to choose your position even after having epiduralic. Just... play along, okay? There's a reason why Dean doesn't want to be on his back.

To Castiel, the drive to the clinic was both too rushed and too slow at the same time. Benny drove fast but not recklessly, and Castiel trusted the younger alpha enough to leave driving to him and concentrate fully on Dean. Dean was sitting beside him, gripping Castiel’s hand with white knuckles, and staring straight ahead. Dean’s breathing was shallow and there was a slight sheen of perspiration on his upper lip.

”Dean,” Castiel called softly.

Slowly, Dean turned to look at Castiel, and the alpha swallowed at the lost look in his eyes. Dean’s eyes were huge and wild, and he seemed unable to focus. Castiel didn’t need the input from their bond to understand that Dean was overwhelmed and scared, and without saying more, Castiel tugged him closer, pulling Dean’s nose against the crook of his neck. It was just as much to placate Dean as it was to help Castiel ground himself: mutual scenting would ease the stress and calm them both.

Besides, it was more than an adequate reason to snuggle his mate close.

When they arrived at the clinic entrance, they were greeted with a female and an omega nurse with wheelchair. Benny opened the door and waited to the side as Castiel helped Dean out, before handing Castiel the overnight bag. Then he nodded once, and drove off.

Dean blinked at the wheelchair, but sat on it at Cas’s gentle prompt.

”It’s just until we know the situation,” the omega nurse, Keith according to his name tag, said. ”If everything is alright, you can get up and walk around if you feel like it. But for now, let’s use the chair, okay?”

”Yeah, okay,” Dean agreed with a weak smile, but from the lack of a wisecrack answer, Castiel knew he hadn’t really been listening.

They proceeded towards the delivery rooms to meet up with their doctor. Unfortunately, Dr. Elkins wasn’t on call, and they met with an unfamiliar female doctor. She seemed nice enough, and the examination was over quickly, and Castiel was grateful for Dean’s sake.

Despite thefact they were weeks early, they were proclaimed all green for delivery, without needing to give Dean a steroid injection to mature the pup’s lungs. According to the doctor, most pups born at 35 weeks were just as healthy as full-term pups, but they would most likely stay at the hospital for a couple of extra days for observation, just to be sure.

After inquiring if they wanted to ask anything (which they didn’t), the doctor nodded her goodbyes, leaving Castiel and Dean with Keith and the female nurse who guided them out of the examination room.

Keith smiled and nodded for them to follow. ”This room is reserved for you for your whole stay,” he said as he opened a door to a spacious suite. ”The bed is big enough for you both, or all of you, in case you wish to sleep with your pup. If you wish for a crib instead, Amanda and I will provide it after the pup is born.”

Castiel shook his head. They had talked about this. ”That won’t be necessary, thank you. We are planning on all sleeping together.” He didn’t think he imagined the barely-there approving nod.

”The fridge is fully stocked, but don’t hesitate to ask if you need anything,” Amanda said.

”At the early stages of labor, you can catch on sleep if you want to, or you can take a bath together. In general, hot water and massages work very well as a pain reliever. Of course, you can also stay standing and on the move if you feel like it,” Keith said. ”It’ll help you dilate and the pup move down. Just make sure to get some rest too.”

”Okay, whatever,” Dean said, a little breathlessly.

Castiel glanced at him and noticed his eyes were glassy and wide. Silently, he decided that at least some relaxation was in order to get Dean to calm down.

”The bell is here, just push the red button and either of us will come.” With encouraging smiles, Keith and Amanda left them, reminding them to call whenever they felt like it.

Castiel took a deep breath. ”Okay. What do you want to do?”

”Sleep,” Dean said after a pause. ”I just wanna sleep. Okay?”

 

* * *

 

Due to Dean’s deep distaste for drugs, they tried to manage with more natural pain relief methods for as long as possible. They tried walking, bathing, showering, massages, breathing, hot and cold compressions, acupuncture, and sterile water injections. The further along the delivery proceeded, the more distressed Castiel became when forced to witness Dean writhing in pain and refusing medicine. Castiel knew Dean had an exceptionally high tolerance for pain, but mental exhaustion and fear combined with physical pain was creating a vicious circle of agony with no way out.

After a day of slow progress, Dean was finally forced to admit he was at the end of his rope and concede on the epidural. He cried bitter tears of disappointment against Castiel’s chest, while Castiel tried to reassure him that he had been brave and he had failed neither him nor their pup by agreeing to the medication.

At the end, Dean was so exhausted that, when the epidural kicked in, he was out like a light. Castiel sighed in relief and used the moment of peace to take a quick shower, have a light snack, and text an update to Sam. The enthusiastic response made him smile fondly before he turned his phone off and crawled in bed to spoon his mate. The feel of the contracting muscle was amazing under his palms.

He couldn’t believe that they were so close meeting their pup!

Several hours later, when Dean woke up, he was instantly restless, and Castiel didn’t hesitate to call for help. Turned out that the epidural and rest had relaxed Dean enough to fully dilate, and the information nearly threw the omega into a full-blown panic.

”I can’t do this, Cas, I can’t I can’t _I can’t_ —” Dean babbled, staring wide-eyed at Castiel, gripping his hands with bruising force.

”Yes, you can. I’m here, Dean. I’m not going anywhere. We’re in this together.” Castiel kept his voice calm and held Dean’s stare.

It seemed to help a little, and Dean rewarded the alpha with a wobbly smile.

As the pup pressed lower, Dean absolutely refused to turn on his back, the position being an echo from his nightmares, Castiel figured. But since the doctor and nurses were professionals, they were used to working in various positions: an omega on his knees, leaning on his mate while giving birth wasn’t the most bizarre thing they had seen.

When Dean was given permission to push, Castiel held his breath. Nothing he had ever read could have prepared him for this: Dean’s scent, his breathing, his hands gripping Castiel’s forearms, their bond, and, finally, the clear scream of a newborn pup.

”Oh,” was all Castiel was able to utter, catching a glimpse of the squirming, tiny form from between Dean’s legs. The pup was still attached to Dean by the umbilical cord, and it was the ugliest and most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He raised his eyes to meet Dean’s tired gaze and gave him a watery smile.

He was about to lean in and kiss Dean when his mate went white, his eyes rolled around, and he slumped against Castiel.

”Dean!”

Something was happening behind Dean, but Castiel could only see Dean, his face pallid, and his breathing shallow. Castiel felt his alpha panic, claw its way to the surface to protect its mate. Then Dean was snatched from Castiel’s arms, and, on instinct, he growled.

”Alpha, calm down,” someone said.

Castiel shook his head to clear it. There was too much — too many people, too many scents, blood, _Dean_ —

Someone pushed something against his nose, gently but insistently.

Castiel took an involuntary breath and the pup’s scent filled his brain, clearing it like a bucket of cold water. He filled his senses with the pup, sunk into the fresh, bright scent, and let it wash over him, calming and grounding him in his distress.

When he felt a gentle touch on his shoulder, he blinked and glanced around. The doctor, Dean, and the nurses were gone, and only the stink of blood remained, seeping into his nose from around the pup. Castiel was still sitting on the edge of the bed, and Keith, their omega nurse, was holding his and Dean’s pup under Castiel’s nose, forcing the alpha to breathe in the scent of his newborn.

The pup whimpered softly and Castiel jerked to grab it.

”Not yet,” Keith said sternly. ”Take off your shirt, alpha.”

Castiel blinked, frowned, and narrowed his eyes.

Keith raised a brow.

Castiel removed his shirt.

Instead of the pup, Keith gave him a… tube cloth? Castiel opened his mouth, but before he had the question out, Keith interrupted him.

”It’s for your daughter,” the omega said. ”She needs skin contact and, for now, you are the only one able to provide it. The tube is to help you: it will keep her snug and secure, and you don’t have to worry about dropping her.”

”Okay,” Castiel nodded, wrestling the tube on. Then his brain caught up. ”Wait — We have a daughter?”

Keith smiled. ”Yes, alpha. You and Dean have a beautiful daughter.”

Together, they tucked the pup in the tube, snugly against Castiel’s bare chest. She nuzzled half-heartedly for a moment, then sighed and relaxed. Nodding his approval at Castiel, Keith showed him how to make sure her airways were clear and her hear properly supported. Then he removed the stained protective sheets, helped Castiel to lean back against the headboard of the bed, and gathered clean blankets around him like a nest.

”She needs you to keep her safe and calm as you wait for news about her daddy,” Keith said quietly.

Castiel twitched. ”Dean. Where’s Dean?”

His sudden move disturbed the pup, who let out a quiet mewl.

”Alpha, mind your pup,” Keith reminded him.

Instantly, Castiel cradled his hands carefully around the pup and dropped his nose against the pup’s head to scent her.

”Your mate started to bleed heavily almost as soon as your pup was born. Right now, he’s in surgery. I’ll inform you as soon as I know more.”

Castiel nodded numbly. Automatically, he reached for the bond and let out a relieved breath when he found it dull, but steady.

At least Dean was alive.

”Try to rest,” Keith said gently. ”I’ll watch over you.”

 

* * *

 

After what seemed like days, but what in reality was more like a couple of hours, there was a knock on the door. Keith went to the door and had a quick, quiet conversation with someone. Then he closed the door and walked to Castiel, a wide smile on his face. As the alpha saw the expression, he deflated, and let out a sob.

”The surgery is over. Your mate is alright,” Keith said. ”The doctor will talk to you shortly.”

A while later, the doctor entered. His senses hyperaware, Castiel noticed she had changed into clean scrubs, and he decided not to think about it too closely.

”Congratulations on your daughter,” the doctor said with a warm but tired smile.

Castiel nodded. ”Thank you. How’s Dean?”

The doctor sighed and sat on the edge of the mattress. ”I have both good and bad news.” She didn’t wait for Castiel to comment. ”The good news is that your mate is stable and out of surgery. The bad news…” She paused.

”Right after your daughter was born, Dean started to bleed heavily. As it turned out, his placenta was partially embedded inside his uterine wall, a condition that is usually detected during prenatal sonograms. In your case, the placenta was on the backside of the womb and your daughter effectively blocked the view. That’s why we were unable to see it in time. As a result, Dean’s placenta ablated, tearing the uterus.” She sighed. ”Unfortunately, we had no other choice but to remove his womb.”

The doctor rubbed her face and shook her head. ”Trust me, it’s not a decision we make lightly, Mr. Novak. In this case, it was about life and death.”

Castiel stared at the doctor, his mind refusing to process what he had just heard. He blinked and dropped his eyes to the pup — his daughter! — sleeping against his chest.

After a long moment, he asked, ”Is he going to die?”

The doctor looked him straight in the eye. ”I’m not going to lie to you. Dean lost a lot of blood and he is very weak. At the moment, he is in the ICU. But we have every reason to believe he will recover.”

The doctor stood up and gave Castiel an apologetic smile. ”Rest now, Mr. Novak. You have a daughter to look after. You will be escorted to see your mate tomorrow.”

Castiel was left resting in the now too-big bed alone with his daughter. Numbly, he texted Sam to let him know what had happened and turned the phone off again, reluctant to deal with the concerned texts while he had yet to see Dean. A while later, a new nurse brought him a tray with food and a bottle of donated breast milk to the pup and instructed how to feed her.

Night found Castiel awake, his daughter bundled beside him, mentally gripping his bond.

He was afraid to fall asleep, lest the bond would be gone when he woke up.

 

* * *

 

The following day, another omega nurse took Castiel and the pup to see Dean. Castiel felt small and useless, standing there in the small space outlined by curtains. Dean was laying on his back, hooked into monitors and IV-lines, an oxygen mask on his face. He was pale, so pale, and Castiel was afraid to touch him, fearing Dean would crack like glass.

”Do you hate me?” Dean asked, his voice distorted by the mask. His eyes were closed, but the tension and fear were obvious both in his tone and the lines of his body.

”Wha — Dean, why on earth would I hate you?”

Without opening his eyes, Dean turned his head away from Castiel. Had he had the strength to move, he would’ve probably curled away completely.

”Dean, please…”

”Didn’t they tell you? I can’t have more pups,” Dean said flatly. ”I hated this one from the start. I wasn’t okay. What if… What if this was my fault?”

Castiel gaped. ”Dean, _no!”_ He drew a deep breath to calm himself. ”You can’t cause something like that by being afraid. I love you. This wasn’t your fault!”

”Yeah, sure.”

Castiel gritted his teeth and walked around the bed to crouch and look into Dean’s face.

”Do you know what happened? Your placenta had grown partially inside your uterine wall and was ripped when the pup was born. That’s a medical fact, Dean. It wasn’t your fault.”

For a moment, Castiel leaned his forehead against Dean’s, physically and mentally exhausted, fervently wishing this was the lowest point of their hardships.

Hadn’t they already been through enough?

He was jolted out of his thoughts by a soft mewl from the pup cradled against his chest.

”What?” Dean whispered.

Castiel let out a watery laugh. ”That’s our daughter. We have a girl.”

Carefully, he extracted the pup from inside the tube. He had had some practice already, what with feeding and diaper changing, but he still felt like he could break the pup with his bare hands.

When the cool air hit the pup’s skin, her mewling turned into full-blown scream. Wide-eyed, Castiel and Dean stared at each other at a loss of what to do.

”Oh dear, is your dad too slow?” A gentle, chiding voice asked from behind Castiel. An elderly female nurse gave him a warm smile and stepped closer. ”Why don’t we get you warm and snuggly to your daddy’s chest?”

With gentle but firm hands, she guided Castiel to place their daughter on Dean’s chest, mindful of the stitches on his stomach, and tucked them both in with blankets. Almost instantly, the pup’s screams turned into watery sniffles, and then she started searching. As her parents watched with amazement, she scented Dean’s skin and determinedly started to crawl. It took a good amount of time, but she made it, finally managing to latch on his nipple.

Dean yelped as she started to feed, almost dislocating the pup.

”Shush now,” the nurse said and propped Dean a little with a pillow. ”She’s exactly where she’s supposed to be. And if your alpha stays to watch, you can sleep while she feeds.” She gave them a wide smile, nodded, and walked back to the nurse’s station. Castiel noticed she made a point of staying in their line of sight, to ensure she was there if they needed her.

Dean swallowed visibly, bewilderedly looking between the pup and Castiel. Then he raised his hand and very, very hesitantly stroked the pup’s back. He only managed a couple of caresses, before his hand started to shake and his lids drooped no matter how hard he fought to stay awake.

”Get some sleep. I’m here,” Castiel said and pressed a kiss to his mate’s temple.

”The pup…” Dean slurred, his eyes already closing.

”…Is exactly where she’s supposed to be,” Castiel reminded him, repeating the nurse’s words. ”Sleep, Dean.”

Castiel moved his chair closer to Dean’s bed and took Dean’s hand in his own. The pup had fed and fallen asleep on his daddy’s chest, and Dean, too, was sleeping.

Castiel stayed awake, held his omega’s hand, and watched over his family.

 

* * *

 

It became a pattern: Castiel took their daughter to Dean, helped her on Dean’s chest to scent, sleep, and feed, and he sat beside Dean’s bed until it was time to go. Then he took the pup, wrapped her inside the tube cloth and against his own chest, kissed Dean goodnight, told him that he loved him, and walked back to the room appointed to them. As long as Castiel was awake, the pup was on skin-contact with him, but he didn’t dare sleep like that. Instead, he swaddled her and slept with his daughter right beside him.

Slowly but surely, Dean got stronger and stayed awake for longer periods of time. Castiel never got around to ask how much blood Dean had actually lost, because he honestly didn’t want to know. He didn’t even have the energy to mourn the lost possibilities for another pup. He was grateful that his mate was alive, safe, and getting better. They had their beautiful daughter, and that was enough.

Somewhere deep in his mind, Castiel knew that, even if Dean hadn’t lost his womb, he probably wouldn’t have survived another pregnancy anyway.

”What are we going to name her?” Dean asked one day, gently petting the pup’s back.

Castiel wetted his lips. ”Ah, I have an idea,” he said tentatively.

Dean looked up at him, raising a brow.

”I was thinking about ’Rosa.’ In Latin, it means rose, of course, but it’s also ’dear’, ’sweetheart’, ’love’, and a general word of endearment. It’s nothing special, but I like it.”

Dean cocked his head. ”You’ve given this some thought, haven’t you?”

Castiel blushed a little and shrugged.

”Sappy alpha,” Dean muttered, but his tone was fond.

After a moment, Dean said shyly, “I like Rosa.”

Castiel’s heart nearly burst out of his chest at the surge of love he felt as he watched his mate slowly pet their daughter’s silky hair. Dean had been so dejected, so busy battling his depression that he hadn’t had the energy to focus on the pup. Now that he was bedridden, he finally had the chance to just to _be_. He was still very pale and very tired, but his eyes were no longer dull, and he had grown strong enough to hold their daughter — Rosa — for short periods of time.

“She’s beautiful,” Dean whispered, looking at their daughter sprawled on his bare chest.

 _You’re beautiful_ , Castiel wanted to say. _You’re beautiful, and brave, and alive, and I love you more than ever_.

His thoughts must’ve bled through the bond, because Dean glanced up and gave him a soft smile.

“How about her middle name? Do we want to give her a second name?”

Castiel shrugged. “If you want to. If Rosa is alright with you, I’m fine with anything you come up with.”

Dean nodded and pursed his lips. “I’d sorta like to name her after mom, you know? But mom was Mary, and Rosa Mary sounds like rosemary, and I don’t want our daughter to be a friggin’ herb.”

Castiel blinked, his brain a bit slow on the pick up. “Did Mary have a middle name?”

Dean chewed his lip. “Joanna,” he finally said.

“I like that,” Castiel smiled. “Rosa Joanna Winchester-Novak.” He nodded. “Sounds good.”

Dean stroked gently at the curve of Rosa’s ear. “Yeah. It does.”

 

* * *

 

As soon as he had been coherent enough, Castiel had informed Dr. Harvelle about the sudden turn of events. The faculty head had been understanding enough and told him that someone would oversee his midterm tests, although the grading would still be waiting for him by the time they were released. Castiel didn’t complain, knowing just how lucky he was to have colleagues to cover him.

When Dean grew stronger, he was released from the ICU and moved into the room Castiel had been resided in with Rosa. By joint decision, Sam had visited him in the ICU only very shortly, just to get a peek on his niece, and to see that Dean was alright. Now, with Dean stronger and Rosa’s initial imprinting done, they had the chance to have visitors over. Although, in all honesty, Dean was still weak and didn’t have the energy or mindset for entertaining.

Luckily enough, their friends and family understood.

One day, while Sam and Kevin were visiting, Castiel decided to run some errands. He didn’t have to worry about clothes, since Sam had been taking care of his laundry, but he went home first anyway, to sort out bills and deal with mail he had received. From there, he went to check in at his office at the college, and to meet with Dr. Harvelle to negotiate his duties for the spring semester.

Even though Sam had taken good care of the house while Castiel and Dean had been gone, arriving in the empty home was odd. The house was clean, kitchen spotless, and the laundry basket was empty, but with Dean gone for several weeks, his scent had grown weak and stale. It felt wrong, making him irritable. Fortunately, it wouldn’t be much longer until he could bring his family home. Castiel couldn’t wait to have Dean and Rosa there, to fill the house with noise and life.

Smiling, Castiel emptied his extra clothes from the bag into the laundry basket, and made his way into the bedroom.

When he opened the bedroom door, he stopped.

The bedroom had been transformed. It was painted in pale mauve and the bed had brand new sheets. There was a new baby blanket on Dean’s pillow, with a pair of baby-sized Converse placed on top. The old dresser had been painted bright white and the old knobs had been replaced with small plastic animals. On top, was a removable diaper changing stand and baskets filled with baby utensils.

Castiel was speechless.

He walked slowly in, touched the neatly folded baby blanket gently, and grinned at the dinosaurs, zebras, peacocks, German shepherds, and ducks screwed to the dresser drawers. They had talked about renovating the bedroom for the pup, but with all that had happened, they hadn’t had the time or energy to do anything.

He hadn’t even dreamed that Sam would decide to surprise them like this. It was still his and Dean’s room, but it now included their daughter as well.

It was perfect.

Just to test it, he pulled on the dinosaur to open the small upper drawer, and gasped. The drawer was filled with familiar purple, pink, yellow, and blue post-it notes. Blinking furiously, Castiel pulled the drawer out, walked to the bed, and sat on the edge of the mattress. Reverently, he reached out to touch the notes, dozens and dozens of them, filled with his own handwriting.

The drawer was full of his declarations of love he felt for Dean: of his devotion and commitment, of his promises to stay beside Dean, no matter what. When Dean had been at his worst, deep in the claws of his depression, Castiel had hidden the notes around the house for Dean to find: in the breadbox, under the coffee maker, behind his toothbrush, in the middle of his favorite book.

And he had always, _always,_ placed a note beside Dean’s hand early in the morning before he left for work, saying _I love you_.

And Dean had saved them all.

As he sat on the bed, gripping the drawer in his hands, Castiel let himself crumble and cry.


	14. Chapter 14

****Coming home was weird.

When Dean had last been home, he had had Rosa inside his belly, and now, well, she wasn’t. Instead, she was sleeping in her car seat, a spit bubble on her lips, and looking so fucking adorable that Dean thought his heart would burst.

Once again, Benny was acting as their driver, because Cas didn’t want to split his attention between Dean and Rosa while driving, and Sam had wanted to stay home with Kevin, making last minute adjustments for their homecoming. To prepare for being in the closed space together, Benny had come over a couple of times during the last week of their admittance, to get them all used to his scent. As much as he was unaffected by Dean being an omega, the cloud of hormones and sweet smell of milk surrounding him obviously proved to be almost too much for the young alpha, and the air inside Baby was a bit too tense for Dean’s liking.

Not that Dean blamed him. Over the years, Benny had been a good friend, but now, he was a non-familial alpha in close quarters with his pup, and Dean had no difficulties admitting he was a bit on edge with him being nearby.

Hormones, the nurses in the clinic had said.

As it was, hormones were making him batshit crazy. He wanted to keep Rosa on his skin like all the time, barely letting Cas bathe and change her, and even then, he hovered, wanting to make sure Cas did everything right. It was silly, really, because during Dean’s bedrest Cas had learned to handle Rosa with an ease that made Dean a bit jealous.

After three weeks, they had finally been released. During that time, Rosa had been under closer supervision than normal due to her being a preemie, and Dean had been treated like a delicate flower because his bits had decided to try and bleed him out.

Good thing that the college had offered Cas a month of parental leave with full pay, because Dean wasn’t sure what he would’ve done if he had been in the hospital alone.

Thing was, you never would’ve guessed how damn much you needed your abdominal muscles until they were severed and then stitched back together. Just coughing hurt like a motherfucker, getting out of the bed was a feat, and Dean didn’t even think about vacuuming. Nu-uh.

He had gotten permission to carry Rosa, and even that was with someone else watching over them.

Not that Dean had any plans of carrying his pup anywhere. No, he planned on burrowing under blankets with his daughter, and preferably with Cas in tow. _Nesting_ , the nurses called it, and Dean might have rolled his eyes, if he wasn’t so fucking eager to do it.

Friggin’ hormones and instincts.

Before Dean had even realized, they had arrived. Benny parked Baby with such care that Dean wanted to weep (hormones!), and he was pitifully glad that Cas was ignoring his sniffling, although the alpha probably knew exactly what a mess Dean’s head was at the moment.

Getting out of the car turned out to be a bit of a hassle, because, as good of a friend as Benny was, Cas couldn’t stand him helping out Dean, and Dean got nervous if Benny got too close to Rosa. In the end, Cas unbuckled Rosa’s car seat first, walked around Baby to help Dean out, took out the car seat, and finally hooked an arm around Dean to help him walk up to the door. It was awkward and clumsy, and Dean wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Before they made it even half way, the door slammed open and Sam barged out.

“Dean! Welcome home,” he grinned widely and reached out to take Rosa.

Despite himself, Dean tensed and bared his teeth.

Sam froze, averted his eyes, and waited.

Dean took a couple of controlled breaths. “Sorry,” he said. “I guess I’m still a bit jumpy.”

Sam shook his head. “Nah, it’s okay. I was too loud. May I carry Rosa inside, or do you want to do it yourself?”

Dean glanced at Cas, who gave Sam a long, speculative look before nodding tersely.

Sam gave them a grateful smile before he reached slowly out to take Rosa’s car seat from Cas. Dean watched raptly as his brother held the seat carefully and walked slowly inside in front of them, brow furrowed in concentration. In a split second, Sam’s body language had turned from a goofy teenager into responsible and careful alpha, and Dean felt so damn proud of his brother that his eyes welled up again.

 _Fucking_ hormones…

Slowly, they made it inside, and Cas took Dean straight upstairs while Sam walked ahead so the new parents could keep an eye on them. Dean made a half-assed attempt to grumble and protest, but in all honestly, he just wanted to crawl into his bed with his pup.

When they reached the bedroom, Cas took Rosa back from Sam, stood a little to the side and motioned Dean to open the door. Dean raised a brow, but shrugged and opened —

“What the fuck…?”

“Welcome home, guys,” Sam said softly from behind him.

Dean gaped at the changed room, before turning around. “You did this? For us?”

Sam ducked his head a little. “Well, me and Kevin,” he shrugged, with feigned nonchalance, but the color on his cheeks belied the truth.

Dean walked slowly inside, took in the pale color on the walls and the blanket and Converse on the bed. Then he saw the drawer with the animal knobs.

“Really? _That’s_ what you remembered from Ikea Hackers?”

Sam grinned.

 

* * *

 

Easing into the role of a parent is hard, Dean mused, as he lay awake, watching his pup and mate. Sometimes, Dean glanced surreptitiously around, unsure if he was awake or dreaming, because it just couldn’t be real, holding his daughter like that. Sometimes, it felt like he could barely manage to take care of himself, let alone be responsible for a new, tiny life. Who would be that crazy, to trust _him_ with a pup?

And sometimes, holding Rosa was the most natural thing in the whole world.

Cas was, of course, just plain amazing. Sometimes Dean pretended to be asleep, only to peek at his alpha from under his lids and marvel at how gently Cas handled Rosa: how he changed her diaper, soothed her cries, and slowly danced around the bedroom to put her back to sleep, to let Dean get some rest.

Yeah, Cas was fucking amazing. And perhaps that was the exact reason Dean felt bad for him. Again.

After the delivery, during his first day in the ICU, Dean had asked if Cas hated him. Cas had been furious that Dean even thought about being the one to blame, but Dean couldn’t shake the feeling of being responsible. Intellectually, Dean knew that him losing his womb wasn’t his fault, but his omega side blamed him for letting his mate down again. After all the hard work they had done, Dean had been able to give only one pup to his mate.

One freaking awesome and perfect pup, though.

Dean sighed.

He knew he wasn’t in the clear with his depression yet, not by far. No matter how much he wanted to, Dean knew he couldn’t quit either his medication or his therapy. The pregnancy had taken its toll and, despite the happy ending, the delivery had been way more traumatic than in his nightmares. Quitting now would be practically begging for trouble, what with his hormones and adapting to the life of a parent.

Nevertheless, it kinda felt like giving up, admitting his brain chemistry was so fucked up that he needed medication to get it sorted right. Rufus had explained that it wasn’t much different than needing insulin or thyroid meds, but it still was a hard thing to accept.

Proper brain function wasn’t measurable, after all.

“Deep in thought, are you?”

Cas’s voice was warm, sleep-muddled, and slightly slurred, but his eyes were clear as he lay on his side, watching Dean. Rosa was bundled up in between them, sleeping contentedly, her pink tongue peeking from between her lips.

“I guess,” Dean shrugged and dropped his eyes to their daughter. He reached out his hand, just to put it on her side, to feel her steady breathing.

After a moment, Cas put his hand over Dean’s and gently stroked a thumb over his knuckles. It was so Cas: informing Dean that he was there with a gentle touch, not demanding an explanation or reciprocation.

A couple of moments after, Dean sighed. “I can’t believe we’re here,” he wondered aloud. “I mean, after everything…”

Cas hummed a noncommittal sound and continued the slow rubbing with his thumb.

“What if I fuck up?” Dean then asked, daring a quick glance at his alpha.

Cas shrugged. “Then you fuck up. I’ll be here. And when I fuck up, you’ll be here.” He quirked a small smile. “And if we both fuck up at the same time, we can rely on Sam.”

“Ha, right,” Dean snorted. “He’s pretty awesome with Rosa, isn’t he?” He mused, thinking back on Sam’s somber concentration around his small niece.

“He is. I’m not sure if he’s aware of it himself. But I think Kevin is,” Cas said with a twinkle in his eye.

“Aw, fuck, no,” Dean groaned. He knew Sam and Kevin would be pretty awesome parents, but that didn’t mean he wanted to actively think about it.

They lay silent for a while, enjoying the silence and the cocoon of their mingled scents.

“How are you feeling?” Cas asked when Dean thought he had already fallen asleep again.

“Um. Cloudy? I think it’s the hormones and sleep deprivation.”

“…Anything else?”

Dean didn’t pretend he didn’t know what Cas was asking.

“I’m okay,” he said slowly. “Not fine, but not as bad as I was.” He paused and chewed his lip. “I think I still need to keep on with my therapy and meds. I mean, there’s so much going on that it would be stupid to stop and jinx it.”

He dared another glance at Cas. The alpha was wearing a soft smile and their bond surged with love.

“I’m so proud of you, Dean,” Cas said softly.

He was about to continue when Rosa started to squirm, her face scrunching up into what would turn into a wail if they didn’t react quickly enough. Dean made a half-hearted attempt to get up, but Cas beat him to it.

“Stay, I’ll change her.”

“Suit yourself,” Dean huffed, but lay back down. He watched Cas pick their daughter up gently and carefully, crooning soft nonsense to placate her, and carry her to the changing table.

Afterward, when Cas had brought Rosa back to Dean and the pup was feeding, the alpha gathered the blankets around them and curled to spoon him. Dean rested his head over his mate’s heart, listened to the steady beating, and wondered how he had gotten so lucky.

 

* * *

 

Christmas jumped on them as a surprise. Dean had been vaguely aware of the season, but with him recovering from his ordeal and Rosa taking a fuckton of mental and physical space for someone so damn tiny, he didn’t have much time to think about gifts or, well, _anything_ , really.

Not surprisingly, everybody crammed into their little house again. Cas prepared the majority of the food, but Benny’s Andrea took charge of the desserts and proved herself a very efficient sous-chef. Together with Kevin’s mother, who had somehow embedded herself into their lives like a grandmother Dean didn’t know he wanted, Cas and Andrea had managed to whip up an impressive amount of food. Again.

Sometimes Dean was sure Cas thought he needed to feed the whole town.

It was really nice to have their whole extended family in one place. Because Dean was still recovering, and abdominal muscles took a damn long time to heal, he was appointed to couch duty. Dean didn’t complain. There were worse fates than lying on his back with Rosa sprawled on his chest and bossing his family and friends around.

Later in the evening, after they had eaten their fill and handed over presents they pretended they hadn’t purchased (Rosa’s pile being higher than the pup herself), Dean found himself tucked under Cas’s arm, half asleep, resting his head on his alpha’s chest. He watched Sam cradle Rosa in his arms, the pup a tiny bundle in his giant of a brother’s lap. Sam was partially hunched over her, his hair framing his face, as he babbled nonsense to the pup. Kevin was sitting in the other armchair, staring at them. Or, staring at Sam, specifically.

Dean poked Cas in the ribs and nodded his head at the young omega. Cas raised his brow, and, glancing at Dean, they shared a grin. The kid had it bad, but fortunately, Sam was just as smitten.

Fleetingly, Dean wondered when the two would bond. Sam had courted Kevin for two years now, and they fit together well. Of course, they were still very young: Sam was 18 and Kevin had recently turned 17. They hadn’t even finished high school or decided where they wanted to go to college, although Dean was pretty sure Kevin had it all figured out.

He was drawn from his musings when Cas nudged him a little. When Dean frowned, confused, Cas rolled his eyes, got up, and held out his hand. Still a bit befuddled, Dean took his hand and let Cas pull him up, into his arms. Dean’s eyes flickered to Sam and Kevin, but the young pair was too absorbed with Rosa to pay them any heed.

Cas kissed him deeply, and then whispered, “Let’s go upstairs.”

On their way up the stairs, Dean stopped. “You know you can’t knot me yet? At least not without a condom.”

Cas gave him a small smile. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to knot you. But I _do_ want to bed you.”

Dean blinked, but let Cas lead him into the bedroom, where his alpha proceeded to undress him, unwrapping him like a present and guided him into the bed. Once there, Cas kissed him from head to toe, worshiping every inch of him. Dean wasn’t that keen on Cas nuzzling and kissing his stretched-out and scarred stomach, but his sappy alpha peppered it with kisses and whispered how amazing and wonderful he was, giving birth to a new life. Dean rolled his eyes at the compliments, but even though he didn’t believe them, they made him feel warm.

Gradually, he grew hard under Cas’s touch and his ass started a dull throb. It wasn’t exactly painful, but it sure as hell wasn’t pleasant, either. He forgot about it all, though, when Cas swallowed him down and set on getting him off with experience gained with years of meticulous practice. It didn’t take long for Dean to come, and Cas swallowed everything down, licking him clean afterward.

“Gimme a minute,” Dean slurred when his breathing had evened out a little.

“No,” Cas said, his voice hoarse. “Turn on your side.”

He helped Dean on his side, lathed the underside of Dean’s buttocks with lube, and then pushed slowly in between Dean’s thighs. He reached his arm around Dean, twined their fingers together, and thrust in slow, languid movements, seemingly more intent on the intimacy than getting off. Dean enjoyed the closeness and Cas’s groan as he buried himself between Dean’s thighs and came, trembling and clutching Dean close.

They rested together, happy and content despite the pool of come on Dean’s thighs. It was a pretty good Christmas present.

 

* * *

 

A couple of weeks after Christmas when Cas had returned to work, Dean decided to go through the drawers in Rosa’s dresser. Rosa was sleeping, and Dean was feeling somewhat restless, needing something to do. He didn’t have to think about money because the OIAA had provided him with a parental benefit, but if he didn’t have something to do soon, he would snap.

The dresser was a piece of work, really. Dean couldn’t believe Sam had actually paid attention when he had squealed about the silly mods he had found on Ikea Hackers, let alone trim it to resemble the funny kid’s dresser Dean had seen on the page. The white paint was nice and offered a good primer if he later wanted to decorate the dresser more, and the animals used as knobs were funny enough to make the furniture suitable for a kid. Besides, zebras and dinosaurs as knobs were just cool.

His grin died as he opened the first small drawer, freezing at the sight of Cas’s post-it notes. Breathing in deeply, he pulled the drawer out and took it to the bed. Slowly, carefully, he turned the drawer upside down and blinked at the downpour of colorful notes, filled with Cas’s handwriting. He had forgotten how many there were, as he had just stuffed them in the drawer whenever he had found them. Setting the drawer gently on the bed, he started going through the notes.

_Your smile makes my day._

_Did you know your left little finger has a tiny scar on the outside? It’s cute._

_I couldn’t sleep last night, so I counted your freckles. I got as far as 48 on your left shoulder, then I fell asleep. Sorry._

_You have a beautiful dimple on your right knee._

_If I kiss you on the nose, you scrunch it like you wanted to sneeze. It makes me want to kiss you again._

Dozens and dozens of notes, describing Dean from head to toe, every little detail Cas had paid attention to, every quirk, every mannerism. In addition to them, dozens of notes telling him that Cas loved him. They were the notes he had pressed into Dean’s hand or left on the bed when he got up for work, making sure they would be the first thing Dean saw when he woke up.

Dean looked at the heaps of purple, pink, blue, and yellow, smoothing one _I love you_ against his knee. He stared at the palpable, tangible proof of Cas’s love, the means he had chosen to drive it through to Dean’s depressed mind that he wasn’t alone that he was loved.

Taking a stuttering breath, Dean stared at the note in his hand and started to cry.

 

* * *

 

”Have you thought any way to process your thoughts about your experiences?”

Rufus cocked his head and raised his brows. The gnarled tough-as-nails omega therapist took no shit and pushed Dean to talk no matter how he tried to deflect. When they had first started their sessions, back when Dean was still pregnant, Rufus had handed Dean his ass more than once, and in the beginning, Dean had stormed out several times, only to slink back in a couple of minutes later. Rufus had never said anything about it, and, over time, Dean had grown to respect the hell out of him.

”Like how?” Dean asked, fiddling with the hem of Rosa’s shirt. He was sprawled on the couch with his daughter, as had become his habit when he had re-started his sessions with Rufus.

”Drawing, painting, sculpting, writing… Hell, composing them in a song, even. Something like that. It’s not for everyone, but I think you could benefit from it.”

Dean frowned. ”You mean, I should, like, start to pour my life story on a paper?”

”Did I say so?” Rufus asked dryly. ”I was talking about processing. The how is your own business, boy.”

”I thought I’m processing now.”

”Yeah and no. I’m helping you through your experience, to voice them, but you need to keep on processing. Remember when we talked about you coming here to vomit out your feelings?”

Dean nodded.

”Yeah, well, I’m your toilet,” Rufus said flatly. ”Now that you’ve gotten through puking, you need to deal with the whatever that caused your stomach flu.”

”So… I just start to write? That’s it?” Dean asked dubiously.

”How the hell should I know? I’m not you. Try and see how it feels.” Then he paused and shot Dean a sly glance. ”Is there a reason you picked writing?”

”Fuck you,” Dean bit out, but it was tinged with amusement.

Rufus grinned. ”Sorry, I don’t swing your way.”

Dean snorted and rolled his eyes. Rufus aptly guided the conversation to parenthood, and they used the rest of the time discussing the pros and cons of co-sleeping with the pup. Rufus didn’t bring up the topic of additional processing, but when the session ended, Dean realized he was thinking about it.

Damn sly therapists.

 

* * *

 

Narrowing his eyes, Dean scrutinized the journals and pursed his lips. He sort of knew what he was after, but there were so many where to choose from. He wanted something that was sturdy, but small enough to carry along when he was out with Rosa. He also wanted a pen, preferably a real fountain pen, but he was a bit shy to go test them out. Yeah, sure, he knew he could just use a standard pad and a ballpoint pen, but Dean didn’t want to.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he had this _need_ to use something special. His experience wasn’t mundane, so he shouldn’t use mundane tools.

”Are you searching for something special?” The clerk was a middle-aged beta, with a pleasant smile and professional air.

”Um. A journal and a pen,” Dean offered.

”Are they a gift for someone or for you?”

”For me.”

The clerk nodded. ”Why don’t you come over here first to look at the pens. Would you prefer a ballpoint or a fountain pen?”

Dean followed the man and let him try out different pens, the weight and feel of them. Eventually, he found one he liked, a beautiful hand-carved walnut fountain pen, thick enough for a comfortable grip, and heavy enough for writing smoothly. It was gorgeous.

Dean was just about to ask for the price, when Cas wandered in to stand beside him. The alpha had Rosa in a Manduca, and Dean was, once again, amused to see the heart-eyes his mate gathered from the females and omegas around them.

Honestly? What was so special about an alpha babywearing a pup?

”That’s beautiful,” Cas said with an appreciative smile. ”If that’s what you like most, we’ll take it, thank you.”

”But… I didn’t even look at the price tag,” Dean hissed.

Cas merely raised his brow, and Dean knew arguing was futile. Over the years, he had learned that if Cas wanted to spoil him, he would, no matter what Dean said.

And the pen _was_ beautiful, which was the reason Dean didn’t say anything else, as the clerk put it aside and took Dean to check out the notebooks and journals again. While Cas swayed gently back and forth to keep Rosa asleep, Dean picked several notebooks, each with different paper, just to try them out and decide later what he preferred. He gave Cas a bit sheepish smile as he brought the pile of notebooks back to the checkout, but Cas only smiled serenely and refused to show the total to Dean.

”Are you planning on writing more?” Cas asked as they left the store.

Dean shrugged, not yet ready to talk about it. ”Dunno yet. It’s a therapy thing.”

Cas nodded and pecked a kiss on the side of Dean’s mouth. ”Okay,” he said easily. ”Would you like to get something to eat? There’s a new Nepalese restaurant on the other side of the mall.”

Dean ducked his head and reached out for Cas’s hand. ”Yeah,” he said. ”I’d like that.”

Hand in hand with his mate, his other hand clutching the bag holding the fountain pen and notebooks, Dean felt like he was going to be alright.

 

* * *

 

The first time Dean started writing, it was stilted. He thought too much and analyzed his words until he felt like he was going to burst from sheer frustration. He didn’t stop, though, because he was going to do this, dammit!

His first notebook filled with babbling, half-finished sentences and doodles, more like a collection of notes than coherent writing. But when Dean later leafed through it, he did notice how the text changed the further he went.

There was something, he just didn’t know it yet.

After he had filled his second notebook, he gathered his courage and made an appointment with one of the creative writing professors at the English Department to ask if there was something he could work with. He didn’t tell Cas or Sam, the half-formed idea still too fragile in his mind to share. He had been half-assing his studies for so long that he was afraid to admit out loud that he might finally have a Major.

When he got a green light to proceed, he was so relieved he had to sit down to avoid walking against a wall.

Slowly, his texts started to take form, emerging from the chaos of jumbled words and confused thoughts into something meaningful, something bigger that had been sitting inside him, waiting for him to be ready. Dean felt it as an odd sort of itch under his skin, a need for a release of sorts. It built and built, making him feel restless.

Then, one day, in a sudden bout of frustrated energy, he packed Rosa in her stroller and went to purchase a heap of canvases and a stack of sharpies with different kinds of tips. He had no idea what he was actually doing, but he knew he _had_ to do it.

When he came home, Cas had already arrived. The alpha watched Dean storm around with silent bemusement for a while, then he took Rosa and left Dean alone, surrounded by his notebooks, the canvases, sharpies, and the drawer containing Cas’s post-it notes.

Dean didn’t think about anything, just wrote and wrote and wrote. He ignored rhyming, coherence, and plot, just poured himself on the paper in angry, honest, painful lines, filling canvas after canvas with pain, fear, and emptiness. He turned himself inside out, leaving nothing out, and when he was done, he felt empty and wrung out, like he had run a marathon.

For a moment, Dean just stared.

Then he turned slowly and started picking Cas’s notes from the heap. One by one, he stapled and glued them on the canvases, pausing occasionally to consider the proper place, until he had used every single of them. Then he stepped back and sighed.

There it was: his life. His darkness, surrounded by Cas’s light; his fears contained by Cas’s faith; his despair countered by Cas’s love. Just as it had always meant to be.

Gingerly, like an old man, Dean leaned against the wall and slowly slid down. He rested head back, closed his eyes, and let out a breath.

He was done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was basically it. There's still a timestamp/epilogue for your entertainment, but the main story is all done.
> 
> As a personal note:  
> All in all, this has been the hardest thing I've ever written. There's a lot of me in this version of Dean, and getting this tale out of my system has been nearly cathartic. After [The Face Behind A Mirror](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2516264) and [Grey Castle](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2509478), this fic is the third dealing with fertility issues and everything that's so tightly intertwined around it.
> 
> I think that now I'm done too.


	15. Epilogue — Five years later

_”The way Mr. Winchester handles text is touching and refreshing. In his works, he dives into his personal trauma without a flinch, baring everything and sparing nothing. He is unashamed of his own fragility, refuses to see it as a flaw, and turns it into a strength instead. His works are more than poetry, more than art: they are, simply, life._

_”When I asked him why he chose this form to deal with his inner demons, he said, ’They are a part of me, all these thoughts and nightmares. Bringing them out into the light for everyone to see is a way to make them visible. When I expose them, they lose their power over me. They are still there, but they don’t rule me or define me. I control them.’_

_”In his series ’Fractures On Smooth Surface,’Mr. Winchester has given face and form to depression. It’s not an all-embracing face, but one among many. Doing so, he has opened a door to discussion —”_

Sighing, Dean lowered the newspaper on the table and leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes for a moment. The late spring sun was warm on his cheeks, and he raised his head to enjoy it better.

A couple of weeks ago, when the request for an interview had arrived, he had thought it was a joke. It had taken both Cas and Sam’s joint effort to get him to actually call the lady and set an appointment. The interview itself had been scary as fuck, and in all honesty, he didn’t recognize himself from either the words or the pictures.

The journalist had been a starry-eyed middle-aged woman, who had praised his works and declared him a savior of the young poets’ generation. Dean had stared at her and thought she was obviously mental, but he had decided to roll with the crazy, and had thanked her. It never hurt to be polite.

Dean turned to look at the pale blue house right beside his home. It was brand new and beautiful, and his heart swelled. After four years of courting, Sam and Kevin had finally bonded. That had been three years ago, but they had waited until graduation before building a house and trying for a pup of their own.

When Sam had confessed they had used Kevin’s OIAA benefit to purchasing the old Winchester lot to build their home there, Dean had smiled so widely he had thought his face might split. To have his brother right next to him with a family of his own, to have their pups over for playdates with Rosa, to be able to holler to each other across the fence… yeah. It was something he had never dared to dream of. And now, their house was finished, conveniently to give Kevin the chance to let his nesting instincts loose for the final months of his pregnancy.

Dean was pretty sure they had stalled because of him, worried how he might react if they had managed to get a bun in the oven from the first heat. But at this point, Dean had processed his journey into parenthood so thoroughly that it would’ve taken a lot more than Kevin getting pregnant right away to shake his equilibrium. But he appreciated the gesture anyway.

Looking back at the printed article, he shook his head. It was full of fancy words, but it promoted his event, which was what mattered, really.

Yeah, the event. It had been Sam’s idea, really.

A year after writing his poems, Dean had finally managed to muster enough courage to let Cas and Sam to read some of them, although he had kept his original canvases hidden, afraid they would reveal too much. It had all ended up in a teary-eyed Sam and a distraught, extremely attentive Cas, who didn’t want to let him out of his sight. First, it had freaked Dean out royally, but it had also helped Dean realize he had never been alone: even though they didn’t know everything, Sam and Cas had his back, no matter what.

Weeks later, when the emotional turmoil had toned down a little, Sam had told Dean he should go public.

Dean had stared at him for a long, long time, before blinking and asking, ”Public, as in _how?”_

”As in using the early pieces of your poetry,” Sam had said, meaning the canvases. He hadn’t seen them, not really. Neither of them mentioned how Sam had caught a glimpse of one when Dean had been rummaging around a certain trunk, immediately recognizing its meaning.

Dean had instantly shaken his head. ”Sam, no. I can’t. Those are too personal.”

”I don’t mean you should do it now,” Sam had placated. ”But later, perhaps in a year or two. You are not alone in this. There are thousands of others suffering from _both_ depression _and_ infertility, and coming out would help them as well as you. Just think about it, okay? ”

Dean had thought about it and pushed the thought as far in his mind as he could. Of course, he should’ve known his brain by then. Sneaky sonovabitch.

In all honesty, it hadn’t taken a year or two, but four before he had been able to even consider showing his early works to anyone else than Sam or Cas. He had started small, with Kevin, Benny, and Andrea, and their emotional reactions had given him the courage to approach his professor. During that particular meeting, he had been a nervous wreck and had almost given into his urge to flee.

Luckily, he hadn’t.

Professor Visyak had been silent for a long time, so long that Dean had, in fact, started to fidget, sure that he was about to be laughed off the premises. But then the Professor had turned to him, eyes bright and shining, and told him he was the most talented student she had had in years.

That hadn’t been what Dean had had in mind when he had walked in with his stack of canvases.

Afterward, Dean wasn’t exactly sure what had happened. Suddenly, he had found himself in the middle of a hurricane that was Prof. Visyak sorting his things straight. She had muttered that she would be damned it she let his talent go to waste. Dean had drifted after her, mutely taking his exams and writing his papers, wondering what the fuck his life had turned into.

It was Prof. Visyak, who had finally talked Dean over to go public. It hadn’t been her professional opinion or her trying to convince Dean to graduate, but her opening up and telling Dean about her miscarriages and primary infertility. It had been her unshed tears that had made Dean understand how much his work reached out to people who had gone through the same thing.

It wasn’t about Dean. It was about peer support, about realizing that you’re not alone.

 

* * *

 

Dean looked around the room with an appraising gaze and took in the visual. The white-clothed tables were arranged in casual formation, leaving plenty of room to walk around the room and concentrate on his canvases on the walls. There were simple flower arrangements and candles on the tables, and on one side of the room, there was a bigger table with small notebooks and pens. Dean had had the idea as soon as the event had taken shape. Somehow, he figured he wasn’t the only one who had a story to tell.

If someone had told him, years ago that, one day, Dean would host an event discussing chronic depression, he would’ve laughed out loud before running to the hills. But here he was, in slacks and a button-up, ordering some OIAA-sponsored staff around like he was some boss-man.

Huh.

To his left, Kevin and Sam were setting the final info leaflets onto another side table. Kevin was heavily pregnant, and his small frame only emphasized the size of his belly. Nowadays, Sam was constantly hovering, and by the looks of it, Kevin was handling it better that Dean ever had. But then again, as far as Dean was aware, Kevin wasn’t suffering from chronic depression like Dean had been. It made quite a difference, to be honest.

It was odd, how easily the admission now fell from his lips. After years of medication and therapy, Dean had finally come to terms with his condition. Had he the choice, he would’ve rather had been healthy, but he wasn’t. Tough luck. But unlike before, he now had the means to cope. He might never be off his meds and he might need therapy on and off for the rest of his life, but it was a part of him. He had finally admitted himself that, despite his condition, he wasn’t a second-class citizen, but as valuable as everyone else. It had been a hard lesson to learn, but, fortunately, his teachers had been as stubborn as Dean himself.

With a soft smile, he glanced to the back of the room. Rosa was exploring the small stage and Cas was waiting beside it, listening intently to the constant babbling of their daughter. Even after all these years, Dean couldn’t believe how damn fortunate he was: he was mated to the best alpha there was, and, together, they had created the most gorgeous and perfect little pup imaginable.

Rosa performed a small dance on the stage, spinning around with her hands held wide open, before letting out a bubbling laugh and jumping onto Cas’s waiting arms. As Dean looked on, they spun around, Cas’s playful growl mingling with Rosa’s giggling. As they passed the spinning couple, a couple of staff members gave them small smiles and fond head shakes.

Yeah. Dean was a fucking lucky man.

Glancing at the clock, Dean noticed it was 6:20. The event started at 7, but they had decided to open the doors half an hour earlier, to give people time to mingle and explore Dean’s works. When figuring out the program, they had decided on a lecture and a panel discussion, leaving the rest of the evening open for more informal convo. Dean was supposed to be on the panel, and even though Rufus was going to be there (as a professional, not as Dean’s therapist), he was already nervous as hell.

Out of curiosity, Dean peeked at the doors and blanched a little, seeing the number of people milling outside. Were they all there for him? Like, really? He understood why his family and friends were there, and he even got it why the Miltons or even Balthazar had promised to show up, but he swallowed, thinking about the dozens of people waiting to see his works.

Dean was bodily wrenched from his thoughts when Rosa barged into him with the full force of an over-energetic, sweaty five-year-old.

”Daddyyyyyy! Papa said you should come to the door and let people in!”

”Did he now?” Dean mused, glancing at Cas.

As Rosa bounced off to her Uncle Sam, Dean took in his alpha. Cas looked fucking hot in his suit: at fifty, he had little streaks of silver on his temples and the crow’s feet on the corners of his eyes were deepened with age, but his stare was just as intent as it had been ten years ago. He was standing a little to Dean’s side, waiting.

As Dean started towards him, his face lit into a smile.

”It’s almost 6:30. Shall we?”

Dean took a final, assessing glance around the room. His original works were hung on the walls in straight lines, the tables were set, and his nerves through the roof. Sensing his near panic, Cas stepped into his space and took him into his arms.

”Relax. It’s gonna go just fine,” Cas murmured into his ear and gave him a soft kiss.

Dean breathed in deeply, held it for five seconds, and exhaled.

”Yeah. Let’s do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was it! Thank you for reading, you're all amazing. :)
> 
> I'm not going to add to this 'verse.


End file.
